You find strength in the craziest places. Sometimes even in strangers.
The New Year is almost here.. and I cannot wait. I can't wait for this week to be over.. for 2011 to finally be done. It came with a lot of pain.. but a lot of life lessons, that I'm so incredibly grateful for.
Today I read something I wanted to share.
~A father and his son are at the circus. The son sees a massive elephant shackled with old, rusted, flimsy chains. The boy asks his father "Isn't that elephant strong enough to break out of those chains?" The father replies "Of course he is, it's just that he's been chained like that since he was too small and weak to break free.. so now he doesn't know the difference."
Isn't it a little unsettling to think... you could be the elephant?
I know next year means a million new things. A million new adventures. For a lot of years now, I've known what life meant. Disappointment. Now suddenly I'm not in those chains anymore. And you know what? It's pretty liberating to know that happiness is actually an option. As... emo as this sounds.. I don't think I really knew that before.
Someone I recently met taught me to dream again. And as dumb as that sounds.. I owe this person so much more than I could ever explain for giving me that.
-----
Christmas is over which means it's going to be January.. which means it's going to be my Birfday!!!!!! My birfday!! And even though I am not too excited to be the big.... 25... (ahhg) I have gone into full blown Martha Stewart party planning mode. I cannot freaking wait!!!!! I've never really had a big birthday party before.. ever. In fact for the last several years my birthday has... well it's simply sucked haha. At least 3 of the last 6 years.. I spent my birthday all by myself. So to be able to spend it with my close friends and family is going to be amazing. A good way to kick of 2012 right? Well if everyone comes.. I guess if they don't then I just dance around like an idiot eating cake all by myself.. in a schmancy cocktail dress lol.
And you know.. I'm mostly ok with that ;)
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Oh California
My Sessie is gone. She packed everything she owns up in a Uhaul and left me. In Utah. To fend for myself.
It's not like I didn't know this was coming... I just didn't know it was coming so soon. I was supposed to have a few more months with her.. and now she's just.. gone.
It's strange how it already feels like there is such a huge void. I see her.. all the time. Almost every single day. And now I wont see her until my birthday.. and then I don't know when.
Who's going to laugh at my jokes? NO one else thinks I'm funny. Who's going to lay next to me in a bed in South Carolina and recite the ENTIRE script of Bridesmaids with me.. and laugh hysterically with me until the wee hours of the morning? More importantly.. who's going to watch Bridesmaids over, and over, and over again with me? Or threaten to spoon me? Or take me to movies I'd never watch in a million... and I mean a MILLION years??
Dammit.. who's going to tell me there's no Santa!?!?!?
I don't like this one bit. Not one bit. I'm sad. I've already figured out it only takes me 1 day to drive to her. I feel like driving there now. Is it awkward if I show up on her doorstep tomorrow?
I don't want her to be gone. She gets me. She understands. And now she's gone.
I miss my Sessie.
It's not like I didn't know this was coming... I just didn't know it was coming so soon. I was supposed to have a few more months with her.. and now she's just.. gone.
It's strange how it already feels like there is such a huge void. I see her.. all the time. Almost every single day. And now I wont see her until my birthday.. and then I don't know when.
Who's going to laugh at my jokes? NO one else thinks I'm funny. Who's going to lay next to me in a bed in South Carolina and recite the ENTIRE script of Bridesmaids with me.. and laugh hysterically with me until the wee hours of the morning? More importantly.. who's going to watch Bridesmaids over, and over, and over again with me? Or threaten to spoon me? Or take me to movies I'd never watch in a million... and I mean a MILLION years??
Dammit.. who's going to tell me there's no Santa!?!?!?
I don't like this one bit. Not one bit. I'm sad. I've already figured out it only takes me 1 day to drive to her. I feel like driving there now. Is it awkward if I show up on her doorstep tomorrow?
I don't want her to be gone. She gets me. She understands. And now she's gone.
I miss my Sessie.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Raw
Do you ever just want to run?? To the middle of no where? Just run.. and run.. no where to even go.. no direction... just run and run and not stop? Not ever stop??
You don't know what's ahead.. you don't know what you're even running towards but you just don't want to stand still? Because it hurts to just stand still?
Someone asked me today what the "real" story behind a few things in my recent past was. I didn't want to tell them really.. but to be honest it kind of felt nice that someone asked. That someone wanted to know my side. Wanted to hear what I had to say. .. By the end though they didn't believe it. Like I had made up the stories. Like I could actually gain something from lying about it... and it made me so hurt and shut down. This is the reason that I keep my big fat mouth shut. This is the reason I don't talk. This is the reason it hurts to trust... because the truth???? ... you don't believe.
What!?!?! Because I was quiet about it before?? Because I didn't say it while it was happening now I'm just making it up?? No wonder I don't say the things I've said!!
