The first step to ME again

It's hard to feel confident when you don't feel like yourself.. at all. Even remotely.

I look at myself.. and I just don't see myself. I don't see me. I don't even feel like I look like myself right now. I get on the scale.. it frowns.. and I frown. My energy is completely gone, and I don't sleep so it feels like it's this never ending cycle of playing catch up.

Because of the problems with my back and legs I have felt discouraged.. unmotivated.. and simply blah.

Today I fell asleep on the couch with my baby and I honestly felt like I could have laid there with him for 6 days and slept.

As much as this gluten thing sucks... I can say that it's nice to finally feel like I have some sort of an answer. Some direction. Some hope.

For the first time today, even though I'm still pretty unsure about this whole thing I feel like it might finally be OK.

Yes I have to learn how to eat again.. I have to read labels (lord knows I have the kind of patience that that requires) I have to learn to cook differently.. but it's nice to know that there might actually be things that I can eat that aren't going to just make me sick and miserable.

Thanks everyone for the love and support. Seems so silly that I need love and support through a diet/lifestyle change but I absolutely HATE change and this is a big one for me... you all are just amazing.

The things I'm hoping to gain... the stomach pains gone.. finally my regular weight back.. and the itching to stop. I go in tomorrow for another allergy test... so hopefully one way or another that will finally quit.

Thank you Robby for the books, Telly for all the advice.. I'm sure that I'll be asking you a lot more, Kevin and Wendi and everyone else for the support. Much love

Who needs gluten anyway?

Welp... the last 2 days have been interesting. Not interesting in a good way. More interesting in an ..... interesting is the nicest, least offensive word I can use right now.

Monday... there is a reason that 99.9% of the population hates you.

Monday has made a valiant effort to stay the bi*ch day of the week.

And... Success.

I'd just like to start with that and snow ball into examples of why Monday is so damn lame.

So something I've kind of known for awhile and decided to completely and 100,000,000% ignore for some time is that I have a gluten intolerance.

It makes it hard to care or to put any effort into completely changing your diet when you have doctor after doctor conflicting what the other one is saying.. putting you on new and exciting medications.. and diets every other week. I've been told not to eat wheat, to stay away from anything dairy.. To get more vitamin D in my body... that I have thyroid issues... the list goes on and on... and on.

They want to stick things up things... In places you don't want things stuck.... down things... they want to ultra sound things....

I've been tested for lots of stomach diseases... anyway to keep an already boring story less boring, it's all been pretty inconclusive.

I no longer have a gal bladder.. they stole that from me about a year ago... and sometimes I wonder if that little tiny pain in the a** organ was the one little fighter keeping it all together. It sort of feels like since they removed it the problems haven't gotten better... just different. I'll say... interesting.

Aside from the completely unpredictable stomach problems... I've been breaking out into these awful hives. And by awful I mean they seem to come out of no where and leave me wanting to rip off the top 19 layers of my skin... in strategic ... itching order.

Today I was told that that's also most likely a side affect to my bodies intolerance of gluten.

I could probably live with the stomach problems... I've been living with them for a couple of years not.. the itching and hives however are coming close to ending my life. So... at his recommendation... I no longer eat gluten.

Let me just add.... gluten is my favorite thing to eat.

I have gone through a whirl wind of emotions today. My first reaction was "EFF this.. I want to go home and bake some cupcakes."

My Second though was... "Wait... are wings Gluten free!?!?!?

Google... OMG I need to google this sh*t right now!!!!!!!!!!!... Wait!!! they aren't!?!? WTF am I going to eat!?!?"

To be honest I am completely unprepared for this. My 3rd thought today was "Gluten Free for Dummies... I'm sure that they have that right?" And thank you to Robby and Amazon.com (Which I learned today sells books) They do make that book.. and it, along with Elisabeth Hasselback's cook book is now on it's way.

I'm trying to look on the bright side.. I really am. I know that I can learn to bake gluten free... someone did give me some comfort today and tell me that butter is gluten free. I'm just pretty sure that 90% of everything else I bake with is not.

