"Fly away my little bird.. go and tell the world"'

There's very few moments in life that change the course of ourselves... I mean actually really change you. Those pivotal moments that stop you, shake you, that make you question everything you are. Those moments that take your breath way, but not the incredible "wow" moments.. I mean the heart wrenching, train sitting on your chest.. "God, just please let me breath!!!" moments.

Sometimes, when you sit really quiet.. and all that's left is the own discouraging thoughts in your head you find that you aren't as strong as everyone thinks you are. You aren't as put together, polished.

No...

Damn it. In fact you're a complete. Freaking. Mess.

I feel like these moments should be few and far between, but I'm not talking about the "I'd rather sit in my sweats all day and Pinterest my entire life into a beautiful board that makes me look crafty.. I mean the ones that break your heart so deeply that you aren't sure you'll ever be the same.

 They make you so aware of everything. Every person, every crack... every wrinkle. They show you pain and intolerance. They show you tears... but not those stupid fake tears you let fall for some guy who "broke your heart" once .. I'm talking about the ones so heavy that no one could ever possibly understand that they carry the weight of the whole entire world in them.

The ones that break only when they hit the floor after falling into your eyes, across your cheek... onto your arm. The ones that fall down your nose and onto your chest and just sit there like they're waiting to be brushed away just like you are.

Normally, these tears are mine. And mine alone. Tonight however, sitting in my parents kitchen.. crying with my dad about things we cannot change I realized how desperately we were crying the same tears.

There's something life altering about your hero crying that way. I felt every tear of his rolling down my back while his broken words told me how sorry he was that he couldn't take away my pain or give me a body that wanted to just be strong... and I don't want to be a burden, not to him.

A few years ago, while I was lying in a hospital bed my dad broke down and he started yelling for me to get up.. to just get up and walk. That I had to get up and walk because if I didn't I was going to die in that bed. I remember the fear and the pain in his eyes knowing that I couldn't. That it didn't matter. That no amount of yelling at me.. or my body.. or a doctor was going to make a damn difference.. and I felt that tonight.

He apologized for not being strong enough to know how to make it better.. just tears.

I don't know what to do with the weight of the world right now.. If I could tie it all to a string and sit in a Cherry Tree I would. I'd let it dangle in the sun. And I'd fly away.

Dear Jon,

This has been the strangest week for me..

One of the saddest and happiest weeks I've ever experienced. My Tawni babes is getting married today to the love of her life and I could not be happier for her, but you went away and I'm still trying to figure out how to say goodbye.

Spending the last little while with you taught me so many things about life and love and family and friendship. It brought me back to a really.. scary and humble place in my heart that I haven't visited for a long time.

You taught me hope. You also taught me to get my damn life back into perspective. There was once a time when I knew all about the place that you were. Being in a hospital, trying to hold hope but knowing maybe that didn't make sense.

Thank you for the last few months. I will forever hold in my heart you telling me that you weren't scared.. because I was. You never stopped smiling.

Right before you left the whole world was so peaceful. You were peaceful. Someone came and cleansed the room, and us, and shortly after everything went quiet and you left us.

Thank you for the last hug you gave me. Thank you for all of it. For every minute I would never trade for anything.

I saw Shauna this morning, she looked beautiful... like she always does, everything about her is beautiful, most of all her heart.

I thought I was doing ok today.. and then I cut up a cucumber this morning and I fell apart. Completely apart. The water works.. all of it. I was holding a knife so I set that down, you and I both know that cucumbers shouldn't make anyone cry. Ever.

I've had this internal struggle for days now about not being able to be there for you today, and for Shauna. Life has funny timing sometimes. I want you to know that even though I can't be there for your party.... I'm thinking about you and love and miss you so damn much.

I didn't know what to do.. but I think you and I had our goodbyes. It's a really beautiful thing that the last thing you said to me was "I love you so much Liz".. and I got to say it back. I think that was a really incredible memory to leave behind for both of us.

I have to give Tawni away today... funny thing is I don't think I'm ready for that either.. but I hope you understand. Please know I would give the world to be with you today.. and really I am. She just needs a lot of love today too, and I don't want to miss holding her hand when it matters either... I hope I held your hand when it mattered the most to you.

High five God for me today... or something crazy. Just no rap songs in heaven ;)

I love you, forever and always Jon
Walk with God.

Bruises

When I was little.... cuts and bruises were a sign of adolescence, of our ignorance... of freedom. We might have feared something, but we'd never let each other know that. Cuts were cool... but most importantly, the bruises got the boys ;)

In my early 20's (how painful it is that I can refer to them as the "early 20's") bruises came from the hands of a man who used fear to use me. Bruises became.... cliche... covered up by clothes, covered up by make-up.... covered up by lies. Bruises became a sign of my weakness. Something I used to wear as a badge of honor when I was young... even when I was a teenager had turned into silence. I lived with bruises in quiet.

I didn't boast.

I didn't show them off.

As much time as I spent hiding them from everyone, I spent hiding them from myself.