This same person said I was acting weak. That I was letting it all get to me...
I have been a single mom for 3 1/2 years. From every diaper.. and every cold.. every nightmare.. every birthday.. every haircut.. every Dr. appt.. every bath.. every sleepless night.. I have been a single mom. Does that make me a saint? No. Just alone.
I haven't had a boyfriend/fiance (whatever) in over 3 years that lived in the same state as me. Most holidays have been spent all alone.. or with my 3 year old. You hear an "I love you" through a telephone.. or Skype if you both have the time. If you're lucky flowers show up on your birthday.. and forget going on a "double date" or a double.. anything. You get an actual date.. a couple times a year??
You don't know what I went through.. you have NO idea about the lies, the hurt.. the pain. As God is my witness you couldn't possibly.. and what's worse is you ask and you don't believe.
Maybe that makes me weak.. I don't know.. maybe this all sounds just like a pity party.. and you know what? Maybe it is. But how can you judge something you know nothing about?
I say that I'm tired of being alone and you tell me that I'm too co-dependent on someone. But I haven't actually had someone.. in years. So how can I be co-dependent on that?
Why is it so easy to judge me and so hard to just be my friend? Why is it not OK to see me cry if you've never seen me cry before? Did you never stop to think that maybe I just need a friend? That maybe I don't have it all together? And maybe.. just maybe there's more to it than you think?
You don't know what's ahead.. you don't know what you're even running towards but you just don't want to stand still? Because it hurts to just stand still?
Someone asked me today what the "real" story behind a few things in my recent past was. I didn't want to tell them really.. but to be honest it kind of felt nice that someone asked. That someone wanted to know my side. Wanted to hear what I had to say. .. By the end though they didn't believe it. Like I had made up the stories. Like I could actually gain something from lying about it... and it made me so hurt and shut down. This is the reason that I keep my big fat mouth shut. This is the reason I don't talk. This is the reason it hurts to trust... because the truth???? ... you don't believe.
What!?!?! Because I was quiet about it before?? Because I didn't say it while it was happening now I'm just making it up?? No wonder I don't say the things I've said!!
This same person said I was acting weak. That I was letting it all get to me...
I have been a single mom for 3 1/2 years. From every diaper.. and every cold.. every nightmare.. every birthday.. every haircut.. every Dr. appt.. every bath.. every sleepless night.. I have been a single mom. Does that make me a saint? No. Just alone.
I haven't had a boyfriend/fiance (whatever) in over 3 years that lived in the same state as me. Most holidays have been spent all alone.. or with my 3 year old. You hear an "I love you" through a telephone.. or Skype if you both have the time. If you're lucky flowers show up on your birthday.. and forget going on a "double date" or a double.. anything. You get an actual date.. a couple times a year??
You don't know what I went through.. you have NO idea about the lies, the hurt.. the pain. As God is my witness you couldn't possibly.. and what's worse is you ask and you don't believe.
Maybe that makes me weak.. I don't know.. maybe this all sounds just like a pity party.. and you know what? Maybe it is. But how can you judge something you know nothing about?
I say that I'm tired of being alone and you tell me that I'm too co-dependent on someone. But I haven't actually had someone.. in years. So how can I be co-dependent on that?
Why is it so easy to judge me and so hard to just be my friend? Why is it not OK to see me cry if you've never seen me cry before? Did you never stop to think that maybe I just need a friend? That maybe I don't have it all together? And maybe.. just maybe there's more to it than you think?
Monday, December 26, 2011
A New Year - Primary Children's Hospital
I'm tired. SO tired. I don't think I'm any good on no sleep. In fact.. I think I'm an absolute beast on no sleep.
This last week has been a hard week. My little monkey man has been so sick, and as much as I want to make him feel better, it feels like there's nothing that I can do except for sit next to him while he pukes, yet again. His little body is so, so tired.
We spent Thurs, Fri, and Sat at Primary Children's. Luckily, by the good grace of God he was able to come home Sat.. which was Christmas eve, and didn't have to spend Christmas there. I hope that we don't have to go back.
The entire staff at Primary Children's was amazing... Walking out of the hospital Saturday I felt so incredibly blessed that I was getting to take my baby home. That he wouldn't have to wake up there on Christmas morning.. but at the same time I felt incredibly sad.. for all the kids I knew were still there. For all the families that would be spending their holiday in a hospital room. For the ones that couldn't leave.
We got out to the car and there was a candy cane hanging from the car door handle. Aiden was SO excited that Santa's elves were already out leaving Christmas presents... and it sort of made me wonder what amazing person out there took time out of their Christmas Eve.. and away from their family to do something so simple as to hang candy canes on car doors... that left my son with the BIGGEST smile he had mustered up in a week.