Changing your diet shouldn't be this scary except that... it's not like it's some resolution and I have the opportunity to go hard core on it for 2 weeks and then give up and revert back.

I literally bake like 18 times a week.

So if you get gluten free cupcakes that taste like complete garbage... just know that it's me trying to bring my life back to normal... they're probably filled with tears... please out of the kindness of your heart.. just LIE TO ME.

Oh on another positive note.... I've heard that Diet Coke is gluten free... so apparently there is still a God.

A funny little 4 letter word __ __ __ __

My horoscope today was "Your newly discovered enthusiasm was previously only expressed hesitantly. Finally leave your past behind you and look ahead to the future. Don't be afraid to get rid of everything holding you back. You can even motivate others and become a role model to them thanks to the huge amount of vigour you are currently displaying. The sun will also support your plans."

Obviously this hit me hard.. It's right where I'm at and exactly what I need.

It's funny that this came today.. considering the past came back to haunt me yesterday. You would think that if you had made the decision and effort to leave a bad situation.. that it would stop finding you. Why does something so small... so stupid.. bring up so many painful emotions? Sometimes I wonder what the plan is. Sometimes I wonder why it feels like you've done everything you can.. but it still seems like God has another path.

Maybe there's still some life lesson in this I'm supposed to be learning?? How many life lessons can one person get???

You'd think there would only be so many tears you could cry.. and only so many times your heart could break.

I want someone who understands me. But not the strong, independent, loud.. say it like it is me. I want someone who understands the tears too. Someone who gets that sometimes my world falls apart. Someone who understands the cranky and impossible me.

I'm ready to move on.. actually.. I've been in the process of moving on. How do I find the strength that I must be lacking?

These last few weeks have been amazing. They have been spent with some really incredible people.. they have been absolutely perfect. If there's one thing that I do know.. it's that the people in my life right now are more than I could ever ask for.

It's hard not to be scared about what the future is going to bring when the only example you have of life is a hurtful and painful past.

The more I talk to people.. the more I realize how ridiculous the things I have to say sound... how unnatural what I've been through is. Most people... don't understand. Actually, there's only one person who has ever listened to it and never told me that I was lying about those things. To be honest though... I can't blame anyone for not understanding. It seems insane.. even to me.

There's just a missing piece... I don't know what it is.

Where do you find inspiration?

Observations.

It's January 18th. There was no snow in November, there was no snow in December. Now... this week... it finally snows.

This is ONLY because I am having a cocktail party in 3 days where girls will be in short dresses and high heels. Including myself.

Perfect.

Another observation? My Mazda6 (be jealous) sucks in the snow. I can't even tell you how many times the little traction light came on... and my car started to make that damn dinging sound.

Like... No sh*t car!!! I almost just ran into a fence!! Obviously, WE DON'T EFFING HAVE TRACTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Princess Fiona would never have had these kind of issues. In fact.. Princess Fiona would have made the snow her bit*h.

Next observation? People in Utah cannot drive in snow. Maybe... it's because of all the freaking Mazda6's on the road... but my lord... it's only snow. Why did the little white stuff falling from the sky turn you into a COMPLETE idiot!?!? I don't have traction!!! My damn car just made the dinging sound!!! DON'T slam on your breaks in front of me!!!!!!!! I AM going to hit you!! It's a MAZDA 6!!!!

Next observation? Zac Brown Band's show is on Saturday. Yup... this Saturday... the 21st. What is the universe trying to do to me!?!?

I'd miss my own party for Zac Brown!!!!!

Not only is he a musical genius... but he has the crazy child molester beanie and beard you just can't help but love. Have you ever seen that man play a guitar!!!?!?!?! Zac Brown Makes the guitar his bit*h. I don't even know if he plays it so much as just touches it and it plays itself.

Final observation?? I have been baking. All day. Making centerpieces... debating dresses.. cutting fabric... calling my DJ.. and still there are a million things to do. So far, I've escaped an anxiety attack.... but this is going to be a busy few days.

Much love, can't wait to see you all Saturday!!!

