A Baby Changes Everything

Out of all of the things in my life I'm so insanely blessed with and grateful for, my baby is my greatest blessing.. and greatest accomplishment. 

I know that everyone says they have the most incredible kid(s) in the world... maybe it's because we're already pre-designed as parents to think that our children are perfection, but I'm truly so blessed to have the son I do. 

He means more to me than I could ever put into words, or express.

It's funny I never really wrote about my labor and delivery because it was such an overwhelmingly emotional experience. Bringing him into this world. 

I didn't really go about it the "traditional" way. In fact.. being honest.. there was a lot of people who were mad. A lot of people who looked down on me for my "mistake." Who judged me. 

But what most of "them" didn't know... was that this "mistake" I made would end up saving my life. That my "mistake" would end up being my whole entire world. 

It's never been easy. From day 1. In fact it's been incredibly hard, and at times incredibly lonely. 

I never went to any birthing classes.. I didn't read any books. I didn't spend my nights looking up symptoms on Web MD... or any of it really. 

I didn't want to sit in a class by myself. Watching all these husbands and wives go through it together. Since day 1 it's just been me and my little guy.. so I figured we'd just figure it out together. Whatever that meant. 

Actually.... the only thing I ever read... or held on to for whatever reason was that when you deliver, you want to hear your baby cry. That it meant he was getting air and breathing on his own. 

I remember that's all I could think about. The second I had him.. with all the chaos, it's like everything around us fell quiet and I just thought "Cry. Please just cry.... please."

It's funny... after months and months and months of wishing tears would just go away... I was praying with everything inside of me.... with everything I had, to hear that little boy just cry. 

They handed him to me and... I don't know. I guess if you've never been through it there's not a great way to explain that emotion. It's like...... I had spent months knowing that this was going to change my entire life... but holding him changed me. 

I cut his umbilical cord.. they took him to clean him up and I just remember I just wanted him back. I just wanted to hold him. 

It's strange. I've never been more at peace... ever than I was in that moment. He was here. We did it. We did it together. Me and him. 

That's how it's always been. Me and him. 

He's only 4 but he's my hero. 

There's been so many times that I thought it was all falling apart, and without even knowing it, he's kept it all together. 

He could put a smile on even the worst of broken hearts. And he has a heart that I only wish I could have. 

I don't know how I ended up with him... but I know I'll spend every day thanking God that he's mine. 

Chocolate Covered Lies

I used to think that the hardest thing ever was someone ... "him" not loving me the way I wanted. It turns out... it's someone loving me exactly the way I always wanted "him" to.

There was some point today that I realized letting go of the past meant I had to take a step forward... or a step at all. I haven't done that in awhile. I've been so stagnant. Actually... I didn't even mean to take a step forward. I absolutely without a doubt launched myself into it... I just did it.. and I can honestly say I don't think I've ever been so terrified in my whole entire life. It just happened. AND if I told you what it was that was such a HUGE step.. you'd be embarrassed and confused for me. SO just know I did something I haven't done... in a very, very long time. I can't even remember how long.. and I meant it. I whole heartedly meant it. That's what's absolutely crazy.

I like my comfortable little bubble. I like the things inside of it. I like them the same. I don't like them to change. I feel safe that way. I feel safe knowing that the things and people around me are there and will stay there. I guess that's why I never saw much sense in having a million friends... or winning some popularity contest. At the end of the day it's the people you can cry with that stay. The people you can tell your secrets to. The ones that see you on the bad days... ya know??

In fact. I've never met a person who thought I was perfect, who stayed around long enough to find out that I wasn't.... or who bothered to stay around very long after they figured it out.

I'm so abrasive. Is that the right word? I don't know. I don't like sugar coating things because what is a chocolate covered lie??? It hurts worse when you realize you were fooled into it all looking pretty.

Anyway does that sound like useless mumbo jumbo?? I promise it's not. In fact I have several people in my life very close to me who are going through (for lack of a better generic word) breakups. And without grave details... not very pleasant ones.