When I became a mommy of a little guy.. bruises became a way of life. Bruises turned into hugs, and kisses on scrapped knees...

Today I realized the impact of bruises on the heart.

I guess it's hard to explain that... and if I tried, for all the many reasons I'm feeling this way, this blog would be a novel.

I sat there today... staring at my phone. I literally watched the time count down to the moment I could get my little guy. I don't think I've ever been so determined to see him in my life.

I went plowing through the day care like a bull in a china shop...... the second I saw him, tears pouring down his face.

I wanted to be strong. I wanted to pretend that my heart didn't hurt... that I was ok. Instead a million bad decisions just ran down my face. I realized my whole entire world was hurting, and I couldn't hold it back. No matter how I wanted to.

Part of me just wanted to tell him it was going to be ok.. but I didn't even have the words to lie. I realized how insane I must have looked standing in the middle of legos.... crying.

I need some inspiration.

A Baby Changes Everything

Out of all of the things in my life I'm so insanely blessed with and grateful for, my baby is my greatest blessing.. and greatest accomplishment. 

I know that everyone says they have the most incredible kid(s) in the world... maybe it's because we're already pre-designed as parents to think that our children are perfection, but I'm truly so blessed to have the son I do. 

He means more to me than I could ever put into words, or express.

It's funny I never really wrote about my labor and delivery because it was such an overwhelmingly emotional experience. Bringing him into this world. 

I didn't really go about it the "traditional" way. In fact.. being honest.. there was a lot of people who were mad. A lot of people who looked down on me for my "mistake." Who judged me. 

But what most of "them" didn't know... was that this "mistake" I made would end up saving my life. That my "mistake" would end up being my whole entire world. 

It's never been easy. From day 1. In fact it's been incredibly hard, and at times incredibly lonely. 

I never went to any birthing classes.. I didn't read any books. I didn't spend my nights looking up symptoms on Web MD... or any of it really. 

I didn't want to sit in a class by myself. Watching all these husbands and wives go through it together. Since day 1 it's just been me and my little guy.. so I figured we'd just figure it out together. Whatever that meant. 

Actually.... the only thing I ever read... or held on to for whatever reason was that when you deliver, you want to hear your baby cry. That it meant he was getting air and breathing on his own. 

I remember that's all I could think about. The second I had him.. with all the chaos, it's like everything around us fell quiet and I just thought "Cry. Please just cry.... please."

It's funny... after months and months and months of wishing tears would just go away... I was praying with everything inside of me.... with everything I had, to hear that little boy just cry. 

They handed him to me and... I don't know. I guess if you've never been through it there's not a great way to explain that emotion. It's like...... I had spent months knowing that this was going to change my entire life... but holding him changed me. 

I cut his umbilical cord.. they took him to clean him up and I just remember I just wanted him back. I just wanted to hold him. 

It's strange. I've never been more at peace... ever than I was in that moment. He was here. We did it. We did it together. Me and him. 

That's how it's always been. Me and him. 

He's only 4 but he's my hero. 

There's been so many times that I thought it was all falling apart, and without even knowing it, he's kept it all together. 

He could put a smile on even the worst of broken hearts. And he has a heart that I only wish I could have. 

I don't know how I ended up with him... but I know I'll spend every day thanking God that he's mine. 

Chocolate Covered Lies

I used to think that the hardest thing ever was someone ... "him" not loving me the way I wanted. It turns out... it's someone loving me exactly the way I always wanted "him" to.

There was some point today that I realized letting go of the past meant I had to take a step forward... or a step at all. I haven't done that in awhile. I've been so stagnant. Actually... I didn't even mean to take a step forward. I absolutely without a doubt launched myself into it... I just did it.. and I can honestly say I don't think I've ever been so terrified in my whole entire life. It just happened. AND if I told you what it was that was such a HUGE step.. you'd be embarrassed and confused for me. SO just know I did something I haven't done... in a very, very long time. I can't even remember how long.. and I meant it. I whole heartedly meant it. That's what's absolutely crazy.

I like my comfortable little bubble. I like the things inside of it. I like them the same. I don't like them to change. I feel safe that way. I feel safe knowing that the things and people around me are there and will stay there. I guess that's why I never saw much sense in having a million friends... or winning some popularity contest. At the end of the day it's the people you can cry with that stay. The people you can tell your secrets to. The ones that see you on the bad days... ya know??

In fact. I've never met a person who thought I was perfect, who stayed around long enough to find out that I wasn't.... or who bothered to stay around very long after they figured it out.

I'm so abrasive. Is that the right word? I don't know. I don't like sugar coating things because what is a chocolate covered lie??? It hurts worse when you realize you were fooled into it all looking pretty.

Anyway does that sound like useless mumbo jumbo?? I promise it's not. In fact I have several people in my life very close to me who are going through (for lack of a better generic word) breakups. And without grave details... not very pleasant ones.

I found myself today texting.. talking.. calling.. all of them. Like word vomit. Like I'm some great expert on "relationship advice." Like the unemotionally available girl can talk someone through a heartbreak. I found myself saying all the things that I HATED when people used to say to me...