Short but sweet

Today I did something I've never done.

Taxes.

Lol.

I know that seems completely pitiful.... and to be completely honest I have absolutely no idea if I did them right.... at all.

But I did them...... I did them all by myself.

No one to tell me that I was dumb, or that I was messing it all up.. or to yell at me.

I just did them.

I actually did them.

So..... If the IRS comes after me..... hahaha... well damn.

How dumb is it that it's like the most liberating thing I've ever done??

I can't believe that the weekend is already over. That tomorrow is already Monday. It was too short. It's always too short. I don't even know what I'd do with a real weekend. Or what it would feel like to actually be excited that it was Friday... because I didn't have to work on Saturday.

I didn't do anything today. Actually.. I didn't shower or even attempt to get out of my pajamas until 4:30 lol.

Lazy Sunday... Short but sweet.

Much Love

First of all.. let me just say... that if you don't like what I have to say... STOP reading my blog. Stop checking up on my facebook... stop asking about me. It's sort of weird how my name is always on your lips.

Doesn't it get tiring?? Caring so much about what I'm doing? Trying so hard to knock me down all the time??

What is it? What is it about me that you can't let go of? What is it about me that's just so damn hard to believe? I am not that interesting. Promise.

I don't think I could ever actually live up to the lies you tell about me.. and the rumors you work up.

On a less exhausting note... today was kind of a rough day. I felt sick, run down, overwhelmed... and fortunate for me, I cannot get rid of these damn hives!!!! They are sort of ruining my life right now lol. I thought maybe I was having an allergic reaction to my dog, but the more I get them the more I just think that maybe it's from stress.

Whatever. I got to spend tonight with my family, and then with some amazing girlfriends I haven't seen in a long time. I missed them. I needed a girls night out. I needed to talk about girl stuff.... about life, and crazy love, and men... dresses... shoes lol. I have to admit that I have some of the most amazing girlfriends in the entire world. I'm lucky that way.

Actually I feel like the luckiest girl in the whole world. I just feel like everything is (almost) how it should be. It's crazy how a couple of weeks can make such a difference but I guess that when you find yourself again... it's sort of hard not to feel fortunate.

It's hard to express... but I just feel so grateful and so blessed. I feel like life has been patiently waiting for me... for so, so long, and I finally figured it out.

My friend told me tonight that she could see the change in me. That even through things that I say she can see the difference.. that she can see that I'm so much happier. Honestly... that meant the world to me. Actually... it just means the world to me that you're my friend. I have some incredible people in my life, that have stuck with me through a lot of pain. I could never begin to tell you what that means to me.

Just thank you. Thank you for not giving up on me when a lot of people did.

This week is going to be CRAZY. I have my BIG birthday party on Saturday, and I cannot wait!!! There is still SO much to do still but I figure that with some absolutely amazing friends... some cake.. a little dancing.. well I just don't know that you can go wrong.

I STILL haven't picked a dress...

My shoes are in the mail...... (I hope)..

I need my hair done.. a manicure.. a pedicure...

probably some Xanax lol

I hope everyone has the most amazing week ever. I can't wait to see you all Saturday!!!!

Just a thought... you can spend all the time in the world being in the wrong place.. but life is so short. At the end of the day, it's the amazing people in your world that make it all worth while. It's the little moments... the tiny things that we rush over, that in the end mean the most. Those things you can't get back... so don't let them pass you by. Embrace it today because tomorrow the opportunity could be gone.

Much Love -

Melts in your mouth.. not in your hands..

It was one of those days....

Woke up... late. Dragged myself out of the wrong side of the bed...

My blow dryer set my round brush on fire.. while still in my hair.

How does that happen one asks..??

..... I'm still trying to figure that out.

I changed about 27 times for work. Still nothing looked good. Nothing felt right. Blah.

Black.

Black pants.. black high heels.. black shirt. Black is slimming??

Black is boring.

Eyeliner... It only made it on to one of my eyes... while rushing out the door I figured out something looked a little...... funny...

Me.

So distracted. My mind has been running a million miles a minute.

Life.

