A Baby Changes Everything

Out of all of the things in my life I'm so insanely blessed with and grateful for, my baby is my greatest blessing.. and greatest accomplishment. 

I know that everyone says they have the most incredible kid(s) in the world... maybe it's because we're already pre-designed as parents to think that our children are perfection, but I'm truly so blessed to have the son I do. 

He means more to me than I could ever put into words, or express.

It's funny I never really wrote about my labor and delivery because it was such an overwhelmingly emotional experience. Bringing him into this world. 

I didn't really go about it the "traditional" way. In fact.. being honest.. there was a lot of people who were mad. A lot of people who looked down on me for my "mistake." Who judged me. 

But what most of "them" didn't know... was that this "mistake" I made would end up saving my life. That my "mistake" would end up being my whole entire world. 

It's never been easy. From day 1. In fact it's been incredibly hard, and at times incredibly lonely. 

I never went to any birthing classes.. I didn't read any books. I didn't spend my nights looking up symptoms on Web MD... or any of it really. 

I didn't want to sit in a class by myself. Watching all these husbands and wives go through it together. Since day 1 it's just been me and my little guy.. so I figured we'd just figure it out together. Whatever that meant. 

Actually.... the only thing I ever read... or held on to for whatever reason was that when you deliver, you want to hear your baby cry. That it meant he was getting air and breathing on his own. 

I remember that's all I could think about. The second I had him.. with all the chaos, it's like everything around us fell quiet and I just thought "Cry. Please just cry.... please."

It's funny... after months and months and months of wishing tears would just go away... I was praying with everything inside of me.... with everything I had, to hear that little boy just cry. 

They handed him to me and... I don't know. I guess if you've never been through it there's not a great way to explain that emotion. It's like...... I had spent months knowing that this was going to change my entire life... but holding him changed me. 

I cut his umbilical cord.. they took him to clean him up and I just remember I just wanted him back. I just wanted to hold him. 

It's strange. I've never been more at peace... ever than I was in that moment. He was here. We did it. We did it together. Me and him. 

That's how it's always been. Me and him. 

He's only 4 but he's my hero. 

There's been so many times that I thought it was all falling apart, and without even knowing it, he's kept it all together. 

He could put a smile on even the worst of broken hearts. And he has a heart that I only wish I could have. 

I don't know how I ended up with him... but I know I'll spend every day thanking God that he's mine. 

Chocolate Covered Lies

I used to think that the hardest thing ever was someone ... "him" not loving me the way I wanted. It turns out... it's someone loving me exactly the way I always wanted "him" to.

There was some point today that I realized letting go of the past meant I had to take a step forward... or a step at all. I haven't done that in awhile. I've been so stagnant. Actually... I didn't even mean to take a step forward. I absolutely without a doubt launched myself into it... I just did it.. and I can honestly say I don't think I've ever been so terrified in my whole entire life. It just happened. AND if I told you what it was that was such a HUGE step.. you'd be embarrassed and confused for me. SO just know I did something I haven't done... in a very, very long time. I can't even remember how long.. and I meant it. I whole heartedly meant it. That's what's absolutely crazy.

I like my comfortable little bubble. I like the things inside of it. I like them the same. I don't like them to change. I feel safe that way. I feel safe knowing that the things and people around me are there and will stay there. I guess that's why I never saw much sense in having a million friends... or winning some popularity contest. At the end of the day it's the people you can cry with that stay. The people you can tell your secrets to. The ones that see you on the bad days... ya know??

In fact. I've never met a person who thought I was perfect, who stayed around long enough to find out that I wasn't.... or who bothered to stay around very long after they figured it out.

I'm so abrasive. Is that the right word? I don't know. I don't like sugar coating things because what is a chocolate covered lie??? It hurts worse when you realize you were fooled into it all looking pretty.

Anyway does that sound like useless mumbo jumbo?? I promise it's not. In fact I have several people in my life very close to me who are going through (for lack of a better generic word) breakups. And without grave details... not very pleasant ones.

I found myself today texting.. talking.. calling.. all of them. Like word vomit. Like I'm some great expert on "relationship advice." Like the unemotionally available girl can talk someone through a heartbreak. I found myself saying all the things that I HATED when people used to say to me...

The "It will be okays"... the "You're better off without her"... the "I know this sucks now, I've been there too.."

Does that really help anyone?? I don't know. Hopefully it's not the lack of words that I had but that I honestly, truly, sincerely care about these people. I've honestly been there. I've cried. Screamed. Yelled. All of it. Don't you just wish you could shake it out of them...? Lord don't I just wish someone could have just shaken it out of me SO much sooner. I guess everyone comes to it in their own time. I just hate knowing the pain they're in and not being able to do a damn thing about it except tell them that it won't hurt forever.

Here's the thing though, It won't. As dumb and cliche and ... hypocritical as that sounds. It doesn't last forever. I know... because one day there will be someone... who changes your whole life. Who takes every bad day away, and makes you smile again. Who... scares the hell out of you because for the first time... you remember what it's like to be scared you were going to lose something you don't ever want to let go of.

Soon the wounds will be scars. You won't forget them.. they'll only help you grow, and rather than building walls to keep them out.. you'll pray to God they knock them down.

Begin Again

I've always been a sporadic journal writer.... I think I've probably started 19 different journals.. and they always come from some big event, or big loss in my life where I wrote thinking that it would help me either remember... or forget.

I love going back and reading them though. It's so interesting to go back on the same day and see where I am verses where I was. Today was particularly interesting and therapeutic.

2 years ago today I should have been freaking out... trying to make sure every last detail was perfect. I should have been with all my best girlfriends.. getting my nails done... being loud and ridiculous and spending my last night of "freedom" not sleeping.

I thought I'd lay in bed all night, tossing and turning. Telling myself to go to bed... but really in the back of my mind praying to God I didn't pass out walking down the isle... or cry too much... or forget my vows... or trip and fall on my face.

I thought I'd be happy.

Instead, 2 years ago today I was writing about how I didn't understand how it all fell apart. I was crying... there's all these water marks still on the page from the tears falling. I wrote about missing him and being so, so mad at him.

     "I don't want it to be this way, how long is it going to feel so damn lonely?!"

I remember putting on this tough face. Like a duck. ........ Calm on top but paddling like hell underneath. Just praying that I would make it through that weekend and be able to let it all go.

It was really emotional reading it again, but in the same respect It's crazy to remind myself how far I've come.

I'd honestly never take back the things that happened. I needed to grow up. I needed to find myself before trying to be with someone, especially someone who didn't really know himself either.

I look at my life, my baby.. my friends.. all of it and I feel so insanely blessed.

There was a time that I thought it would never end. That it was going to be some big dark hole forever. That it would always hurt. That I'd always be angry.

I don't feel like that anymore.

It took me a long time.... well, a REALLY long time to filter through all the motions. And it was a hard and long path to realize that maybe what I thought I needed wasn't really at all where I was supposed to be.

There's no guarantees in life ... and I feel like life was patiently waiting for me this whole time. Like everything that happened up to this point was grooming me for the path I was really supposed to be on, with the person I was really supposed to be on it with.

I feel surrounded by the most incredible people. I feel so much happiness... and I've never been more excited to start a real future, for the first time.

There's a million things I'm thankful for. Today, most of all I'm thankful for peace of mind and an open heart.

"Bone Suckin' Good"

Most reasonable people aren't blogging at 4:00 am...

Could be that I have a headache the size of Texas... or that nothing I own goes with shiner?? That's right... I look like I was hit in the face by a drunk guy.

Oh wait. That's right.

 I was.

In his defense... it wasn't exactly his fault... he was Aiming 3 feet to the left and my face got in the way.

Of his fist.

I decided tonight I can sleep when I'm dead. I can't tell if I'm coming or going lately. Have you ever felt like you're traveling a million miles a minute when all you want to do is stand still.... but when you stand still, you just want to start running???

Side note... My duke sleeps NEXT to his bed. Not on it. I want the life of a dog. When sleeping on the floor instead of your $60.00 dog pillow is your life... and your biggest worry. It's the damnedest thing.

He thinks I look strange with ice on my face.

He also thinks it's strange that we're blogging at 4:00 am... but he's excited about it right now.

On a happy note... I am full force in planning my birthday day party. Does that seem ridiculous that it's still 2 months away and I'm already planning it?? Either way it's going to be amazing. I get to spend this birthday celebrating with one of the most amazing girls ever.

