Some Perspective

Something sort of profound happened to me today, and I thought that I ought to

share something.

A friend of mine, who has been struggling with some personal tragedy (I wont mention what because I want to keep their

privacy) said that they had lost all sense of motivation, and that it would be easier just to give up. That they didn't care what

came after this life.. that it couldn't be any worse than the hand they had been dealt.. and they hoped it came soon, even if

they had to drink themselves there.

I was dumbfounded. To be (very) honest, a little bit because I saw some of myself in them.

Not currently but I have dealt with deep depression in the past and the idea that there's no hope.. or outlet for the pain.

It made me feel hurt and selfish. And here's why..

As many of you know.. but some of you may not know, in 2007 I got a disease in my blood stream that attacked my throat, and

without the very last minute education and care of one amazing doctor, I would not be alive.

Here's my story.. I felt the need to share it as a reminder of how lucky I am to be alive.. and how blessed i am to be given a

second chance that not everyone gets. To get my perspective back in the right place, and remember the feeling I had of being

truly alive. The feeling you get right after you are truly faced with mortality, and the idea that your life has an end. It may

sound a little bit.. hokey or cliche (and if it does I invite you to stop reading now)but I hope sharing my story will allow you to

re-evaluate your situation.

It had been a couple of weeks of feeling miserable. I had gone to the doctor 2 weeks in a row complaining that my throat had

never hurt the way that it did, and I insisted that I had strep and needed to be put on an antibiotic.

Strep test done, no strep. The second week strep test negative, and I was told to go home and rest.. that I had a virus. This

was a Friday. Saturday I felt awful, and by Sunday I couldn't keep anything down. Even water. My fever had spiked to 103+

and I felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest.

Monday the very thought of swallowing made me want to cut off my left arm. I was throwing up uncontrollably and my heart

was racing. I felt like I couldn't breath. I remember telling my dad that i was suffocating.. and that I needed my mom to get me

to the Dr.

We went to Insta-care and were immediately sent to Salt Lake Regional Hospital. They took my blood pressure, temp.. all the

regular ER intake stuff. My heart rate was in the 160's.. pushing the 170's (beats per minute) and my fever was reaching 104.

They immediately took me back and hooked me to heart monitors, Fluids.. and started the tests. I was tested for just about

everything you can test a human being for.. Aids, hepatitis, cancer, mono, diabetes, the list went on an on. No answers.

A few hours into my stay in the ER.. 5 doctors with medical books walked into my room... this was the moment I knew it was

bad. They didn't know what to do, just that my vitals were failing and that they had to get my heart under control.

They told me that i was going to need to stay, and they moved me to a room. That night was one of the longest nights of my

life. My mom stayed in the hospital with me. I remember wanting to sleep but every time I moved I would set off all the

monitors.. machines.. oxygen... and the nurses would come reset everything. It hurt to breath. It hurt to swallow.

The next day was more tests. No answers. I could only breath with the assistance of an oxygen machine... they said had I not

come in when I did I would have fallen asleep and probably not woken up.

My dad had come up to the hospital to be with us... but due to my dad's diabetes, my parents had to leave to go to the lunch

room to get him food. While there, Dr. Updyke, an infectious disease specialist came to my room. The news wasn't good.

She told me that I had to be moved to the ICU because my vitals weren't improving enough, and based on my blood work.. my

body was septic and had already started to attack itself, which she needed to try and get under control.. or my body would kill

itself. She said we needed to call my parents because it was getting very bad, very quickly and they needed to be there with

me just in case.

I remember my dad being so, so upset. I remember him wanting me to get up and walk.. but I couldn't. I couldn't breath and

my body was weak. He was scared.. I could see it in him.. I remember him screaming that i had to get up.. I had to get up and

walk or I was going to die in the hospital bed.. that he didn't want me to die.. just please get up.

I was moved into the ICU. By this time I couldn't talk. I had a notepad to write on.. which I could barely do because of all the

drugs they had me on to stop the pain. She had ordered a body scan.. and finally found the infection in my throat.