The "It will be okays"... the "You're better off without her"... the "I know this sucks now, I've been there too.."

Does that really help anyone?? I don't know. Hopefully it's not the lack of words that I had but that I honestly, truly, sincerely care about these people. I've honestly been there. I've cried. Screamed. Yelled. All of it. Don't you just wish you could shake it out of them...? Lord don't I just wish someone could have just shaken it out of me SO much sooner. I guess everyone comes to it in their own time. I just hate knowing the pain they're in and not being able to do a damn thing about it except tell them that it won't hurt forever.

Here's the thing though, It won't. As dumb and cliche and ... hypocritical as that sounds. It doesn't last forever. I know... because one day there will be someone... who changes your whole life. Who takes every bad day away, and makes you smile again. Who... scares the hell out of you because for the first time... you remember what it's like to be scared you were going to lose something you don't ever want to let go of.

Soon the wounds will be scars. You won't forget them.. they'll only help you grow, and rather than building walls to keep them out.. you'll pray to God they knock them down.

Begin Again

I've always been a sporadic journal writer.... I think I've probably started 19 different journals.. and they always come from some big event, or big loss in my life where I wrote thinking that it would help me either remember... or forget.

I love going back and reading them though. It's so interesting to go back on the same day and see where I am verses where I was. Today was particularly interesting and therapeutic.

2 years ago today I should have been freaking out... trying to make sure every last detail was perfect. I should have been with all my best girlfriends.. getting my nails done... being loud and ridiculous and spending my last night of "freedom" not sleeping.

I thought I'd lay in bed all night, tossing and turning. Telling myself to go to bed... but really in the back of my mind praying to God I didn't pass out walking down the isle... or cry too much... or forget my vows... or trip and fall on my face.

I thought I'd be happy.

Instead, 2 years ago today I was writing about how I didn't understand how it all fell apart. I was crying... there's all these water marks still on the page from the tears falling. I wrote about missing him and being so, so mad at him.

     "I don't want it to be this way, how long is it going to feel so damn lonely?!"

I remember putting on this tough face. Like a duck. ........ Calm on top but paddling like hell underneath. Just praying that I would make it through that weekend and be able to let it all go.

It was really emotional reading it again, but in the same respect It's crazy to remind myself how far I've come.

I'd honestly never take back the things that happened. I needed to grow up. I needed to find myself before trying to be with someone, especially someone who didn't really know himself either.

I look at my life, my baby.. my friends.. all of it and I feel so insanely blessed.

There was a time that I thought it would never end. That it was going to be some big dark hole forever. That it would always hurt. That I'd always be angry.

I don't feel like that anymore.

It took me a long time.... well, a REALLY long time to filter through all the motions. And it was a hard and long path to realize that maybe what I thought I needed wasn't really at all where I was supposed to be.

There's no guarantees in life ... and I feel like life was patiently waiting for me this whole time. Like everything that happened up to this point was grooming me for the path I was really supposed to be on, with the person I was really supposed to be on it with.

I feel surrounded by the most incredible people. I feel so much happiness... and I've never been more excited to start a real future, for the first time.

There's a million things I'm thankful for. Today, most of all I'm thankful for peace of mind and an open heart.

"Bone Suckin' Good"

Most reasonable people aren't blogging at 4:00 am...

Could be that I have a headache the size of Texas... or that nothing I own goes with shiner?? That's right... I look like I was hit in the face by a drunk guy.

Oh wait. That's right.

 I was.

In his defense... it wasn't exactly his fault... he was Aiming 3 feet to the left and my face got in the way.

Of his fist.

I decided tonight I can sleep when I'm dead. I can't tell if I'm coming or going lately. Have you ever felt like you're traveling a million miles a minute when all you want to do is stand still.... but when you stand still, you just want to start running???

Side note... My duke sleeps NEXT to his bed. Not on it. I want the life of a dog. When sleeping on the floor instead of your $60.00 dog pillow is your life... and your biggest worry. It's the damnedest thing.

He thinks I look strange with ice on my face.

He also thinks it's strange that we're blogging at 4:00 am... but he's excited about it right now.

On a happy note... I am full force in planning my birthday day party. Does that seem ridiculous that it's still 2 months away and I'm already planning it?? Either way it's going to be amazing. I get to spend this birthday celebrating with one of the most amazing girls ever.

AND I already have a dress!!! Is that even real right now!?!?!?

Last year I literally was so consumed in decorating, planning, baking.... that I ran home, grabbed the first thing I saw.... and arrived late to my own party like..

"Hey girl!!"....

Lord. This year it will be different. Thank goodness I'm in the very trustworthy hands of Naomi who is going to help me pull this year off without a hitch... and hopefully without snow. I'd like to point out that there was no snow last year... except for the night of my cocktail party.... We could maybe work on that God.

Gold's gym is open 24 hours.. and I'm using my face as an excuse for why I'm not going right now... uhg. That seems unreasonable.

Bone suckin' good.