I found myself today texting.. talking.. calling.. all of them. Like word vomit. Like I'm some great expert on "relationship advice." Like the unemotionally available girl can talk someone through a heartbreak. I found myself saying all the things that I HATED when people used to say to me...

The "It will be okays"... the "You're better off without her"... the "I know this sucks now, I've been there too.."

Does that really help anyone?? I don't know. Hopefully it's not the lack of words that I had but that I honestly, truly, sincerely care about these people. I've honestly been there. I've cried. Screamed. Yelled. All of it. Don't you just wish you could shake it out of them...? Lord don't I just wish someone could have just shaken it out of me SO much sooner. I guess everyone comes to it in their own time. I just hate knowing the pain they're in and not being able to do a damn thing about it except tell them that it won't hurt forever.

Here's the thing though, It won't. As dumb and cliche and ... hypocritical as that sounds. It doesn't last forever. I know... because one day there will be someone... who changes your whole life. Who takes every bad day away, and makes you smile again. Who... scares the hell out of you because for the first time... you remember what it's like to be scared you were going to lose something you don't ever want to let go of.

Soon the wounds will be scars. You won't forget them.. they'll only help you grow, and rather than building walls to keep them out.. you'll pray to God they knock them down.

Begin Again

I've always been a sporadic journal writer.... I think I've probably started 19 different journals.. and they always come from some big event, or big loss in my life where I wrote thinking that it would help me either remember... or forget.

I love going back and reading them though. It's so interesting to go back on the same day and see where I am verses where I was. Today was particularly interesting and therapeutic.

2 years ago today I should have been freaking out... trying to make sure every last detail was perfect. I should have been with all my best girlfriends.. getting my nails done... being loud and ridiculous and spending my last night of "freedom" not sleeping.

I thought I'd lay in bed all night, tossing and turning. Telling myself to go to bed... but really in the back of my mind praying to God I didn't pass out walking down the isle... or cry too much... or forget my vows... or trip and fall on my face.

I thought I'd be happy.

Instead, 2 years ago today I was writing about how I didn't understand how it all fell apart. I was crying... there's all these water marks still on the page from the tears falling. I wrote about missing him and being so, so mad at him.

     "I don't want it to be this way, how long is it going to feel so damn lonely?!"

I remember putting on this tough face. Like a duck. ........ Calm on top but paddling like hell underneath. Just praying that I would make it through that weekend and be able to let it all go.

It was really emotional reading it again, but in the same respect It's crazy to remind myself how far I've come.

I'd honestly never take back the things that happened. I needed to grow up. I needed to find myself before trying to be with someone, especially someone who didn't really know himself either.

I look at my life, my baby.. my friends.. all of it and I feel so insanely blessed.

There was a time that I thought it would never end. That it was going to be some big dark hole forever. That it would always hurt. That I'd always be angry.

I don't feel like that anymore.

It took me a long time.... well, a REALLY long time to filter through all the motions. And it was a hard and long path to realize that maybe what I thought I needed wasn't really at all where I was supposed to be.

There's no guarantees in life ... and I feel like life was patiently waiting for me this whole time. Like everything that happened up to this point was grooming me for the path I was really supposed to be on, with the person I was really supposed to be on it with.

I feel surrounded by the most incredible people. I feel so much happiness... and I've never been more excited to start a real future, for the first time.

There's a million things I'm thankful for. Today, most of all I'm thankful for peace of mind and an open heart.

"Bone Suckin' Good"

Most reasonable people aren't blogging at 4:00 am...

Could be that I have a headache the size of Texas... or that nothing I own goes with shiner?? That's right... I look like I was hit in the face by a drunk guy.

Oh wait. That's right.

 I was.

In his defense... it wasn't exactly his fault... he was Aiming 3 feet to the left and my face got in the way.

Of his fist.

I decided tonight I can sleep when I'm dead. I can't tell if I'm coming or going lately. Have you ever felt like you're traveling a million miles a minute when all you want to do is stand still.... but when you stand still, you just want to start running???