AND I already have a dress!!! Is that even real right now!?!?!?

Last year I literally was so consumed in decorating, planning, baking.... that I ran home, grabbed the first thing I saw.... and arrived late to my own party like..

"Hey girl!!"....

Lord. This year it will be different. Thank goodness I'm in the very trustworthy hands of Naomi who is going to help me pull this year off without a hitch... and hopefully without snow. I'd like to point out that there was no snow last year... except for the night of my cocktail party.... We could maybe work on that God.

Gold's gym is open 24 hours.. and I'm using my face as an excuse for why I'm not going right now... uhg. That seems unreasonable.

Bone suckin' good.

Thankful for.. (Part two) the friends...

I decided I should probably split this blog up a little bit because it was already getting long winded.. and I know that makes for hard reading. Truly, I just want you all to know how insanely important you are to me..

If there's anything in my life that has pulled me through the tough times (and there's been a lot of those).. it has been my friends. I don't have a million friends. I don't know everyone, I was never one of the popular girls.. and I most certainly am not now hahaha. There's few people in my life that I would consider my true friends... but the friends that I do have are simply incredible... and I want you all to know how much you mean to me.
**(In no particular order)**

Wendi: I have known you for so, so long. You've been my best friend forever. I honestly rarely think of you as a friend and more like a sister. I know that I don't see you enough, talk to you enough... but you and your beautiful little family are always without a doubt on my mind. I am so proud of you. I am so proud of your family. I'm so proud of you and Stuart. I've seen your life play out (as crazy as that is).. We've seen each other through it all. The crazy times.. the bad boyfriends.. all of it. And I am so happy for the life that you have and the woman that you are. Thank you for always being there for me. I love you so much. I am so grateful for your friendship... and I hope you know that no matter what.. no matter how long we go without talking or seeing each other, or how distracted we get by our lives.. you still mean the world to me. I love you!!

Shauntel: I hate that you're gone. I didn't spend enough time with you while you were here and I hate that. You mean the world to me. You're one of the few girls in my life that I hope never ever leave my life. I'm so blessed to know you. To have your friendship. I'm so grateful for all the amazing times we had and I can't wait to have a million more. You're such a strong woman.. I've always looked up to you for that.. and I love you so much.

Danielle: Thank you for being one of the sweetest girls I know. I know I don't see you enough or talk to you enough but I love you and your little family. You all mean so much to me. You have been there through some of the hardest times in my life.. and you, all of you girls stuck with me. I want you to know that you've been one of my best friends and I hope I never lose you. I'm always here. Whether you know it or not, I'm always here.

Kelsey: Who knew that I would find such an amazing friend like you out of the circumstances that I did. You have one of the best hearts of anyone I know. I miss you. I hate that you're so far away. I miss lunches.. and girls nights. I miss laughing with you at the most ridiculous stuff. I hope you know how much I love you and care about you. I know that I don't tell you enough. I'm sorry that I don't... but I want you to know that I'm always thinking about you and Brad and sending you my love all the time. Thank you for everything you've been in my life. For seeing me through all of it. For letting me share some of your best moments with me. You're a truly stunning girl with a stunning heart and I love you.

Jess Lee: You make me laugh. I know I haven't known you for along time but I feel like I've known you forever!! You're one of the most amazing girls I've ever met. You're so fun and goofy and I love that about you. I love that we laugh about things only we can laugh about.. and I don't ever want to lose that. I'm so blessed that you came into my life and for the friendship that we have. I think you're such an amazing girl. You're such an amazing friend.

Tammie: You have one of the best hearts of anyone I've ever met. You're one of the most genuine people I have ever met. You're beautiful and I don't deserve friends like you. You mean so much to me. I hope that you know that. I hope you know how much I love and care about you. Thank you for being in my life. Thank you for everything.

Robby: I almost don't have the right words to tell you what your friendship has meant. You were there through one of the hardest parts in my life.. and you never once told me that it wasn't ok to hurt. I don't know if that makes sense... or if it matters but there has been so many times when you've listened to me cry, and complain... when I think that's all I really needed. Was someone to listen while I tried to figure it all out. Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for everything that you've done.. that honestly I could never say thank you enough for.

Steve: I think you're amazing. I'm so grateful that I had the opportunity to meet you, and that you're a part of my life. I think you're one of the sweetest and most genuine people I've ever met. I think you're the most incredible father.. and I'm so thankful to have you as a part of my life.

Curtis: You truly mean the world to me. You've been such an amazing genuine friend. You make me laugh.. and I feel like I've known you for a million years. I cherish our friendship so much... and ps I'll never look at a chicken the same way again ;). I love talking to you...your amazing advice. Thank you for all the love and support you've shown me. I hope I've been as good of a friend, You mean the world to me.

Naomi: I just simply love you. I love your bright personality. I love talking to you. I think I spend more time with you than anyone else.. I can't wait for our business and this next adventure in our lives. You are truly one of the strongest women that I know. You have overcome so much.. and you've done it with such grace. You're such an amazing and true friend. You're such a beautiful person inside and out.  I couldn't think of anyone else who I'd rather spend... well every day with lol.

Pernell: Thank you for showing me more about my city in 3 months than I've ever known about in my life lol. I'm so grateful that I had the opportunity to meet you, Averell, and Jackie while you were here. I think you all are incredible. I miss you guys so much. I miss losing at poker.. and bad karaoke... and you boys taking me out to see male strippers..........

................

ABDC... and the dolphins in the Great Salt Lake.

Tawni, Talena, Tiffany, CC, Amanda: I know that I haven't known you girls for a very long time.. but to be honest I feel like it's been forever. I have never met a more beautiful group of girls. Thank you so much for your friendship. You all, already truly mean so much to me. I think you are the most incredible mommies ever. You are such strong, stunning women, and I am so grateful to know all of you. Thank you for being so sweet to me and my baby. To be honest... I've always felt a little out of place. I've never really met anyone else who knows what it's like to be a single momma... or to deal with the struggles and heartache of doing it all by yourself. I've never felt like I knew anyone who understood... and to see all of you amazing women who have not only done it.. but do it with such grace is truly an inspiration in my life. I feel so lucky to know all of you.. and I hope you all already know how much you mean to me. Truly.

Jessica, Becki, Jessie: It's been far too long since I've seen you girls. I miss all of you. I think you are all incredible women, and I honestly am so blessed to have you as a part of my life. I know that I don't get to see you very often but I love you girls. I miss spending time with all of you.. but I want you to know that I care about all of you girls. I think you're simply amazing, beautiful woman that I'm lucky to call my friends.

Chase: I don't even know how to begin to thank you for everything you've done. For your friendship and love. There's been so many times I've run to you because I didn't know where else to run. I met you and I felt like I found my best friend. You've been my strength on so many occasions. And you were the one who's taught me never to give up... to keep believing, and to have faith in it all. You've made me laugh, helped me through so much pain. I could never ever thank you enough. Thank you for every smile you've given me.. every time you've made me laugh.. and more than all of that being the most incredible man and father I've ever met. I know I don't always do everything right... but thank you for showing me that being myself is more important than anything else. You mean the world to me.

Anyone else that I may have missed... please know that it isn't that I don't love or care about each and every single one of you. You honestly all mean the world to me. I know that I'm not always the best friend. I know I mess up. I don't call you all or see you enough, but you're always in my heart and in my thoughts. You all mean more to me than I could ever express. I want each and every one of you to know the impact that you've had on my life. I'm so sorry if I haven't told you that I love you.. or if you feel like I haven't been there. I'm always here. I think about you all so often.. and I am so grateful to have you all as apart of my life. I have the most incredible friends in the whole world. I couldn't be more thankful for that.

Thankful for.. Part one (The family.. )

I know that It's November.. and many of you are taking the initiative to write what you're thankful for each day... but I thought that it was easier for me to write a blog..

I normally don't make personal mentions in my blogs, I figure that if it's about you.. or offends you.. you're well aware that the content of the blog was about you anyway.. so I don't really need to blast anyone. However.. I do feel it necessary to make everyone aware of the things in my life that I am so insanely appreciative for.

First and foremost God. I'm not religious.. and I've always believed that it's better to be a good person than a hypocritical Chrisitian.. but there are things in my life that without going into detail, can only be attributed to God. Having faith in that, on whatever level has given my life (especially recently) the direction that it needs. And I am so insanely grateful for that.