They brought in an ENT to monitor me.. and to walk the ICU staff through my emergency tracheotomy if the swelling were to

get bad enough or if i was to suffocate in the night. They had put me on steroids to control the swelling in my throat... I just

remember I kept thinking.. he's walking them through this.. have they never done this before?!?!

I was so scared to sleep that night. By this time I couldn't lay down. Laying down meant suffocating. My parents were in the

room with me. I stared at them.. all night. Thinking that it could be the last time that i saw them... I kept praying to God to get

me through to the morning because I wanted my sisters there. I wanted them to be with me.

A lot goes through your mind in those moments. Every decision you have ever made.. every relationship you have had.. every

person you hurt.. every person you miss. You think about the way you'd leave everything behind .. you think about all the things

you never got the chance to do. You think about God.. you think about your family. You think about the pain you're about to

leave them with. You think about every single Little detail.

You think about people but not in the sense you think you would. You suddenly know every line on their faces.. every smile, you

remember in perfect clarity. You think about every moment. You think about the last time you hugged people. You think about

the last time you told someone you loved them. You think about it all. You think about the last thing you said to people. You

make wishes.. a lot of wishes.. and you're suddenly filled with a lot of regret for the things that were so stupid that you wish

you could change.

The swelling finally went down. A few days later I was released from the hospital. It took me a few weeks.. almost a month to

get out of bed.. to be able to walk around the block. I remember that day. My dad asked me if i thought I was strong enough to

take a walk with him. I was wearing Christmas pajamas lol. It was painful. My body was still tired. Walking around 1 block

kicked my butt... but it was also one of the most rewarding 20 mins of my life.

It was beautiful outside. It was warm... and I remember thinking that he was still there. My dad. I was still with him. I was

next to him. I was walking with him. I could breath.. and he was there. he was still nest to me.

I promised myself in that 20 minutes that i would never forget the way it felt to almost lose it all. To almost lose everyone you

love. To not have the choice.. but to be handed my mortality. I told myself I wasn't going to forget the pain that I felt for

everyone I felt like I had let down. I wasn't going to let life pass me by because you never know when it's done.

I promised myself that I would always let my family and friends know what they meant to me.. I try.. really hard to. I don't love

anything part way. I love everything I love with everything that I am.

I'm not always the best at telling people. Sometimes I forget... if you care for someone you can't just assume that they know. I

don't want to forget.

I guess that's what this is all about. To remind myself of the things I have sort of let slipped. Sometimes it's easy to get so

caught up in the thing's that don't really matter.. that we overlook the things that matter most.

To all my friends and family.. I'm trying. I don't ever want to let any of you down.. I don't mean to if I do. I hope that you know

from the bottom of my heart that I love you with everything. All of me. You are all so incredible.. and I am so, so lucky to know

each and every one of you. I don't say that lightly, and I hope you know that I mean it.

Please take the time to put your life in perspective. I'm not trying to be cheesy.. but it's the Holidays. Don't overlook the

blessings you have in your life. Nothing is worth regret. Tell the people you love, that you love them. Let them hear it.

Sometimes that's the only thing that needs to be said. Patch up your broken relationships. Be better.. be more kind. Be more

thoughtful. Be the person you wish you had in your life.

I know that was long.. if you read it, thank you. Much love, I love you all.

To Whom It May Concern..

I've dated it all. The Installer. The Mechanic. The Cowboy. The Soldier. (A few different times). The Musician. The Banker. The Millionaire. The Traveling IT Specialist. The Business Man. The Business Owner. The Salesman. The Jock. The Meathead. (Not to be confused for Jock.. they are not one in the same. One is athletic.... and well, the other............. is a meathead).

I've dated The Waiter. The Contractor. The Cop. The Engineer. The Biker. The Mogul. The Model. The Bouncer. The Pro Athlete. The Student.. and even the Self Proclaimed "Socialite". (I should only be so lucky).