I got to work and had a little bit of a pants crisis... if you will..

So.... Banana Republic in the middle of the work day?

At what point did I think it was OK to go and try on pants on an already self conscious day??

I pulled a size 4.

No.... actually...

I pulled 8 different pairs of black size 4 pants.

None of them fit. None of them looked good. Not one.....

Before admitting to myself that I have done way too much... football watching and delicious food eating lately...

I decided to try... 8 more pair of black size 4 pants.

I almost had a meltdown.

Right there. Right in the middle of the Banana Republic fitting room.

As if my black outfit now had it's place in this world...

I was in mourning.

"How are those sizes working out for you?" (A sweet... almost obnoxious little voice through the fitting room door )

It doesn't matter if i suck it in.. jump.. wiggle... squirm...

I asked the skinny size 0 bi o tch to grab me a size 6.

Size 6 did not cut off my circulation.

So tomorrow I trade my diet coke in for water, and my baking for the stair climber.

Your dreams are the same as mine..

I haven't written in a few days because I have had absolutely nothing to say. And what I thought I might have to say... was simply better left unsaid.

Sometimes it's better to keep the things you want to say out loud.... inside...

At least until you emotionally filter through them.

Life has such a funny way of bringing things into perspective.

There is always someone whose heart is a little more broken then yours.

Remember that.

I've been working on singing "How Great Though Art" for a friend of mine.. who recently lost someone. She wanted me to record a version of it for her... and it is one of the hardest things I've ever done. I can sing it... but I know how much it means to her.. and I know the heart behind her wanting it.

Its funny how your heart can break for someone. It's funny how you can feel the pain of another soul when you really listen.

One of my favorite quotes is:

"The boundaries which divide life from death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall say where one ends, and the other begins?" ~Edgar Alan Poe

I had someone else close to me today lose someone close to them. Actually.. from the sounds of it... it was just simply a completely awful day for him.

I don't have the words. I'm not that great at being able to say the things I need to... when I need to say them. I know I don't always say the right thing. I'm sorry.. I just want you to know that my heart is with you.. and I'm sending you my love and any strength I can. You're such a strong person. Probably the strongest person I've ever met. And if I could make you smile... if I could take away the hurt I would.

I don't know why awful things happen. I have to have the faith to believe it's that God has a bigger plan than we're aware of. That there's something that we can't see.

I don't know if I believe in fate... or in destiny.. but i do believe in compassion. I believe in people finding hope in each other... when you step far enough outside of yourself to just listen. To put your worries.. your struggles... your emotions aside... you learn a lot about humanity.

And one day... we'll all learn that we aren't so very different after all.

Happy New Year!!!

2012. Nuff said. I thought there was a good chance that 2011 was NEVER going to end.

I spent New Years Eve with my cousins I don't get to see very often. It was amazing. We went downtown and saw the lights at the temple.. which when you're a Utahn is like the thing to do at Christmas. It was stunning, as always. Then I went and rang in the new year with my sisters, my brother in laws, my nieces and my little man. And you know what?? I had the best New Years Eve kiss ever... my 3 year old ;)

I also had the best New Years day I think I've ever had. I sat on the couch... well.. basically all day long, watching hours and hours... and hours of football with my sister and brother in law. I ate junk food. All day. In fact.. I didn't eat a single healthy thing. I didn't exercise. I didn't obsess over my weight, or my diet. I just ate bad food. And I watched football.. and it was perfect.

There's so much I'm looking forward to this year. My Birthday this month.. Monterey in March... skydiving over Canyon Lands... Michigan in July... and this year unlike last year I'm actually going to get my camping on!! I didn't really get to go at all last year so I need to make up for it this year.

I hope everyone has the most amazing 2012. I hope everyone finds everything they're looking for in life and in love. I can't wait to see where this year takes me.

I didn't make any resolutions. Actually I don't want to have any expectations of this year.. I just want to remember to soak up every beautiful moment of it. And to actually live it. I'm not going to spend it waiting for something to happen.. just love how amazing the journey is.

Happy 2012 everyone ;)