He was sitting in the back seat... the most perfect little guy in the whole world. Isn't it funny how when you're little...your world is so small. You've never had your heart broken... not really... you've never worried about when the next paycheck would come... when you'd be able to pay the next bill... or how to buy gas.
You've never sat up at night.. letting all of your disappointments play through your head, over and over again. You've never worried about whether to buy Ramen noodles or pay rent. You don't think twice about the car breaking down... and you've never sat on the side of the road with a flat tire... wondering how the hell you were going to get it fixed... praying to God someone strong enough to get those stupid lug nuts off would just stop long enough to help you... because the 3 good tires you still have can't take anymore kicking.
You've never lost love... because when you're 4 you haven't really found it yet. My son named is chicken "Kelsey" for Christ's sake. (That's right Kelsey Wallace, you have a chicken named after you.)
You've never had a stack of bills in a box you're scared to look at... or a box with bills that you haven't payed.
You don't start your morning with coffee and ibprophen... and then end it with tylenol pm...
and when you're 4 you pray for things like baseball. You pray that your momma will let you play soccer the next day. You pray for candy... and you thank God for Kiki being in the sky.
We were going down the freeway... but it felt like everything was standing still. He was telling me a story about a little girl at the zoo who was sad because she only got one piece of candy, and it wasn't fair because he had a lot..... for whatever reason, in that moment.. that's when it all hit.
The tears started falling out of my eyes like a dam had just let loose. They just kept coming. I don't think I've ever cried so hard in my life. I just sat there. Quiet... the tears falling down my cheeks onto my shirt. I didn't make a sound. I didn't want him to know I was crying. He always says "momma, don't be sad... come here, it's going to be ok... it's going to be ok."
It's not fair for a 4 year old to have to hold your world together for you. And the awful part about it is that it's always just been me and him...so he feels like it's his job. At 4 he feels like he has to take care of me... and I'm supposed to take care of him. How could I let him see me cry? He doesn't understand tears... they aren't the same tears he cries. They don't mean the same thing.
You would think at some point you'd run out of tears... they'd dry up... but I swear as soon as I think there isn't any left to cry... they start falling again.
I get so mad when I'm not strong.. I hate not feeling strong. I hate feeling like it's out of my control. I can't sit by and just live... thinking it will all just work out... and I'm tired. My body is tired. My mind is tired....
It seems selfish and I don't want it to be. Maybe I just need a hug.
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