They've taken me to breakfast. Lunches. Dinners. Coffee. Movies. Hiking. Ice skating. Go cart racing. Football games. Soccer games. Hockey games. Golfing. Out For Ice Cream. Parties. Concerts. Clubs. Bars. Weddings. Sledding. Swimming. Motorcycle rides...

We've gone snow boarding. To Museums. Boating. To pick out furniture...

And I've heard every pick up line there is.

Twice.

There's been the Jerks. The Charmers. The Players. The Comedians. The Momma's Boys. The Socially Inept... and I think even The First Time Daters. I am apparently, the only one dumb enough to go out with some of these boys..

There's been the fast movers, and the complete duds...

The "I'll call you"s.. and the "I'm never going to stop calling or texting you until you get so annoyed by how overwhelming it is to get a text that says "what's up" or "hey" every half an hour until you're ready to rip my spline out through my throat".

Ever heard that song..... It's not like I'm not trying.. 'cause I'll give anyone a shot once...... ??

I could have written that.

So, To whom it may concern:

Maybe I'm a little bit picky... or hard to please. Or too blunt.

I'm not sure. Maybe there's just something about me the makes you question your manhood... or ability to carry on an adult conversation... or a conversation with a female.. period.

I have to hold hope that there's someone out there that will interest me for more than 5 minutes.... but Utah the odds are looking very slim, and not in your favor.

So.. if you and me cross paths at Target.. you should know..

I'm looking for a Man.

Tall. Handsome. Successful. Driven. (I should mention single). Amazing smile. Athletic. Strong. Sweet. Romantic. Laid back. Smart. Amazing sense of humor. Someone that doesn't get offended too easily.. and can handle honesty. Someone outdoorsy, and outgoing. Someone willing to watch ANY chic flick I want to. Someone who will leave me the hell alone during... pretty much any football game during the regular season.. AND during play offs you may sit on the couch with me, but not talk to me.

I want someone to stand up for me ALWAYS. Even when I may be a little emotional or out of line. Someone who's proud to be with me and be seen with me... as much fun is it is to sit in the background or corner because you're not proud to have me next to you... I'm over that.

Someone who doesn't smoke. Takes care of themselves. Has either gone through the proper man-scaping steps... or will let me help him through it. Ps.. I compulsively shop for men's clothes when I'm with one. (A man I mean haha) I promise I won't make you look like an idiot... but when I buy you clothes and watches, and you never wear them... you're simply a jerk.

Someone willing to try anything crazy I can come up with. Someone who actually cares about my opinion or the things that I'm interested in and want to do. Someone who will cook with me. Someone who can be sympathetic on sick days. Fat days. Self conscious days. Hard days at work... emotional days.

An amazing kisser. Word.

The list gets longer but if you can conquer all of that... maybe we can go on date 2 ;)

What can I say.... I had a**hole long enough, I'm ready for Mr. Perfect.

You say that I'm a dreamer..

This blog ended up being nothing that I thought it was going to..

I've typed.... deleted.... and re-written it so many times now, in hopes that maybe if I say the right thing to myself that it will all make sense. Truth is, there is no making sense of life sometimes.

Here's the part I didn't expect. I'm completely heart broken right now, for a lot of reasons... none that really seem worth getting into.. the only thing that matters right now is that I didn't know a heart could be so broken, because until now...I didn't know a heart could love like this.

But I won't give up.

I still believe in love. I still believe in dreaming. Maybe making a wish on a star, or making a wish when I see the clock say 11:11.... or picking up a lucky penny and carrying it in my pocket for weeks is dumb.

Maybe, just maybe throwing that same penny into a pond, and believing with all of my heart that it's magical is childish.....

Some people think that I'm unrealistic.. That my dreams are too big, and my grasp of reality too small. Maybe those people should ask themselves when the last time they had a dream was.