Side note... My duke sleeps NEXT to his bed. Not on it. I want the life of a dog. When sleeping on the floor instead of your $60.00 dog pillow is your life... and your biggest worry. It's the damnedest thing.

He thinks I look strange with ice on my face.

He also thinks it's strange that we're blogging at 4:00 am... but he's excited about it right now.

On a happy note... I am full force in planning my birthday day party. Does that seem ridiculous that it's still 2 months away and I'm already planning it?? Either way it's going to be amazing. I get to spend this birthday celebrating with one of the most amazing girls ever.

AND I already have a dress!!! Is that even real right now!?!?!?

Last year I literally was so consumed in decorating, planning, baking.... that I ran home, grabbed the first thing I saw.... and arrived late to my own party like..

"Hey girl!!"....

Lord. This year it will be different. Thank goodness I'm in the very trustworthy hands of Naomi who is going to help me pull this year off without a hitch... and hopefully without snow. I'd like to point out that there was no snow last year... except for the night of my cocktail party.... We could maybe work on that God.

Gold's gym is open 24 hours.. and I'm using my face as an excuse for why I'm not going right now... uhg. That seems unreasonable.

Bone suckin' good.

Thankful for.. (Part two) the friends...

I decided I should probably split this blog up a little bit because it was already getting long winded.. and I know that makes for hard reading. Truly, I just want you all to know how insanely important you are to me..

If there's anything in my life that has pulled me through the tough times (and there's been a lot of those).. it has been my friends. I don't have a million friends. I don't know everyone, I was never one of the popular girls.. and I most certainly am not now hahaha. There's few people in my life that I would consider my true friends... but the friends that I do have are simply incredible... and I want you all to know how much you mean to me.
**(In no particular order)**

Wendi: I have known you for so, so long. You've been my best friend forever. I honestly rarely think of you as a friend and more like a sister. I know that I don't see you enough, talk to you enough... but you and your beautiful little family are always without a doubt on my mind. I am so proud of you. I am so proud of your family. I'm so proud of you and Stuart. I've seen your life play out (as crazy as that is).. We've seen each other through it all. The crazy times.. the bad boyfriends.. all of it. And I am so happy for the life that you have and the woman that you are. Thank you for always being there for me. I love you so much. I am so grateful for your friendship... and I hope you know that no matter what.. no matter how long we go without talking or seeing each other, or how distracted we get by our lives.. you still mean the world to me. I love you!!

Shauntel: I hate that you're gone. I didn't spend enough time with you while you were here and I hate that. You mean the world to me. You're one of the few girls in my life that I hope never ever leave my life. I'm so blessed to know you. To have your friendship. I'm so grateful for all the amazing times we had and I can't wait to have a million more. You're such a strong woman.. I've always looked up to you for that.. and I love you so much.

Danielle: Thank you for being one of the sweetest girls I know. I know I don't see you enough or talk to you enough but I love you and your little family. You all mean so much to me. You have been there through some of the hardest times in my life.. and you, all of you girls stuck with me. I want you to know that you've been one of my best friends and I hope I never lose you. I'm always here. Whether you know it or not, I'm always here.

Kelsey: Who knew that I would find such an amazing friend like you out of the circumstances that I did. You have one of the best hearts of anyone I know. I miss you. I hate that you're so far away. I miss lunches.. and girls nights. I miss laughing with you at the most ridiculous stuff. I hope you know how much I love you and care about you. I know that I don't tell you enough. I'm sorry that I don't... but I want you to know that I'm always thinking about you and Brad and sending you my love all the time. Thank you for everything you've been in my life. For seeing me through all of it. For letting me share some of your best moments with me. You're a truly stunning girl with a stunning heart and I love you.

Jess Lee: You make me laugh. I know I haven't known you for along time but I feel like I've known you forever!! You're one of the most amazing girls I've ever met. You're so fun and goofy and I love that about you. I love that we laugh about things only we can laugh about.. and I don't ever want to lose that. I'm so blessed that you came into my life and for the friendship that we have. I think you're such an amazing girl. You're such an amazing friend.