Second... My baby. He without any doubt in my mind saved my life. He brought joy back into it. He gives me a new reason every day to laugh.. to love... to be happy. Almost exactly 1 year after being in a hospital where I was told my body was starting to kill itself and I needed my family with me because It was failing rapidly.. I gave birth to the most incredible little guy in the whole world... just down the hallway. I promise you.. there aren't words... and I will never have the words to describe the feeling of hearing him cry for the very first time.. knowing that I was holding the entire world in my arms, after almost losing it all.

He, at 4 years old is everything that I wish I could be. He has the most incredible heart. He loves everything.. and everyone. There's been so many times when it was all falling apart, that he held it together for me. Without even knowing it. He is the love of my life and my greatest accomplishment. And I am so insanely blessed that for whatever reason, God put him in my life and gave me the opportunity to be his momma. There is so greater blessing in this world than that.

Next, is my parents. I have the most incredible parents in the world. I'm lucky. They don't always agree with me.. they think I'm crazy and dramatic and too strong headed I'm sure.. but through it all they've loved me. I've given them heart ache... kept them up at night with my bad decisions.. worried them.. and still they're always here. No matter what.

My parents have been married this year for 40 years. 40!!! And the most incredible thing about them is how after even 40 years they are still completely and madly in love. They'd be lost without each other. That has been one of the greatest examples in my life.

 I was talking to my dad one day after having some break up or bad date or lord knows what... and I was asking him about my mom. (I know I've referenced this before so bare with me) I asked him how he knew it was her. How he knew he was supposed to be with her. And of course, my dad being my dad... gave me some long drawn out story about Hawaii and his days there, and the girls he was dating.. the girls back home.. and then he stopped and said "but your mom....." and he started to cry. Tears filled up his eyes, and ran down his face.. and he said "there was no comparison."

They have held this family together. They have taken on the stress and pain and financial burden and on and on... and I could not be anymore grateful for that.. which leads me to the next thing I'm grateful for.

My sisters. Staci, Lisa, Shannon and Sessie. I promise I could ramble on and on about them. They don't know how much I love them. I know that they don't. I try to tell them.. and show them. I fail miserably., and I'm sorry.. but please know that I love you with everything.

Staci: I'm so grateful for the roll that you and your family has played in my son's life. I would not be able to do this without you. Thank you for all the love you show my little guy. Thank you for helping me raise him. For teaching about all the things I know nothing about. People always say that it takes a Village to raise a child. This could not be anymore true than it is in my life. I simply couldn't do it without you. All the sleepovers, helping me run him around... all of it. I could go on and on. Thank you so much. I love you so much. I appreciate you, so much.

Lisa: You are without a doubt one of the most loving and accepting people I know. I have never once heard you make a judgmental comment.. or be anything but warm and welcoming to every single person. I know you didn't always have the easiest life.. and I often wonder how you can be so incredible with some of the trials you went through just to be yourself.. and you are. You're incredible. I know that I could always run to you. I'm sorry if I don't tell you enough how much I love you.. because you have no idea. You have no idea the way I look up to you. The way I wish I could be like you. Thank you for being such an amazing example of the kind heart I need.

Shannon: I am so grateful for the last few years with you. I feel like we're so a like. I'm so grateful that I've finally got to know you the way I should have always known you. I'm grateful for your friendship. I'm grateful for all the time I've had to spend with you. I feel like we're making up for lost years. I didn't know much about you because you left for the Marines when I was so young but the last few years have meant the world to me. Thank you for always being here for me. Thank you for letting me run to your house when I need to get away.. for everything.

Sessie: It's amazing to think that after spending years and years growing up fighting and trying to kill each other that you'd end up meaning everything to me. You're just my Sessie. You make me laugh.. and the most retarded and ridiculous things. You make me think I'm funny even though I'm not. I don't even know what to say except that I don't know what I'd do without you. I'd probably tell you I love you more but we just laugh like idiots when I talk to you... but if I don't say it enough, I love you more than anything and am so grateful for you.

To all of my amazing nieces: I love you, from the very bottom of my heart. I think you are the most incredible little girls. I am so, so incredibly proud to be your auntie. Please know that I am always here for you. Always. No matter. Your family loves you.... so much. I love you with everything!!

To the rest of my family... It's not that I don't have a million things that I need to say, or that I want to say.. just know how incredibly grateful I am for all of you. I could make this blog go on and on and on with reasons why you all mean so much to me. Please just know that I do. That I think about you all often, and love you all so much. If there's anything that I'm truly grateful for and inspired by, it's my family. I feel like the luckiest girl to have a family that means this much... I love you all!!!!!!!!!

Tallkin' to the wind

He was sitting in the back seat... the most perfect little guy in the whole world. Isn't it funny how when you're little...your world is so small. You've never had your heart broken... not really... you've never worried about when the next paycheck would come... when you'd be able to pay the next bill... or how to buy gas.

You've never sat up at night.. letting all of your disappointments play through your head, over and over again. You've never worried about whether to buy Ramen noodles or pay rent. You don't think twice about the car breaking down... and you've never sat on the side of the road with a flat tire... wondering how the hell you were going to get it fixed... praying to God someone strong enough to get those stupid lug nuts off would just stop long enough to help you... because the 3 good tires you still have can't take anymore kicking.

You've never lost love... because when you're 4 you haven't really found it yet. My son named is chicken "Kelsey" for Christ's sake. (That's right Kelsey Wallace, you have a chicken named after you.)

You've never had a stack of bills in a box you're scared to look at... or a box with bills that you haven't payed.

You don't start your morning with coffee and ibprophen... and then end it with tylenol pm...

and when you're 4 you pray for things like baseball. You pray that your momma will let you play soccer the next day. You pray for candy... and you thank God for Kiki being in the sky.

We were going down the freeway... but it felt like everything was standing still. He was telling me a story about a little girl at the zoo who was sad because she only got one piece of candy, and it wasn't fair because he had a lot..... for whatever reason, in that moment.. that's when it all hit.

The tears started falling out of my eyes like a dam had just let loose. They just kept coming. I don't think I've ever cried so hard in my life. I just sat there. Quiet... the tears falling down my cheeks onto my shirt. I didn't make a sound. I didn't want him to know I was crying. He always says "momma, don't be sad... come here, it's going to be ok... it's going to be ok."

It's not fair for a 4 year old to have to hold your world together for you. And the awful part about it is that it's always just been me and him...so he feels like it's his job. At 4 he feels like he has to take care of me... and I'm supposed to take care of him. How could I let him see me cry? He doesn't understand tears... they aren't the same tears he cries. They don't mean the same thing.

You would think at some point you'd run out of tears... they'd dry up... but I swear as soon as I think there isn't any left to cry... they start falling again.

I get so mad when I'm not strong.. I hate not feeling strong. I hate feeling like it's out of my control. I can't sit by and just live... thinking it will all just work out... and I'm tired. My body is tired. My mind is tired....

It seems selfish and I don't want it to be. Maybe I just need a hug.

Walk the line....

I think I can probably sleep when I'm dead. It seems like there's always someone.. or something pulling me a different direction than I was already traveling. The good news about feeling like there's no time to sleep... and no time to breath is that I'm still alive.

I woke up today and it was Halloween. Can I just say thank the good lord that this blessed holiday has almost come to an end... for yet another year. I feel like it's been Halloween for 3 weeks. There's been absolutely amazing and absolutely insane parties. Junk food... dressing up like an idiot..... pumpkin carving (which I'd like to mention I absolutely hate) baking... more baking..... followed by.....

baking.

Tonight I'm taking my little man out to fill his little tummy with candy... and his heart with happy :) I'm pretty excited. If there's one thing in my life that stays constant.... it's his perfect little self. He's everything in my world... and when it all goes pear shaped he knows just how to smile to make me realize that that's all that matters... and all that will ever matter.

On a lighter note...  Men in my life... and those who may potentially find themselves in my life....

Women pluck, shave, wax, tan, whiten their teeth, spend insane amounts of money on gels, cremes, lotions..... powders...

We get laser hair removal... fake boobs... fake eyelashes... fake hair..... botox... injections..

We get our nails done.... the manicures... the pedicures... the facials.....

Buy almost every beauty product promoted in Vogue that will undoubtedly make us look EXACTLY like Heidi Klum....