It takes nothing to put up walls... it takes someone amazing to tear them down. You didn't even have to try.

You say that I'm a dreamer.. maybe I just refuse to live with what's left of the dreams you never chased.

Happy Valentine's Day!!!!!

It's Valentines day... so I'm allowed to write some dumb, mushy blog about love.... right?

Lol to avoid, stop reading now. This is going to get pretty cheesy.

This was one of the best Valentines Days I think I've ever had, as ironic as that is. You'd think that it would be awful. Actually I was a little scared. Scared that for some reason it would all fall apart. I've never really had a good Valentines Day. The list of Valentines Day woes is long... and to be honest not really worth reflecting over.

Valentines Day = disappointment. There you go. You're all caught up lol.

This year was different. Minus wanting one thing that I couldn't have, it was absolutely perfect.

I actually had a Valentine for once. And he's so, so.... SO handsome... and completely adorable.. and makes me smile, the biggest most ridiculous smiles. What more could a girl ask for??? He also did something for me which could quite possibly be the best Valentine's Day present ever. Something so much more thoughtful than flowers, or chocolate (Not that I don't love both) ... something I don't know that I'll ever be able to say thank you for. I just hope he knows how much it means to me.

I couldn't help but feel completely head over heels today.. I actually felt happy.... like the luckiest girl in the world.

I got to spend the morning before work with my little babe. If there's anyone in the world who has taught me about love, it is that little boy. I didn't know love until I met him... I didn't know that a person could love someone the way that I love him.... and I find new reasons to fall even more in love with him every single day.

He gives me strength I don't have on my own. He saved me. I know that seems so selfish maybe to say about a 3 year old but I can't explain the way he's healed my heart.

He told me Happy Valentines Day today at least 900 times. And you know what?? It never got old... I could have heard it 900 more.

Just when I thought my day couldn't get anymore perfect... he showed up to my work with flowers for me. And I'm not going to lie... like a big old baby I cried my eyes out. I can't even begin to tell you how adorable it is for a little 3 year old to come running up to you holding a bouquet of flowers he picked out just for you. How does a little man like that have the world's biggest heart??? I'm the LUCKIEST momma in the world.

Welp...I don't want to get that ridiculous about all the mushy stuff..

Love who you love everyone... and say that you do. Today isn't just about relationships.... it's about remembering to tell the people that you love, that you love them. Don't assume that people in your life know how you feel. That's the biggest mistake you could ever make.

Happy Valentines Day everyone!!!!!!!

Me: 1 Meathead: 0

I'm not going to lie, I'm no good when my schedule gets interrupted. When I get my mind made up, that is just what it is. Made up. I can handle minor hiccups. My stalker being at my gym though is not a minor hiccup. This is a complete disruption of my day and he must die. (No I'm just kidding, I don't actually wish him death)

Anyone smart would do the smart thing and just change gyms, but lets just say at this point it's become... survival of the fittest. You can cut the tension with a knife.. and.... if looks could kill, we're playing Russian Roulette.

The good news is, I immediately become so much more athletic when he's stepped into the room. Like "yeah you big stupid meat head.. you can't run!" And I amp up the speed on the treadmill. Literally attempting to kill myself.

Where one meat head goes, the rest will follow.

This is completely true. They congregate to each other. Like there's something to be said for them standing there comparing their juice induced muscles. Look at how much I can squat.. my roids are better than yours. I think they'd start peeing on the work out equipment if they could.

Well... completely irritated that he interrupted my workout, for the 2nd time this week, I decided to do the completely mature thing and pick the machine right next to him and his shoulder workout. I have NEVER used this machine... ever. Thank the good lord for the little pictures.... like paint by numbers. I had a point to prove, and apparently that was that I was going to make his life as miserable as possible.

Let me also just insert here that he makes the most ridiculous work-out faces EVER. Apparently he never looks in the mirror while lifting. I think he should. He looks like a constipated pug. Scrunched nose and everything. And... had I not been so focused on shoulder pressing 40 more pounds than I'm physically capable of.. I probably would have done the next mature thing and copied each face in strategic - "you look like a complete idiot" order.