Tammie: You have one of the best hearts of anyone I've ever met. You're one of the most genuine people I have ever met. You're beautiful and I don't deserve friends like you. You mean so much to me. I hope that you know that. I hope you know how much I love and care about you. Thank you for being in my life. Thank you for everything.

Robby: I almost don't have the right words to tell you what your friendship has meant. You were there through one of the hardest parts in my life.. and you never once told me that it wasn't ok to hurt. I don't know if that makes sense... or if it matters but there has been so many times when you've listened to me cry, and complain... when I think that's all I really needed. Was someone to listen while I tried to figure it all out. Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for everything that you've done.. that honestly I could never say thank you enough for.

Steve: I think you're amazing. I'm so grateful that I had the opportunity to meet you, and that you're a part of my life. I think you're one of the sweetest and most genuine people I've ever met. I think you're the most incredible father.. and I'm so thankful to have you as a part of my life.

Curtis: You truly mean the world to me. You've been such an amazing genuine friend. You make me laugh.. and I feel like I've known you for a million years. I cherish our friendship so much... and ps I'll never look at a chicken the same way again ;). I love talking to you...your amazing advice. Thank you for all the love and support you've shown me. I hope I've been as good of a friend, You mean the world to me.

Naomi: I just simply love you. I love your bright personality. I love talking to you. I think I spend more time with you than anyone else.. I can't wait for our business and this next adventure in our lives. You are truly one of the strongest women that I know. You have overcome so much.. and you've done it with such grace. You're such an amazing and true friend. You're such a beautiful person inside and out.  I couldn't think of anyone else who I'd rather spend... well every day with lol.

Pernell: Thank you for showing me more about my city in 3 months than I've ever known about in my life lol. I'm so grateful that I had the opportunity to meet you, Averell, and Jackie while you were here. I think you all are incredible. I miss you guys so much. I miss losing at poker.. and bad karaoke... and you boys taking me out to see male strippers..........

................

ABDC... and the dolphins in the Great Salt Lake.

Tawni, Talena, Tiffany, CC, Amanda: I know that I haven't known you girls for a very long time.. but to be honest I feel like it's been forever. I have never met a more beautiful group of girls. Thank you so much for your friendship. You all, already truly mean so much to me. I think you are the most incredible mommies ever. You are such strong, stunning women, and I am so grateful to know all of you. Thank you for being so sweet to me and my baby. To be honest... I've always felt a little out of place. I've never really met anyone else who knows what it's like to be a single momma... or to deal with the struggles and heartache of doing it all by yourself. I've never felt like I knew anyone who understood... and to see all of you amazing women who have not only done it.. but do it with such grace is truly an inspiration in my life. I feel so lucky to know all of you.. and I hope you all already know how much you mean to me. Truly.

Jessica, Becki, Jessie: It's been far too long since I've seen you girls. I miss all of you. I think you are all incredible women, and I honestly am so blessed to have you as a part of my life. I know that I don't get to see you very often but I love you girls. I miss spending time with all of you.. but I want you to know that I care about all of you girls. I think you're simply amazing, beautiful woman that I'm lucky to call my friends.

Chase: I don't even know how to begin to thank you for everything you've done. For your friendship and love. There's been so many times I've run to you because I didn't know where else to run. I met you and I felt like I found my best friend. You've been my strength on so many occasions. And you were the one who's taught me never to give up... to keep believing, and to have faith in it all. You've made me laugh, helped me through so much pain. I could never ever thank you enough. Thank you for every smile you've given me.. every time you've made me laugh.. and more than all of that being the most incredible man and father I've ever met. I know I don't always do everything right... but thank you for showing me that being myself is more important than anything else. You mean the world to me.

Anyone else that I may have missed... please know that it isn't that I don't love or care about each and every single one of you. You honestly all mean the world to me. I know that I'm not always the best friend. I know I mess up. I don't call you all or see you enough, but you're always in my heart and in my thoughts. You all mean more to me than I could ever express. I want each and every one of you to know the impact that you've had on my life. I'm so sorry if I haven't told you that I love you.. or if you feel like I haven't been there. I'm always here. I think about you all so often.. and I am so grateful to have you all as apart of my life. I have the most incredible friends in the whole world. I couldn't be more thankful for that.