We edit every single picture on our Facebook before posting it..... and are mortified by all the one's we're "tagged" in eating a hamburger in the background.  *****Caught with for mouth open?!? Right...... you told him you were a vegetarian!!!!!!!*****

We all... at some point in our life have gone on one.... (haha) or multiple crash diets to fit in to some damn dress we with all certainly probably bought a size to small hoping we could Crisco our way into it... just to look good for............ you.

Yup.... that's the big secret. There. It. Is.

I'd also like to mention, in light of all that.... that it seems as though all the men who like to complain about the hours spent in the bathroom, the money "wasted"... and all these "fake" girls..... are the same men who never once complained about the outcome.

I have yet to meet a man who wanted to b*tch about how long it took to get ready..... then followed it up by "you don't look that good.... what was the 2 hours for?!?"

So.... from this "fake" girl ... maybe you need to let us do our thing, and focus a little more on the man-scaping.

Here's the thing...... You look like a grizzly bear... and you smell like a bar at 2:00 am.

At this point... it's all a re-run

I haven't blogged in quite awhile.... mostly because I've been avoiding the social media world for quite some time....

Tap..... tap... tap...... hello..... hellllooooooo...... Is this thing on?!?!?

So, instead of some emotional rant.... or blasting one of my ex boyfriends, or even possibly recounting every boring detail of my last failed (but humorous) date.. I shall simply catch you up on what's been going on in my life. The cliff notes version.. because lord knows I like to ramble about things that don't matter that much.

Mostly, I've been on the couch sick for 3 days. BUT! I've learned that this is the perfect time to do all of the things I never get to do:

-Watch Bravo.... for 22 hours a day.

-Sleep in my Pinks.... the same Pinks..........  for 3 days straight....

-Leave my hair sitting fashionably on top of my head as to say "I've completely given up on my life."

-Create myself a little floor picnic consisting of Powerade Zero, Saltine crackers and sprite
..... I should mention there's a strong chance I'll never eat saltines again in my life.

-Catch up on emails. It turns out that no one of importance actually emails me....... Ever.
Also... I should stop shopping..... AND someone thinks that I want to mingle... with Christians.

"Christian singles Mingle"..... Sounds like a nightmare.

Aside from that, I have finally started my business with my good girlfriend that I could not be anymore excited about. "Faire Belle" Event planning and Design. I've finally figured out a way to put my take control attitude and OCD tendencies to good use..... plus since I have a constant urge to bake something... craft something... or throw a party... I've formulated a plan to make money doing so. So far I could not be any happier with the progress. Luckily, I still have my incredibly boring job to keep me afloat in these first hard months but I know that it's going to be absolutely amazing.

If there's one thing my dad always taught me it's that you can live a life of love and passion if you spend it doing something you love and are passionate about.

On that same note... I've taken the hard road the last few weeks in learning that you have to create your own happiness. That if you aren't invested in it, no one else is going to be. No one can choose your path. You have to keep moving forward.

Sometimes, you don't always have to know where you're going, or exactly where you're ending up to take the first step.

Me: 2 Meathead: 0

I thought today would be a perfect morning to get my butt to the gym. After a weekend of (baking) and eating everything bad in sight.. along with starting the morning off particularly stressed the eff out... I thought I would go and run off all of my extra anxiety.

I walked into the gym... welcomed by the beautiful smell of man sweat and the sound of people running on treadmills.... and that's when it happened...

That's when I saw...... him.

The meat head stalker himself. Standing between me and the stair climber..

As though the universe had set me up for this.

Hoping he wouldn't recognize me with the brown hair, I immediately headed straight for the machines and was greeted with an "oh God, it's YOU again" look.

That awkward moment when I realized he was staring RIGHT at me, and not only did he recognize me.. he was taking EVERY available second to judge me.

So, I did what any self respecting girl would do.. sucked in, stood up pin straight.. and asked him if he had "been taking a break from working out lately... I've never seen you look this.........small....

well.... here's to YOU getting back at it ;)"

I gave myself a mental pat on the back as I watched him walk away, staring at his biceps, arms stretched out in front, fists closed, flexing for himself.

 He even took a small, but very noticeable break at the mirror next to the water fountain feeling his own arms up.

I turned on the Stair Climber and thought "oh lord... I'M the one who's been taking the break.."

But, I couldn't let HIM see that.........

so I up'd the levels a little bit.

I guess it's good motivation, because while he was busy groping his own arms, I was KILLING myself to keep up the pace I had set. (for myself mind you.... I actually made a CONSCIOUS decision to be RUNNING up the stair climber.)

I waited until the very last available second after he walked into the free weight room to stop the machine before my heart literally burst out of my chest.... or my legs fell out from under me. I guess either of those happening would have been completely worth it in that moment, because lord knows I wouldn't have had it any other way.

I went out to the parking lot and puked.

BUT If I know him.. and I think I do.... he's probably upping the juice.... right now.

Me: 2    Meathead: 0

You haven't jumped... yet.

Your heart is racing... your knees are buckling...

Your palms are sweaty... there's a ringing in your ears.

The room is spinning... and time stands still...

but you haven't jumped.

 you haven't jumped....... yet.

You don't want to let go... it's like you'd hold on forever but you can't stop a freight train. You can stand on the tracks but you can't stop it from coming.

And the only sound you hear is your heart trying to beat out of your chest.

You think you're strong but you don't feel strong. In fact, you've never felt this weak.

Everything you do is a compilation of who you are.

If you think about it..... everything you've done up to this moment makes up the person standing there. The person standing there...

the person falling apart.

Tomorrow isn't written so you have to lean on everything you've been up to this point... but were you honest? With yourself?

There's church bells in the background. You want to soak it up. You want to soak up every second... knowing that you have so little time, but you're so distracted.

Holding the tears in...keeping them from falling down your face has taken over every other function.

You weren't supposed to be this upset... because it wasn't supposed to be this hard.

You know you have to pull it together. You have to move forward. You have to be brave.

"Goodbye's are like a roulette wheel"

"Goodbye's are like a Roulette wheel, you never know where they're going to land"

I understand the reason why God brings people into our lives... it's when he takes them out of our lives that I don't fully understand.

Sometimes I think there's good in goodbye. Sometimes... I think that moving on with your life is when you give yourself the most clear and authentic opportunity to grow. Generally, I don't think it's the journey that brings certainty. I think it's hindsight..

I think looking back on the struggles, even the smiles... that's when you can truly see yourself...

but what if you're not ready for goodbye? Or it isn't a bad situation? Or you didn't have enough time yet??

What if you saw it all standing right in front of you, and it's taken away?

I guess one of the tragic and beautiful things about life is that it can all change on a dime. You have to make a conscious effort to soak up the moments and memories because it can all suddenly be taken away.  That's a hard, hard lesson to learn... and normally it's one that you don't learn unless you've been forced to.

I was faced with my morality at the age of 20... and still I find myself asking questions I should already have the answers to... but I do know without that experience I would have looked past a lot of the joy I've had in the last 5 years also.

I don't know what to do really...

Do you fight for something that's leaving, knowing that you probably can't stop it even if you want to? Do you bow out gracefully? Do you send it away, praying that something will bring it back? Do you chalk it up for what it was... good memories... good laughs.. and watch it walk away?

There's a lot of things I believe strongly in... but this I don't have an answer to. How are you supposed to know? How do you know what to fight for and what to let go of?

I pray but I feel like I get turned in circles. I meditate... work out... and still I don't know what screams louder... my head or my heart. And which one is right? Which one am I supposed to listen to? Logic or emotion?

What do you think?

12:30.9

12:30.9

It has been a hard few months... Actually, it feels like my "hard few months" is coming up on a year. Most of you, who are close to me have been there through it all.. and know why it's been a long hard road.

Tonight I decided to throw on my running shoes... which by the way, a strong word of advice... don't take your good (dusty) running shoes to Moab and think that the next time you go running you won't be running in sand.

It's like a work out, AND foot exfoliation.

This week I will be buying myself new running shoes.

Because of my health.. I have been a stranger to working out lately ..

So insanely discouraged about a lot of things today, a good friend of mine gave me some amazing and well needed advice..

"You know your body better than any doctor ever will.. you know your strengths, and you make your own limitations."

Well I'm going to be honest, running a 12:30.9 street mile tonight wasn't exactly what I had hoped for. I made the mistake of timing myself... knowing that you can't just hop back on the band wagon after taking such a long break... I didn't think that it wouldn't be quite THAT bad.. but, it also gives me a starting point for getting back to where I need to be again.. and where I feel comfortable again.