I guess I made him uncomfortable enough, he flexed all the way into the free weight room, and me.. feeling completely accomplished gathered my smart water, waved goodbye to the rest of the sausage fest... and left.

I can't wait for tomorrow when I can't turn my head.

Me: 1 Meat Head: 0

What goes up must come down

I never sleep. It's always toss and turn, wake up 9000 times... lay there for a couple of hours... stare at the clocking ticking away. Thinking there are a hundred things I could be doing instead of wasting my night doing flip flops in my bed.

My mind runs a million miles a minute. Like when I lay down I actually have time to think about everything going on in my life... so that seems to be all I do. Lay there an obsess about everything happening.

Any sleep I do get is always artificial. It always comes from Tylenol pm, and even then it's minimal.

I had set my alarm for 5 am. I decided to get back on the morning gym band wagon. I worked out hard last night so I felt motivated to get my butt back in gear.

Well.

I woke up this morning and my first thought was... well.. it's obviously way too damn bright right now to be 5 am. And then I had that moment of panic where I was like.. "CRAP!! IT'S WAY TOO DAMN BRIGHT RIGHT NOW TO BE 5 AM!!!!!!! Where's my phone?!?!?!.. It's obviously not 5am .... and I'm obviously late for work!!

So I threw myself half conscious and half dressed out of bed. I literally tripped over a high heel which sent me flying across the room onto the floor. It was so Ninja that I actually managed to end up the opposite direction of which I first started.. I laid there, staring at the ceiling... thinking...

"Yup... too bright to be 5 am."

Well... needless to say, the way you start the day is the way you end the day...

It has been a freaking emotional roller coaster today. I want to be strong. I want to work through it all... I don't want to be the dumb girl that's always complaining but I can say tonight, It all hit the surface.

The one thing I learned today is that even at 25, mommas still give the best hugs. And there's something about her saying it's going to be OK that I believe beyond anything else in the world.

I have a lot of things going on.. a lot of big life decisions that I need to make for me and my baby and it's scary. It's scary when you don't have anyone else helping you make those decisions and you know that you are making decisions that are going to affect someone that can't make them for himself.

I need some serious inspiration. Some clear road...

"Goodbye!" - And don't let the door hit you on the way out

I've been in a little bit of a ... rut. A rut in my personal life, my work life.... a rut in working out.. in everything. Just blah.

Then... yesterday someone showed their ugly little face back in my life and it sent me into a complete tail spin. I completely panicked.

One thing I've learned? That I have to stay on top of it... on top of me I guess because it makes it a lot easier to shut that nasty little door if I am.

So I decided today that I was going to stop complaining about this rut I'm in and pull it back together, because the only one who is going to pull me out of this is me.

When your laundry pile is taller than you... It is time to actually do it.

I have been washing, drying, folding, hanging, and...... swearing... all day long.

I finally got my car cleaned out... from everything that was birthday in it. Well.. birthday or Charity project. Small stuffed animals and matchbox cars had taken over the front seat... the back seat.. and were creeping their way into the trunk. They probably would have made it in the trunk but my trunk was full of serving platters, candy jars... and everything else I haven't wanted to take care of.

I had to make a trip to the storage unit to put everything back in their dusty boxes. (Which is probably 99% of the reason I haven't done it) It is ALWAYS painful going there. I see everything I own covered in a layer of dust and it breaks my heart. This completely awful reminder that my whole life was put on hold for someone else... and that it's just sitting there.

I got my oil changed today. My car really appreciates that I think. It probably would have appreciated it about 10,000 miles ago.

Aiden got his hair cut so now he doesn't look homeless anymore. He wouldn't let her take any of the hair off the top of his head. Hahaha he wasn't falling for the high and tight... wanted it to look like a dinosaur. I guess mission accomplished.