Thankful for.. Part one (The family.. )

I know that It's November.. and many of you are taking the initiative to write what you're thankful for each day... but I thought that it was easier for me to write a blog..

I normally don't make personal mentions in my blogs, I figure that if it's about you.. or offends you.. you're well aware that the content of the blog was about you anyway.. so I don't really need to blast anyone. However.. I do feel it necessary to make everyone aware of the things in my life that I am so insanely appreciative for.

First and foremost God. I'm not religious.. and I've always believed that it's better to be a good person than a hypocritical Chrisitian.. but there are things in my life that without going into detail, can only be attributed to God. Having faith in that, on whatever level has given my life (especially recently) the direction that it needs. And I am so insanely grateful for that.

Second... My baby. He without any doubt in my mind saved my life. He brought joy back into it. He gives me a new reason every day to laugh.. to love... to be happy. Almost exactly 1 year after being in a hospital where I was told my body was starting to kill itself and I needed my family with me because It was failing rapidly.. I gave birth to the most incredible little guy in the whole world... just down the hallway. I promise you.. there aren't words... and I will never have the words to describe the feeling of hearing him cry for the very first time.. knowing that I was holding the entire world in my arms, after almost losing it all.

He, at 4 years old is everything that I wish I could be. He has the most incredible heart. He loves everything.. and everyone. There's been so many times when it was all falling apart, that he held it together for me. Without even knowing it. He is the love of my life and my greatest accomplishment. And I am so insanely blessed that for whatever reason, God put him in my life and gave me the opportunity to be his momma. There is so greater blessing in this world than that.

Next, is my parents. I have the most incredible parents in the world. I'm lucky. They don't always agree with me.. they think I'm crazy and dramatic and too strong headed I'm sure.. but through it all they've loved me. I've given them heart ache... kept them up at night with my bad decisions.. worried them.. and still they're always here. No matter what.

My parents have been married this year for 40 years. 40!!! And the most incredible thing about them is how after even 40 years they are still completely and madly in love. They'd be lost without each other. That has been one of the greatest examples in my life.

 I was talking to my dad one day after having some break up or bad date or lord knows what... and I was asking him about my mom. (I know I've referenced this before so bare with me) I asked him how he knew it was her. How he knew he was supposed to be with her. And of course, my dad being my dad... gave me some long drawn out story about Hawaii and his days there, and the girls he was dating.. the girls back home.. and then he stopped and said "but your mom....." and he started to cry. Tears filled up his eyes, and ran down his face.. and he said "there was no comparison."

They have held this family together. They have taken on the stress and pain and financial burden and on and on... and I could not be anymore grateful for that.. which leads me to the next thing I'm grateful for.

My sisters. Staci, Lisa, Shannon and Sessie. I promise I could ramble on and on about them. They don't know how much I love them. I know that they don't. I try to tell them.. and show them. I fail miserably., and I'm sorry.. but please know that I love you with everything.

Staci: I'm so grateful for the roll that you and your family has played in my son's life. I would not be able to do this without you. Thank you for all the love you show my little guy. Thank you for helping me raise him. For teaching about all the things I know nothing about. People always say that it takes a Village to raise a child. This could not be anymore true than it is in my life. I simply couldn't do it without you. All the sleepovers, helping me run him around... all of it. I could go on and on. Thank you so much. I love you so much. I appreciate you, so much.

Lisa: You are without a doubt one of the most loving and accepting people I know. I have never once heard you make a judgmental comment.. or be anything but warm and welcoming to every single person. I know you didn't always have the easiest life.. and I often wonder how you can be so incredible with some of the trials you went through just to be yourself.. and you are. You're incredible. I know that I could always run to you. I'm sorry if I don't tell you enough how much I love you.. because you have no idea. You have no idea the way I look up to you. The way I wish I could be like you. Thank you for being such an amazing example of the kind heart I need.

