Begin Again

I've always been a sporadic journal writer.... I think I've probably started 19 different journals.. and they always come from some big event, or big loss in my life where I wrote thinking that it would help me either remember... or forget.

I love going back and reading them though. It's so interesting to go back on the same day and see where I am verses where I was. Today was particularly interesting and therapeutic.

2 years ago today I should have been freaking out... trying to make sure every last detail was perfect. I should have been with all my best girlfriends.. getting my nails done... being loud and ridiculous and spending my last night of "freedom" not sleeping.

I thought I'd lay in bed all night, tossing and turning. Telling myself to go to bed... but really in the back of my mind praying to God I didn't pass out walking down the isle... or cry too much... or forget my vows... or trip and fall on my face.

I thought I'd be happy.

Instead, 2 years ago today I was writing about how I didn't understand how it all fell apart. I was crying... there's all these water marks still on the page from the tears falling. I wrote about missing him and being so, so mad at him.

     "I don't want it to be this way, how long is it going to feel so damn lonely?!"

I remember putting on this tough face. Like a duck. ........ Calm on top but paddling like hell underneath. Just praying that I would make it through that weekend and be able to let it all go.

It was really emotional reading it again, but in the same respect It's crazy to remind myself how far I've come.

I'd honestly never take back the things that happened. I needed to grow up. I needed to find myself before trying to be with someone, especially someone who didn't really know himself either.

I look at my life, my baby.. my friends.. all of it and I feel so insanely blessed.

There was a time that I thought it would never end. That it was going to be some big dark hole forever. That it would always hurt. That I'd always be angry.

I don't feel like that anymore.

It took me a long time.... well, a REALLY long time to filter through all the motions. And it was a hard and long path to realize that maybe what I thought I needed wasn't really at all where I was supposed to be.

There's no guarantees in life ... and I feel like life was patiently waiting for me this whole time. Like everything that happened up to this point was grooming me for the path I was really supposed to be on, with the person I was really supposed to be on it with.

I feel surrounded by the most incredible people. I feel so much happiness... and I've never been more excited to start a real future, for the first time.

There's a million things I'm thankful for. Today, most of all I'm thankful for peace of mind and an open heart.