What goes up must come down

I never sleep. It's always toss and turn, wake up 9000 times... lay there for a couple of hours... stare at the clocking ticking away. Thinking there are a hundred things I could be doing instead of wasting my night doing flip flops in my bed.

My mind runs a million miles a minute. Like when I lay down I actually have time to think about everything going on in my life... so that seems to be all I do. Lay there an obsess about everything happening.

Any sleep I do get is always artificial. It always comes from Tylenol pm, and even then it's minimal.

I had set my alarm for 5 am. I decided to get back on the morning gym band wagon. I worked out hard last night so I felt motivated to get my butt back in gear.

Well.

I woke up this morning and my first thought was... well.. it's obviously way too damn bright right now to be 5 am. And then I had that moment of panic where I was like.. "CRAP!! IT'S WAY TOO DAMN BRIGHT RIGHT NOW TO BE 5 AM!!!!!!! Where's my phone?!?!?!.. It's obviously not 5am .... and I'm obviously late for work!!

So I threw myself half conscious and half dressed out of bed. I literally tripped over a high heel which sent me flying across the room onto the floor. It was so Ninja that I actually managed to end up the opposite direction of which I first started.. I laid there, staring at the ceiling... thinking...

"Yup... too bright to be 5 am."

Well... needless to say, the way you start the day is the way you end the day...

It has been a freaking emotional roller coaster today. I want to be strong. I want to work through it all... I don't want to be the dumb girl that's always complaining but I can say tonight, It all hit the surface.

The one thing I learned today is that even at 25, mommas still give the best hugs. And there's something about her saying it's going to be OK that I believe beyond anything else in the world.

I have a lot of things going on.. a lot of big life decisions that I need to make for me and my baby and it's scary. It's scary when you don't have anyone else helping you make those decisions and you know that you are making decisions that are going to affect someone that can't make them for himself.

I need some serious inspiration. Some clear road...