Shannon: I am so grateful for the last few years with you. I feel like we're so a like. I'm so grateful that I've finally got to know you the way I should have always known you. I'm grateful for your friendship. I'm grateful for all the time I've had to spend with you. I feel like we're making up for lost years. I didn't know much about you because you left for the Marines when I was so young but the last few years have meant the world to me. Thank you for always being here for me. Thank you for letting me run to your house when I need to get away.. for everything.

Sessie: It's amazing to think that after spending years and years growing up fighting and trying to kill each other that you'd end up meaning everything to me. You're just my Sessie. You make me laugh.. and the most retarded and ridiculous things. You make me think I'm funny even though I'm not. I don't even know what to say except that I don't know what I'd do without you. I'd probably tell you I love you more but we just laugh like idiots when I talk to you... but if I don't say it enough, I love you more than anything and am so grateful for you.

To all of my amazing nieces: I love you, from the very bottom of my heart. I think you are the most incredible little girls. I am so, so incredibly proud to be your auntie. Please know that I am always here for you. Always. No matter. Your family loves you.... so much. I love you with everything!!

To the rest of my family... It's not that I don't have a million things that I need to say, or that I want to say.. just know how incredibly grateful I am for all of you. I could make this blog go on and on and on with reasons why you all mean so much to me. Please just know that I do. That I think about you all often, and love you all so much. If there's anything that I'm truly grateful for and inspired by, it's my family. I feel like the luckiest girl to have a family that means this much... I love you all!!!!!!!!!

Tallkin' to the wind

He was sitting in the back seat... the most perfect little guy in the whole world. Isn't it funny how when you're little...your world is so small. You've never had your heart broken... not really... you've never worried about when the next paycheck would come... when you'd be able to pay the next bill... or how to buy gas.

You've never sat up at night.. letting all of your disappointments play through your head, over and over again. You've never worried about whether to buy Ramen noodles or pay rent. You don't think twice about the car breaking down... and you've never sat on the side of the road with a flat tire... wondering how the hell you were going to get it fixed... praying to God someone strong enough to get those stupid lug nuts off would just stop long enough to help you... because the 3 good tires you still have can't take anymore kicking.

You've never lost love... because when you're 4 you haven't really found it yet. My son named is chicken "Kelsey" for Christ's sake. (That's right Kelsey Wallace, you have a chicken named after you.)

You've never had a stack of bills in a box you're scared to look at... or a box with bills that you haven't payed.

You don't start your morning with coffee and ibprophen... and then end it with tylenol pm...

and when you're 4 you pray for things like baseball. You pray that your momma will let you play soccer the next day. You pray for candy... and you thank God for Kiki being in the sky.

We were going down the freeway... but it felt like everything was standing still. He was telling me a story about a little girl at the zoo who was sad because she only got one piece of candy, and it wasn't fair because he had a lot..... for whatever reason, in that moment.. that's when it all hit.

The tears started falling out of my eyes like a dam had just let loose. They just kept coming. I don't think I've ever cried so hard in my life. I just sat there. Quiet... the tears falling down my cheeks onto my shirt. I didn't make a sound. I didn't want him to know I was crying. He always says "momma, don't be sad... come here, it's going to be ok... it's going to be ok."

It's not fair for a 4 year old to have to hold your world together for you. And the awful part about it is that it's always just been me and him...so he feels like it's his job. At 4 he feels like he has to take care of me... and I'm supposed to take care of him. How could I let him see me cry? He doesn't understand tears... they aren't the same tears he cries. They don't mean the same thing.

You would think at some point you'd run out of tears... they'd dry up... but I swear as soon as I think there isn't any left to cry... they start falling again.

I get so mad when I'm not strong.. I hate not feeling strong. I hate feeling like it's out of my control. I can't sit by and just live... thinking it will all just work out... and I'm tired. My body is tired. My mind is tired....

It seems selfish and I don't want it to be. Maybe I just need a hug.