Also... I need new ear phones. There's nothing more irritating in this world than trying to run with ear buds that just won't stay in your damn ears!! And I dropped my good set in the bath tub. I wish there was some better story for that... but there's just not.

P.S. have you ever been running in the dark and been violently molested by a cobweb?

 It's actually the worst experience EVER...

EVER!!

You're all sweaty, so that fine, stringy web shit just sticks to your unexpecting face like a c h a m p i o n.

Running.... running... running..... BAM!! Sheer horror.

I probably added 30 seconds to my run time jumping up and down whimpering like a little girl.. trying to figure out how to get my sports bra up far enough to wipe off my damn face. I'm sure my neighbors LOVED the crazy girl on the street, jumping in circles, clawing at her own face.... swearing at a tree... fence... tree... lol (but I guess it is glendale ;) )

Anyway... I've felt intimidated lately. So, so self conscious. Discouraged. Tired.

But, my friend is right. I can't let some doctor(s) set my limitations. I have to do it for myself.

Thank you to everyone who has been by my side. The ones who have never given up on me. Who love me and support me... even through the tears. Even through the extra pounds lol.

When life gives you lemons, say f*** you lemons!

Today was a completely terrible day.. it seemed like it didn't matter where I looked, or what I did.. the universe was just simply out to hate me today.

Isn't it funny though how something as dumb as a text from an amazing friend at 12:20 in the morning when you're on the verge of completely falling apart can turn it all around? I don't know why you text me, its been a million years since I last talked to you... but I'm so, so grateful that you did.

It's been a long time since I've blogged.. (notice no one's been complaining about missing it?? hahaha) but since my mind is running a million miles a minute I thought I would catch up on some things going on.. since I know the last thing that's going to happen right now is sleep.

First of all.. my hair is brown.

Against my will.

Thank you to a tiny Asian woman I trusted with my eyebrows and some "tint".

 Remember that reference I recently made to me and Courtney Love.....

Well let's just say with jet black eyebrows, there was nothing left to separate the two.

The lesson I learned???

When a little asian woman goes..

"ahhhhhh.... I tink too dhaaark, too dhaaark...... oooh toooo daark"

immediately start crying.

The good news is, everyone else seems to like it... I'm simply scared bleaching it will make all my hair fall out.

I went skydiving a few weeks ago. I'm actually surprised I haven't blogged about it yet because I had been waiting for months to go, and with all the hype I allowed my little heart to create about how much I was going to love it, it did not disappoint. It was honestly one of the most incredible things I've ever done, and I highly recommend it to anyone who isn't afraid of putting their entire life into someone else's hands for a couple of minutes. Plus, Moab is incredible. I don't think there's a single thing about that place that I don't absolutely love. There's something so majestic about it to me. Well probably not just to me, I'm sure a lot of people feel that way... but falling out of an airplane over it ain't bad either.

Aiden turned 4 on Friday. As proud as I am of him, it's still so heartbreaking to me that he's already that big. I was thinking about this tonight.. my best friend is currently in labor and getting ready to have her baby boy today. Speaking from experience I know that Mother's Day is the best day ever to have a baby. You cannot ask for a gift more amazing than that. I'm still a little blown away that we both will have popped them out on Mommy's day. (Sorry for the word usage daddy) What are the odds of that?!?

4 Years ago I was in the hospital getting ready to welcome the little guy who would instantly steal my heart, and change my entire world. Up to the moment he came I was absolutely terrified... and the second I saw him I knew I'd never be the same again. Isn't it crazy how you can immediately love something you've never looked at?? THAT is where "love at first sight" came from. The fairy tales have it all wrong. That little boy has had me tied around his finger ever since. Just me and him. It's no exaggeration to say that he's the love of my life.

Anyway I'm going to keep this short.. Happy Mother's Day to all the amazing mothers I know.

With love, Courtney Love ~

Today started out awful. Nothing wanted to work for me. Not even my body...

At one point I thought just rolling out of bed onto the floor would be a more successful option. I laid there for a good 30 minutes listening to my alarm clock go off every 5 minutes trying to convince myself to just get out of bed. I debated calling in to work.. I knew that at any rate I was already late.. because well.. I was still in bed and I promise it took a mini miracle today to even pull off half decent... and I was well aware of that before the day even got started.

My bed head was something to be left only to the imagination. And no matter how much I attempted to flat iron it and spray it the hell into submission, I still came out looking like Courtney Love on a cracked out day.... which I guess is ok if you're into all that. Me?? I just wanted coffee and lots of it.

There comes a point in every woman's life when you've neglected your laundry for so long that you fall into a predicament with 2 options. (Neither of them appealing.)

Granny panties or commando.

Today I found myself in said situation. I would have worn sweats to work if I thought I could pull it off..

and don't lie girls... I know in the back of every one of your drawers there's the "comfortable pair" of full coverage g r a n n y p a n t i e s. Why? I don't know. I do know however that I'm not the only one .... all of them just so cleverly designed with some sort of star, or stripe, or awful flower print. My word of advice.....???? Anything that can be bought in a pack of 3 or more should not be purchased. E v e r!!!!!!

EVER!!

Back away slowly. BUT when your laundry pile is taller than you and you're already late for your seemingly awful day....

Stars it is... and don't wear anything too tight ;)

I've heard it said that you can tell the kind of day you're going to have by the underwear you wear that day. Well.... turns out that's effing true!! Who knew??

It started with granny panties and ended up equally awful.

SO once I do some laundry tonight I'm setting the cotton .... "I don't ever want a boyfriend again.... EVER" panties on fire. ;)

To my little world.

Sunday is my absolute favorite day of the week because I get to spend the entire day with my little monkey man. I don't clean anything.. I don't do laundry.. I don't stress (for the most part) we just go on our adventures. Normally, just me and him... no interruptions.

Today was beautiful outside. We started the day by shopping. I bought him some bigger clothes. That's one of the most amazing things about kids. They never, ever stop growing. Already... everything that I bought him at Christmas is already either on the verge of being too small, or it's already too small.

We bought bigger boy underwear.. for being a 3 1/2 year old.. the tidy whities were simply not cutting it anymore. Let's just say he needed a little more coverage in the underwear department. He is SO pissed off that his new boxer briefs aren't covered in his favorite super heroes. But, because wolverine wasn't covering much of anything these days, we had to upgrade to something a little more "big boy"... so hopefully he'll forgive me soon.

We played at the park today. Our favorite park. We climbed the chain wall. We hung on the monkey bars. We raced. We fell down. We laughed. We swung on the swings. I even decided to make the swing go as high as I possibly could... then launched myself off of it. Great example for an almost 4 year old that isn't scared of absolutely anything... (ooops) Well.. I was just happy I landed and didn't break anything. We laughed more...

We got lunch. We played soccer. We danced for absolutely no reason at all...

We went to the movies. We got popcorn. Candy. Drinks.

This was only the 2nd movie he's ever gone to in the theater. We saw "We Bought A Zoo". I think it was a little bit mature for him, but he still loved it. We snuggled. We ate junk food.. it was perfect.

Someone I know said something the other day that really struck a cord with me. She said:

"You never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory".

That was life changing for me.

You can't anticipate life. You have no idea what it will bring, or when it will end. I feel like the most blessed mommy in the whole world because I have the most perfect little boy in the whole world.

It seems sort of selfish but he's my everything. Sometimes it's hard that it's just me and him... but I think it's sometimes more beautiful that way too. He gives me a new reason every day to love. He gives me a new reason every day to fight.

Thanks for the best day ever Monkey.. Always remember, mommy loves you.

I don't know what to name it.. so it shall stay nameless

I haven't written anything in a few days because.. well my last blog went over like a damn...

epidemic.

Apparently not only should I not write when I'm overly emotional.... but I guess I should make it very clear what I'm talking about because I hurt the feelings of the last person in the world I ever wanted to... and the feelings of a few other people I never intended to take it personally.

So... to clear things up, I've deleted that and will be choosing my words from now on very wisely.

Life has funny timing. I know I've said it before but it seems like when I think it can't get anymore ironic, it does. And it seems to do so with vengeance.

For no particular reason (lord knows I won't share details anymore) I walked into Paradise bakery in the pursuit of finding something completely and utterly unhealthy for me.