I registered him for spring T-ball and soccer ... and registered him for his British summer soccer clinic. He couldn't be more thrilled. I'm broke... but he's smiling, and now this is all I'm going to hear about for the next 2 months. SOMEHOW I volunteered to coach. Oh momma....

I guess the good thing about coaching 4 year olds is that you're just trying to get them to hit the ball and run the bases, or to stick with one direction and try to make it into the goal. Oh and provide a snack at the end of games. My life just got a whole lot busier.

I made some gluten free pasta tonight. It didn't suck. Actually I assumed that it would taste like I was eating cardboard, but I guess if you put enough sauce on glorified rice noodles.. it isn't too bad.

Well I am off to the gym. I need to go and work my booty off. Get back on track. Sweat... a lot.

Happiness means never having to apologize for being me

Normally I blog late at night after my baby has gone to bed.. and it's quiet.. and I'm completely exhausted.. and left alone with my thoughts of the day.

Well.. I don't think that my thoughts ever really stopped last night, actually I don't think I really slept at all so I'm blogging now to get the rest of the overflow of emotions out so I can put it behind me and move on with this day.

I thought that I was going to wake up - make a fruit smoothie - throw some work outs on On Demand and get my butt back in gear.

The alarm went off and I felt like I had JUST closed my eyes. My baby threw on the T.V... and apparently last time that thing was on I must have been watching Hoarders on TLC or something because 19 Kids and Counting came on. Let me tell you the 2 ways to make it a bad morning. Well.... no....... just one way.. 19 Kids and Counting. I grabbed the remote to make Michelle Duggar shut the eff up but no matter how hard I hit the magical little red button to make it stop, it wouldn't. Batteries dead? I don't know.. I understand technology to about the same extent as I understand brain surgery. I don't do either.

I dragged my butt out of bed to turn off the TV and thought "Welp, I made it this far.. might as well keep going."

I threw on a sports bra, made me and Aiden fruit smoothies... threw on On Demand...

I made it through the first squat in my "Glute Grind" and then spent the rest of the 25 minutes sitting on the floor, hair on top of my head, fruit smoothie in hand......

One of us has better gluteus today.... well honey it aint me.

I am seriously lacking some motivation.

But.. I also woke up to a few things that sort of turned it around. (Minus my gluteus, I can't get that 25 minutes back) First of all, the NICEST people on Youtube ever. That sounds dumb but I woke up to some of the sweetest comments from complete strangers on what's really an awfully done video of me singing so, so and trying my best to play the guitar. Someone told me today that I've inspired them to learn how to play. WHAT!? I can't even play it. You miss are heaven sent. That was so incredibly sweet.

I woke up to some sweet messages and comments on Facebook.. one particularly that put it into perspective for me. I feel so blessed to have people around to kick my butt back in gear when I lose sight of the things in front of me.

It always blows me away.. for all the people who try to tear you down, how many there are around you who love and care about you who just want to see you move forward too.

I read another friend's blog today which was sort of interesting because it basically was focused on all the good things in his life right now. I try to do that in my life but I definitely could work on it. It's not that I don't know that I'm blessed.. because I am so grateful for everything I have.

So basically I just need to buck up and pull it back together. The one thing that I refuse to do is to look back... especially at an incredibly harmful past.

So... I'm going to hop in the shower - after my incredibly tense......... squat. Get ready for work.. and smile.

I may not be everyone's cup of tea.. but I think happiness is never having to apologize for just being me. And the right person will give me that.

I hope everyone has an amazing Tuesday ;)

Raw

Today was such a weird.. emotional day.

I had someone say some of the meanest things to me this morning. Normally.. I can brush them off, laugh about it.. move on.

I guess on an already sort of self conscious day it just kind of stuck.

It's funny.. I feel like for the first time in years I'm on the way back to myself. That I actually feel like myself again. Then someone says it's wrong and it left me upset and so confused.