I walked up to the counter, working desperately to keep the tears from running down my face and asked the poor unsuspecting girl if they made any of their cookies gluten free..

Paradise girl: "What's gluten?"

Me: "So I'm going to assume that's a no"

Paradise girl screams to the other paradise girl: "This lady doesn't want to eat gluten. Do YOU know what that is?!?"

Mortified that most everyone in the bakery is now looking at me....

Me: "It's ok really..... "

2nd paradise girl: "What can I help you with sweetie?"

** Side Note **I hate it when anyone calls me "sweetie".. "hun".. "babe".. when I don't actually know them. I am not your "sweetie".. I'm about to fall apart in the middle of your bakery. That's going to be a hot mess... I just want a cookie!!

Me: "I was just wondering if you made any of your cookies gluten free?"

2nd Paradise girl: "No Hun.. I'm sorry. We don't."

Me: "Ok I'll just take one of those. (Pointing at the sugar cookie with m&m's)

2nd Paradise girl: "Yeah see we don't make any of these gluten free.. not even that one."

**Side note ** I am literally going to Ninja my A** over this counter and kick yours for a gluten FULL cookie!!!

Me: "Ok "Sweetie" but can I have one of those??" (Pointing at the sugar cookie with m&m's)

2nd Paradise girl: "You do get that that has gluten, right??"

Me: "Yeah so if I could just get one of those that would be great."

2nd Paradise girl: "But that's not gluten free."

Me: "Ok so then I'll just take one... "

2nd Paradise girl literally picked that cookie up like she was about to hand me anthrax.

So........ I said "And I'll take one of those, and one of those, too.................. Thanks!"

I made it all the way to the car before completely falling apart.

The good news is, the cookies were delicious. The bad news is I haven't had hives or a stomach ache like this in weeks. My pride would have to get in the way of being responsible and say... not eating 3 cookies I knew I would completely pay for. Whatever. I had a point to prove. She wasn't going to tell me what not to eat..... Paradise cookies: 1 Me.... Well they were yummy so whatever.

Anyway... things I've learned today: Life can be a crazy ride. I hope that somewhere in all of this I'm becoming stronger and better for it. I hope. I hope I've grown up a little bit.. I hope I've become a better person. I hope that all the pain, tears... even all the smiles are all for something. I want to believe they are.

Much Love

Some Perspective

Something sort of profound happened to me today, and I thought that I ought to

share something.

A friend of mine, who has been struggling with some personal tragedy (I wont mention what because I want to keep their

privacy) said that they had lost all sense of motivation, and that it would be easier just to give up. That they didn't care what

came after this life.. that it couldn't be any worse than the hand they had been dealt.. and they hoped it came soon, even if

they had to drink themselves there.

I was dumbfounded. To be (very) honest, a little bit because I saw some of myself in them.

Not currently but I have dealt with deep depression in the past and the idea that there's no hope.. or outlet for the pain.

It made me feel hurt and selfish. And here's why..

As many of you know.. but some of you may not know, in 2007 I got a disease in my blood stream that attacked my throat, and

without the very last minute education and care of one amazing doctor, I would not be alive.

Here's my story.. I felt the need to share it as a reminder of how lucky I am to be alive.. and how blessed i am to be given a

second chance that not everyone gets. To get my perspective back in the right place, and remember the feeling I had of being

truly alive. The feeling you get right after you are truly faced with mortality, and the idea that your life has an end. It may

sound a little bit.. hokey or cliche (and if it does I invite you to stop reading now)but I hope sharing my story will allow you to

re-evaluate your situation.

It had been a couple of weeks of feeling miserable. I had gone to the doctor 2 weeks in a row complaining that my throat had

never hurt the way that it did, and I insisted that I had strep and needed to be put on an antibiotic.

Strep test done, no strep. The second week strep test negative, and I was told to go home and rest.. that I had a virus. This

was a Friday. Saturday I felt awful, and by Sunday I couldn't keep anything down. Even water. My fever had spiked to 103+

and I felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest.

Monday the very thought of swallowing made me want to cut off my left arm. I was throwing up uncontrollably and my heart

was racing. I felt like I couldn't breath. I remember telling my dad that i was suffocating.. and that I needed my mom to get me

to the Dr.

We went to Insta-care and were immediately sent to Salt Lake Regional Hospital. They took my blood pressure, temp.. all the

regular ER intake stuff. My heart rate was in the 160's.. pushing the 170's (beats per minute) and my fever was reaching 104.

They immediately took me back and hooked me to heart monitors, Fluids.. and started the tests. I was tested for just about

everything you can test a human being for.. Aids, hepatitis, cancer, mono, diabetes, the list went on an on. No answers.

A few hours into my stay in the ER.. 5 doctors with medical books walked into my room... this was the moment I knew it was

bad. They didn't know what to do, just that my vitals were failing and that they had to get my heart under control.

They told me that i was going to need to stay, and they moved me to a room. That night was one of the longest nights of my

life. My mom stayed in the hospital with me. I remember wanting to sleep but every time I moved I would set off all the

monitors.. machines.. oxygen... and the nurses would come reset everything. It hurt to breath. It hurt to swallow.

The next day was more tests. No answers. I could only breath with the assistance of an oxygen machine... they said had I not

come in when I did I would have fallen asleep and probably not woken up.

My dad had come up to the hospital to be with us... but due to my dad's diabetes, my parents had to leave to go to the lunch

room to get him food. While there, Dr. Updyke, an infectious disease specialist came to my room. The news wasn't good.

She told me that I had to be moved to the ICU because my vitals weren't improving enough, and based on my blood work.. my

body was septic and had already started to attack itself, which she needed to try and get under control.. or my body would kill

itself. She said we needed to call my parents because it was getting very bad, very quickly and they needed to be there with

me just in case.

I remember my dad being so, so upset. I remember him wanting me to get up and walk.. but I couldn't. I couldn't breath and

my body was weak. He was scared.. I could see it in him.. I remember him screaming that i had to get up.. I had to get up and

walk or I was going to die in the hospital bed.. that he didn't want me to die.. just please get up.

I was moved into the ICU. By this time I couldn't talk. I had a notepad to write on.. which I could barely do because of all the

drugs they had me on to stop the pain. She had ordered a body scan.. and finally found the infection in my throat.

They brought in an ENT to monitor me.. and to walk the ICU staff through my emergency tracheotomy if the swelling were to

get bad enough or if i was to suffocate in the night. They had put me on steroids to control the swelling in my throat... I just

remember I kept thinking.. he's walking them through this.. have they never done this before?!?!

I was so scared to sleep that night. By this time I couldn't lay down. Laying down meant suffocating. My parents were in the

room with me. I stared at them.. all night. Thinking that it could be the last time that i saw them... I kept praying to God to get

me through to the morning because I wanted my sisters there. I wanted them to be with me.

A lot goes through your mind in those moments. Every decision you have ever made.. every relationship you have had.. every

person you hurt.. every person you miss. You think about the way you'd leave everything behind .. you think about all the things

you never got the chance to do. You think about God.. you think about your family. You think about the pain you're about to

leave them with. You think about every single Little detail.

You think about people but not in the sense you think you would. You suddenly know every line on their faces.. every smile, you

remember in perfect clarity. You think about every moment. You think about the last time you hugged people. You think about

the last time you told someone you loved them. You think about it all. You think about the last thing you said to people. You

make wishes.. a lot of wishes.. and you're suddenly filled with a lot of regret for the things that were so stupid that you wish

you could change.

The swelling finally went down. A few days later I was released from the hospital. It took me a few weeks.. almost a month to

get out of bed.. to be able to walk around the block. I remember that day. My dad asked me if i thought I was strong enough to

take a walk with him. I was wearing Christmas pajamas lol. It was painful. My body was still tired. Walking around 1 block

kicked my butt... but it was also one of the most rewarding 20 mins of my life.

It was beautiful outside. It was warm... and I remember thinking that he was still there. My dad. I was still with him. I was

next to him. I was walking with him. I could breath.. and he was there. he was still nest to me.

I promised myself in that 20 minutes that i would never forget the way it felt to almost lose it all. To almost lose everyone you

love. To not have the choice.. but to be handed my mortality. I told myself I wasn't going to forget the pain that I felt for

everyone I felt like I had let down. I wasn't going to let life pass me by because you never know when it's done.