If who I was before wasn't good enough, and being this person isn't either.. then who am I supposed to be?

I don't want to apologize for who I am. I know that I'm not perfect. I know that I don't have it all together. I know that I say dumb things and make an idiot out of myself all the time.

I say things that I shouldn't maybe.. and I need to work on my filter system because to be completely honest I just don't have one. I don't mean to hurt people by saying the things that I do. I don't say things to be harsh... just to be open and honest and communicate what I'm feeling. I guess I'd rather let people know exactly where I stand then ever have to wonder the way I feel about something.

I'm in such a weird transitional period. Ahhg.

I feel a little lost today to be honest. There are so many things going on in my life that are at a crossroads I guess. And I don't know which path to choose.

I am mortified to make the wrong decision because I've done that so many times before.. and I feel like I simply don't have the time or energy for that anymore.

Weird.

Ready to leave my past behind.. but scared to move forward. Stuck. Not scared because I don't want something new...scared because it terrifies me to not be in the place that I'm supposed to be anymore. To pick the wrong road.

Also this new gluten free lifestyle has the potential to kill my soul. I hate not being in control. I hate not knowing. I like things ... well just the way I like them. And I hate when that changes. I hate reading labels. I hate having to look at the back of every box I pick up. I hate not knowing what things are. I know that I'll get there. I know that one day it's just going to be second nature and I won't even have to think about it.. but I wish that was now. I'm so frustrated.

I feel better. My stomach has been a lot less angry at me this last week.. which is amazing. You wouldn't think that having stomach problems would be such a big deal... but it seriously puts your life on hold... it's just a mess. I'm still getting hives. I want them to go away.. and I sort of thought that once I stopped eating gluten I would finally be able to kick these few extra pounds that have made their way into my life... but I haven't. What am I doing wrong?

I decided that because I was having such a hard day that it was the perfect day for me and Aiden to go and start our shopping for Primary Children's hospital. That helped. Seeing how excited he was to be buying things for sick little kids. He told the cashier that he was going to make all the sick kids smile. So we loaded up the car with Hotwheels cars and stuffed animals.

The one things that remains the same... he's my little hero. There's more strength in that little 3 year old soul that in anyone I've ever met. I'm learning those are the things you hold onto. When nothing else in the world makes sense (especially food labels) you always have that.

I've always been a little rough around the edges

Doesn't it seem like every time you figure out your "life lesson"... God is like "Nope!" And throws you another curve ball? Sometimes I think God must have some crazy sense of humor. And me?? Im playing the starring role in said comedy.

There are days I actually feel like I could be on a reality show... because half this sh*t doesn't actually happen to people.

On a side note, I have a real question. Do you believe in fate??

It's something that I've been thinking about for awhile now.

Do we have some pre-deterined destiny that we're all in search of?

I never thought I did.. never thought I believed in fate I mean. I thought that I believed in opportunity.. and maybe in a little bit of dumb luck..

but what do you call it when you meet someone you feel like you've known for a million years? Someone that seems to get you.. without really knowing you at all? Someone you can't see your life without? Someone who you feel like instantly becomes your best friend.. and makes you smile on even the bad days?

Is that fate?

Luck?

Opportunity?

Is there such a thing as having a soul mate? It's funny because at one point I believed in this.

"Soul mates."

Good Lord doesn't that just sound like 17 year old ~ first love .. mushy .......... BS?

Obviously I thought there was some truth to it at one point because well.. I was going to do it.

Get married. Jump. Take the leap. Sign away my life. You know.. all those blissful white picket fence things you do when you're in love to a complete and utter as*hole?

Well. I'm the dumb girl in that story. Fell for the wrong guy.. trusted the wrong guy.... and then was the one picking up the pieces.

But what if I just missed the mark? Or it was only leading me to something real. Something that I hadn't found before? Something that none of that could even touch? Come even close to?

It's funny when you look at life and all the people in it. If I was to give you an example of 2 people who got it right... it would be my parents.

Those 2.. they make love seem so easy.

They're working on 40 years, and not only do they love each other unconditionally.. they'd be lost without each other.

I don't know if I should say this because it might embarrass him.... well never mind my dad doesn't read my dumb blog anyway lol...

...not too long ago I was talking to my dad. I had asked him about my mom and about how he knew that she was the one. He was telling me all about Hawaii and them meeting and the summer they spent together there.

He had sort of been seeing this other girl back home at the time, and he told me all about my momma and about this other girl back home and how she was sort of waiting for him and how she was beautiful...

and then he said "but your mom.... (and he started to cry)

just nothing could have ever compared to her. Nothing."

My dad is from Utah, my mom had moved here after my grandfather was stationed at Hill.

At the time my dad was in Hawaii in the service, and my mom had gone there to spend the summer with a family friend.

They traveled what.. almost 3000 miles to find each other at church?

Fate?

Another example.. My baby. He was completely unplanned. I was completely unprepared to have him... an at the time it seemed like that scariest thing I had ever done.

But... almost exactly 1 year after almost dying in the hospital, in that very same hospital I brought my baby into the world.. just down the hallway. And you know what? He saved my life.

----> insert tissue box here I'm crying my freaking eyes out.

Fate?

I'm a fighter... I think. I like to tell myself that at least. I try to be. I hate the feeling of giving up. Actually, at times it's been bad because I couldn't let go when I should have. I held on for way too long... but how do you let go when you finally found the one thing in the world that makes sense?

Anyway this probably sounds like a lot of mumbo-jumbo and gibberish... just thought I'd get it out. It's been weighing on my mind all day.

Now I have to go hunt ghosts.

Last one.. I promise

I'm sure that at some point you all are going to get completely tired of hearing about my new gluten-free life style. Actually I'm sure that you are since even I feel like that's the only thing that I've talked about for 3 days straight now... And I actually like the sound of my own voice.... most people don't ;) lol.

Well I promise this is the last blog where I write about it all for while.

Today was a really good day. I had more tests done today, and met with a nutritionist. They were for the first time in .. a couple of years now, conclusive.

So I'm writing this because I actually feel... OK. Talking with her calmed my nerves so much. The tests she did basically proved that my body is completely and utterly out of whack right now. I'm on like over drive because my body is so confused and so unable to handle everything going on.

It was nice to talk to someone who listened. Someone who had some answers. Someone who let me be completely candid and probably make a fool out of myself in the way I normally do. Talking to her was easy. I had a lot of questions for her. A LOT. My biggest concern.. my baby. Is this new life style OK for him? Is it OK to remove gluten completely from his diet too?? Is it safe? Is it healthy for a kid who already burns off everything he eats... or a kid that's typically under weight for his age?

Actually I'm kind of excited. She told me that it's actually one of the best things that I can do for a super active little kid. That removing these things now eliminates a lot of future problems that can arise. I'm already sort of a strict mom as far as his diet goes. I limit sugar intake as much as possible (minus candy... I need to get a hold of his candy addiction) and he only drinks water, no soda... so the opportunity to do something even better for him is exciting.

One of my friends today said that he was gluten free until he was 18 because of his father's allergy to it. He said that his friends always thought his mom's cooking was amazing.. and I thought.. I can do that. I can do this. You have to learn how to cook different.. but that doesn't mean it has to suck. Actually this was one of the most comforting comments of the day because I feel like I'm baking or cooking something all the time, and I don't want that to change.

Actually it's something that me and my baby do all the time together.

I still have hives :( I know that they'll go away. I know that it's going to take some time... it's not going to be an instant fix. I just wish it was.

I went to Whole Foods today to check out their gluten free stuff. Kind of cool that there's so much out there actually. I'm on a mission to learn all the things in the regular grocery store that I can eat without having to go to specialty stores all the time.. eh gives me something to do :)

Well much love everyone, thanks again for all the advice, love and support!