I promised myself that I would always let my family and friends know what they meant to me.. I try.. really hard to. I don't love

anything part way. I love everything I love with everything that I am.

I'm not always the best at telling people. Sometimes I forget... if you care for someone you can't just assume that they know. I

don't want to forget.

I guess that's what this is all about. To remind myself of the things I have sort of let slipped. Sometimes it's easy to get so

caught up in the thing's that don't really matter.. that we overlook the things that matter most.

To all my friends and family.. I'm trying. I don't ever want to let any of you down.. I don't mean to if I do. I hope that you know

from the bottom of my heart that I love you with everything. All of me. You are all so incredible.. and I am so, so lucky to know

each and every one of you. I don't say that lightly, and I hope you know that I mean it.

Please take the time to put your life in perspective. I'm not trying to be cheesy.. but it's the Holidays. Don't overlook the

blessings you have in your life. Nothing is worth regret. Tell the people you love, that you love them. Let them hear it.

Sometimes that's the only thing that needs to be said. Patch up your broken relationships. Be better.. be more kind. Be more

thoughtful. Be the person you wish you had in your life.

I know that was long.. if you read it, thank you. Much love, I love you all.

To Whom It May Concern..

I've dated it all. The Installer. The Mechanic. The Cowboy. The Soldier. (A few different times). The Musician. The Banker. The Millionaire. The Traveling IT Specialist. The Business Man. The Business Owner. The Salesman. The Jock. The Meathead. (Not to be confused for Jock.. they are not one in the same. One is athletic.... and well, the other............. is a meathead).

I've dated The Waiter. The Contractor. The Cop. The Engineer. The Biker. The Mogul. The Model. The Bouncer. The Pro Athlete. The Student.. and even the Self Proclaimed "Socialite". (I should only be so lucky).

They've taken me to breakfast. Lunches. Dinners. Coffee. Movies. Hiking. Ice skating. Go cart racing. Football games. Soccer games. Hockey games. Golfing. Out For Ice Cream. Parties. Concerts. Clubs. Bars. Weddings. Sledding. Swimming. Motorcycle rides...

We've gone snow boarding. To Museums. Boating. To pick out furniture...

And I've heard every pick up line there is.

Twice.

There's been the Jerks. The Charmers. The Players. The Comedians. The Momma's Boys. The Socially Inept... and I think even The First Time Daters. I am apparently, the only one dumb enough to go out with some of these boys..

There's been the fast movers, and the complete duds...

The "I'll call you"s.. and the "I'm never going to stop calling or texting you until you get so annoyed by how overwhelming it is to get a text that says "what's up" or "hey" every half an hour until you're ready to rip my spline out through my throat".

Ever heard that song..... It's not like I'm not trying.. 'cause I'll give anyone a shot once...... ??

I could have written that.

So, To whom it may concern:

Maybe I'm a little bit picky... or hard to please. Or too blunt.

I'm not sure. Maybe there's just something about me the makes you question your manhood... or ability to carry on an adult conversation... or a conversation with a female.. period.

I have to hold hope that there's someone out there that will interest me for more than 5 minutes.... but Utah the odds are looking very slim, and not in your favor.

So.. if you and me cross paths at Target.. you should know..

I'm looking for a Man.

Tall. Handsome. Successful. Driven. (I should mention single). Amazing smile. Athletic. Strong. Sweet. Romantic. Laid back. Smart. Amazing sense of humor. Someone that doesn't get offended too easily.. and can handle honesty. Someone outdoorsy, and outgoing. Someone willing to watch ANY chic flick I want to. Someone who will leave me the hell alone during... pretty much any football game during the regular season.. AND during play offs you may sit on the couch with me, but not talk to me.

I want someone to stand up for me ALWAYS. Even when I may be a little emotional or out of line. Someone who's proud to be with me and be seen with me... as much fun is it is to sit in the background or corner because you're not proud to have me next to you... I'm over that.

Someone who doesn't smoke. Takes care of themselves. Has either gone through the proper man-scaping steps... or will let me help him through it. Ps.. I compulsively shop for men's clothes when I'm with one. (A man I mean haha) I promise I won't make you look like an idiot... but when I buy you clothes and watches, and you never wear them... you're simply a jerk.

Someone willing to try anything crazy I can come up with. Someone who actually cares about my opinion or the things that I'm interested in and want to do. Someone who will cook with me. Someone who can be sympathetic on sick days. Fat days. Self conscious days. Hard days at work... emotional days.

An amazing kisser. Word.

The list gets longer but if you can conquer all of that... maybe we can go on date 2 ;)

What can I say.... I had a**hole long enough, I'm ready for Mr. Perfect.

You say that I'm a dreamer..

This blog ended up being nothing that I thought it was going to..

I've typed.... deleted.... and re-written it so many times now, in hopes that maybe if I say the right thing to myself that it will all make sense. Truth is, there is no making sense of life sometimes.

Here's the part I didn't expect. I'm completely heart broken right now, for a lot of reasons... none that really seem worth getting into.. the only thing that matters right now is that I didn't know a heart could be so broken, because until now...I didn't know a heart could love like this.

But I won't give up.

I still believe in love. I still believe in dreaming. Maybe making a wish on a star, or making a wish when I see the clock say 11:11.... or picking up a lucky penny and carrying it in my pocket for weeks is dumb.

Maybe, just maybe throwing that same penny into a pond, and believing with all of my heart that it's magical is childish.....

Some people think that I'm unrealistic.. That my dreams are too big, and my grasp of reality too small. Maybe those people should ask themselves when the last time they had a dream was.

It takes nothing to put up walls... it takes someone amazing to tear them down. You didn't even have to try.

You say that I'm a dreamer.. maybe I just refuse to live with what's left of the dreams you never chased.

Happy Valentine's Day!!!!!

It's Valentines day... so I'm allowed to write some dumb, mushy blog about love.... right?

Lol to avoid, stop reading now. This is going to get pretty cheesy.

This was one of the best Valentines Days I think I've ever had, as ironic as that is. You'd think that it would be awful. Actually I was a little scared. Scared that for some reason it would all fall apart. I've never really had a good Valentines Day. The list of Valentines Day woes is long... and to be honest not really worth reflecting over.

Valentines Day = disappointment. There you go. You're all caught up lol.

This year was different. Minus wanting one thing that I couldn't have, it was absolutely perfect.

I actually had a Valentine for once. And he's so, so.... SO handsome... and completely adorable.. and makes me smile, the biggest most ridiculous smiles. What more could a girl ask for??? He also did something for me which could quite possibly be the best Valentine's Day present ever. Something so much more thoughtful than flowers, or chocolate (Not that I don't love both) ... something I don't know that I'll ever be able to say thank you for. I just hope he knows how much it means to me.

I couldn't help but feel completely head over heels today.. I actually felt happy.... like the luckiest girl in the world.

I got to spend the morning before work with my little babe. If there's anyone in the world who has taught me about love, it is that little boy. I didn't know love until I met him... I didn't know that a person could love someone the way that I love him.... and I find new reasons to fall even more in love with him every single day.

He gives me strength I don't have on my own. He saved me. I know that seems so selfish maybe to say about a 3 year old but I can't explain the way he's healed my heart.

He told me Happy Valentines Day today at least 900 times. And you know what?? It never got old... I could have heard it 900 more.

Just when I thought my day couldn't get anymore perfect... he showed up to my work with flowers for me. And I'm not going to lie... like a big old baby I cried my eyes out. I can't even begin to tell you how adorable it is for a little 3 year old to come running up to you holding a bouquet of flowers he picked out just for you. How does a little man like that have the world's biggest heart??? I'm the LUCKIEST momma in the world.

Welp...I don't want to get that ridiculous about all the mushy stuff..

Love who you love everyone... and say that you do. Today isn't just about relationships.... it's about remembering to tell the people that you love, that you love them. Don't assume that people in your life know how you feel. That's the biggest mistake you could ever make.

Happy Valentines Day everyone!!!!!!!

Me: 1 Meathead: 0

I'm not going to lie, I'm no good when my schedule gets interrupted. When I get my mind made up, that is just what it is. Made up. I can handle minor hiccups. My stalker being at my gym though is not a minor hiccup. This is a complete disruption of my day and he must die. (No I'm just kidding, I don't actually wish him death)

Anyone smart would do the smart thing and just change gyms, but lets just say at this point it's become... survival of the fittest. You can cut the tension with a knife.. and.... if looks could kill, we're playing Russian Roulette.

The good news is, I immediately become so much more athletic when he's stepped into the room. Like "yeah you big stupid meat head.. you can't run!" And I amp up the speed on the treadmill. Literally attempting to kill myself.

Where one meat head goes, the rest will follow.

This is completely true. They congregate to each other. Like there's something to be said for them standing there comparing their juice induced muscles. Look at how much I can squat.. my roids are better than yours. I think they'd start peeing on the work out equipment if they could.

Well... completely irritated that he interrupted my workout, for the 2nd time this week, I decided to do the completely mature thing and pick the machine right next to him and his shoulder workout. I have NEVER used this machine... ever. Thank the good lord for the little pictures.... like paint by numbers. I had a point to prove, and apparently that was that I was going to make his life as miserable as possible.

Let me also just insert here that he makes the most ridiculous work-out faces EVER. Apparently he never looks in the mirror while lifting. I think he should. He looks like a constipated pug. Scrunched nose and everything. And... had I not been so focused on shoulder pressing 40 more pounds than I'm physically capable of.. I probably would have done the next mature thing and copied each face in strategic - "you look like a complete idiot" order.

I guess I made him uncomfortable enough, he flexed all the way into the free weight room, and me.. feeling completely accomplished gathered my smart water, waved goodbye to the rest of the sausage fest... and left.

I can't wait for tomorrow when I can't turn my head.

Me: 1 Meat Head: 0

What goes up must come down

I never sleep. It's always toss and turn, wake up 9000 times... lay there for a couple of hours... stare at the clocking ticking away. Thinking there are a hundred things I could be doing instead of wasting my night doing flip flops in my bed.

My mind runs a million miles a minute. Like when I lay down I actually have time to think about everything going on in my life... so that seems to be all I do. Lay there an obsess about everything happening.

Any sleep I do get is always artificial. It always comes from Tylenol pm, and even then it's minimal.

I had set my alarm for 5 am. I decided to get back on the morning gym band wagon. I worked out hard last night so I felt motivated to get my butt back in gear.

Well.

I woke up this morning and my first thought was... well.. it's obviously way too damn bright right now to be 5 am. And then I had that moment of panic where I was like.. "CRAP!! IT'S WAY TOO DAMN BRIGHT RIGHT NOW TO BE 5 AM!!!!!!! Where's my phone?!?!?!.. It's obviously not 5am .... and I'm obviously late for work!!

So I threw myself half conscious and half dressed out of bed. I literally tripped over a high heel which sent me flying across the room onto the floor. It was so Ninja that I actually managed to end up the opposite direction of which I first started.. I laid there, staring at the ceiling... thinking...

"Yup... too bright to be 5 am."

Well... needless to say, the way you start the day is the way you end the day...

It has been a freaking emotional roller coaster today. I want to be strong. I want to work through it all... I don't want to be the dumb girl that's always complaining but I can say tonight, It all hit the surface.

The one thing I learned today is that even at 25, mommas still give the best hugs. And there's something about her saying it's going to be OK that I believe beyond anything else in the world.

I have a lot of things going on.. a lot of big life decisions that I need to make for me and my baby and it's scary. It's scary when you don't have anyone else helping you make those decisions and you know that you are making decisions that are going to affect someone that can't make them for himself.

I need some serious inspiration. Some clear road...

"Goodbye!" - And don't let the door hit you on the way out

I've been in a little bit of a ... rut. A rut in my personal life, my work life.... a rut in working out.. in everything. Just blah.

Then... yesterday someone showed their ugly little face back in my life and it sent me into a complete tail spin. I completely panicked.

One thing I've learned? That I have to stay on top of it... on top of me I guess because it makes it a lot easier to shut that nasty little door if I am.

So I decided today that I was going to stop complaining about this rut I'm in and pull it back together, because the only one who is going to pull me out of this is me.

When your laundry pile is taller than you... It is time to actually do it.

I have been washing, drying, folding, hanging, and...... swearing... all day long.

I finally got my car cleaned out... from everything that was birthday in it. Well.. birthday or Charity project. Small stuffed animals and matchbox cars had taken over the front seat... the back seat.. and were creeping their way into the trunk. They probably would have made it in the trunk but my trunk was full of serving platters, candy jars... and everything else I haven't wanted to take care of.

I had to make a trip to the storage unit to put everything back in their dusty boxes. (Which is probably 99% of the reason I haven't done it) It is ALWAYS painful going there. I see everything I own covered in a layer of dust and it breaks my heart. This completely awful reminder that my whole life was put on hold for someone else... and that it's just sitting there.

I got my oil changed today. My car really appreciates that I think. It probably would have appreciated it about 10,000 miles ago.

Aiden got his hair cut so now he doesn't look homeless anymore. He wouldn't let her take any of the hair off the top of his head. Hahaha he wasn't falling for the high and tight... wanted it to look like a dinosaur. I guess mission accomplished.

I registered him for spring T-ball and soccer ... and registered him for his British summer soccer clinic. He couldn't be more thrilled. I'm broke... but he's smiling, and now this is all I'm going to hear about for the next 2 months. SOMEHOW I volunteered to coach. Oh momma....

I guess the good thing about coaching 4 year olds is that you're just trying to get them to hit the ball and run the bases, or to stick with one direction and try to make it into the goal. Oh and provide a snack at the end of games. My life just got a whole lot busier.

I made some gluten free pasta tonight. It didn't suck. Actually I assumed that it would taste like I was eating cardboard, but I guess if you put enough sauce on glorified rice noodles.. it isn't too bad.

Well I am off to the gym. I need to go and work my booty off. Get back on track. Sweat... a lot.

Happiness means never having to apologize for being me

Normally I blog late at night after my baby has gone to bed.. and it's quiet.. and I'm completely exhausted.. and left alone with my thoughts of the day.

Well.. I don't think that my thoughts ever really stopped last night, actually I don't think I really slept at all so I'm blogging now to get the rest of the overflow of emotions out so I can put it behind me and move on with this day.

I thought that I was going to wake up - make a fruit smoothie - throw some work outs on On Demand and get my butt back in gear.

The alarm went off and I felt like I had JUST closed my eyes. My baby threw on the T.V... and apparently last time that thing was on I must have been watching Hoarders on TLC or something because 19 Kids and Counting came on. Let me tell you the 2 ways to make it a bad morning. Well.... no....... just one way.. 19 Kids and Counting. I grabbed the remote to make Michelle Duggar shut the eff up but no matter how hard I hit the magical little red button to make it stop, it wouldn't. Batteries dead? I don't know.. I understand technology to about the same extent as I understand brain surgery. I don't do either.

I dragged my butt out of bed to turn off the TV and thought "Welp, I made it this far.. might as well keep going."

I threw on a sports bra, made me and Aiden fruit smoothies... threw on On Demand...

I made it through the first squat in my "Glute Grind" and then spent the rest of the 25 minutes sitting on the floor, hair on top of my head, fruit smoothie in hand......

One of us has better gluteus today.... well honey it aint me.

I am seriously lacking some motivation.

But.. I also woke up to a few things that sort of turned it around. (Minus my gluteus, I can't get that 25 minutes back) First of all, the NICEST people on Youtube ever. That sounds dumb but I woke up to some of the sweetest comments from complete strangers on what's really an awfully done video of me singing so, so and trying my best to play the guitar. Someone told me today that I've inspired them to learn how to play. WHAT!? I can't even play it. You miss are heaven sent. That was so incredibly sweet.

I woke up to some sweet messages and comments on Facebook.. one particularly that put it into perspective for me. I feel so blessed to have people around to kick my butt back in gear when I lose sight of the things in front of me.

It always blows me away.. for all the people who try to tear you down, how many there are around you who love and care about you who just want to see you move forward too.

I read another friend's blog today which was sort of interesting because it basically was focused on all the good things in his life right now. I try to do that in my life but I definitely could work on it. It's not that I don't know that I'm blessed.. because I am so grateful for everything I have.

So basically I just need to buck up and pull it back together. The one thing that I refuse to do is to look back... especially at an incredibly harmful past.

So... I'm going to hop in the shower - after my incredibly tense......... squat. Get ready for work.. and smile.

I may not be everyone's cup of tea.. but I think happiness is never having to apologize for just being me. And the right person will give me that.

I hope everyone has an amazing Tuesday ;)