SO!! The New Year is fast approaching.. and like every other year we all make New Years resolutions.. Well.. based on the resolutions I made at the beginning of this year, and the luck I had over this past year.... I'll never make another resolution As. Long. As. I. Live. lol.
Instead I decided walking out of that hospital on Saturday to do something different.. And I hope you can all help me.
Primary Children's is in need of things constantly. When my son was admitted they gave him a panda bear stuffed animal that he got to bring home with him... But there are children there of all ages.. that have to stay a lot longer than my son, and I want to help.
This year instead of a New Years resolution I decided that I would spend the next year collecting donated items for Primary Children's Hospital. I want to get 500... yes.... 500!!! Of EACH item on the list below. These are just SOME of the things the hospital desperately needs. I hope, with your help it wont take me all year to collect everything.. but I will do it as long as it takes me.
Please help.. in any way you can. Let's spend 2012 giving back to a community that has taken time to give to us all.
The things I'm collecting:
*Snappable Newborn Sleepers (0-18mo)
*Receiving blankets (36''x36'' or larger)
*Underwear (boys and girls sizes 2yrs to young adults)
*Matchbox cars
* 3 oz containers of Play Doh
*Coloring Books
*Bubbles
*Crayola washable markers
*Nail Polish
*Stuffed animals (they recommend Muslin, the one Aiden received was polyester.. so I think anything store bought will do. If it's home made please use the muslin)
*Any cash donations - If you don't have the time to do the shopping I will happily do it
Most of these items I took from their "Top Needed List".
Please contact me if you can help at all!! I know I have several immediate friends and family that have been touched and blessed by this Hospital. Please help me give back!!
Also.. Once I've collected at least 500 of each of these Items I'll figure out a donation day and I'd love anyone who is able to help to be there to donate the items with me!
You can E-mail me at ElizabethBusath@Yahoo.com for any further info needed :)
This last week has been a hard week. My little monkey man has been so sick, and as much as I want to make him feel better, it feels like there's nothing that I can do except for sit next to him while he pukes, yet again. His little body is so, so tired.
We spent Thurs, Fri, and Sat at Primary Children's. Luckily, by the good grace of God he was able to come home Sat.. which was Christmas eve, and didn't have to spend Christmas there. I hope that we don't have to go back.
The entire staff at Primary Children's was amazing... Walking out of the hospital Saturday I felt so incredibly blessed that I was getting to take my baby home. That he wouldn't have to wake up there on Christmas morning.. but at the same time I felt incredibly sad.. for all the kids I knew were still there. For all the families that would be spending their holiday in a hospital room. For the ones that couldn't leave.
We got out to the car and there was a candy cane hanging from the car door handle. Aiden was SO excited that Santa's elves were already out leaving Christmas presents... and it sort of made me wonder what amazing person out there took time out of their Christmas Eve.. and away from their family to do something so simple as to hang candy canes on car doors... that left my son with the BIGGEST smile he had mustered up in a week.
SO!! The New Year is fast approaching.. and like every other year we all make New Years resolutions.. Well.. based on the resolutions I made at the beginning of this year, and the luck I had over this past year.... I'll never make another resolution As. Long. As. I. Live. lol.
Instead I decided walking out of that hospital on Saturday to do something different.. And I hope you can all help me.
Primary Children's is in need of things constantly. When my son was admitted they gave him a panda bear stuffed animal that he got to bring home with him... But there are children there of all ages.. that have to stay a lot longer than my son, and I want to help.
This year instead of a New Years resolution I decided that I would spend the next year collecting donated items for Primary Children's Hospital. I want to get 500... yes.... 500!!! Of EACH item on the list below. These are just SOME of the things the hospital desperately needs. I hope, with your help it wont take me all year to collect everything.. but I will do it as long as it takes me.
Please help.. in any way you can. Let's spend 2012 giving back to a community that has taken time to give to us all.
The things I'm collecting:
*Snappable Newborn Sleepers (0-18mo)
*Receiving blankets (36''x36'' or larger)
*Underwear (boys and girls sizes 2yrs to young adults)
*Matchbox cars
* 3 oz containers of Play Doh
*Coloring Books
*Bubbles
*Crayola washable markers
*Nail Polish
*Stuffed animals (they recommend Muslin, the one Aiden received was polyester.. so I think anything store bought will do. If it's home made please use the muslin)
*Any cash donations - If you don't have the time to do the shopping I will happily do it
Most of these items I took from their "Top Needed List".
Please contact me if you can help at all!! I know I have several immediate friends and family that have been touched and blessed by this Hospital. Please help me give back!!
Also.. Once I've collected at least 500 of each of these Items I'll figure out a donation day and I'd love anyone who is able to help to be there to donate the items with me!
You can E-mail me at ElizabethBusath@Yahoo.com for any further info needed :)
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
My little monkey
When you're a mom.. a shower suddenly becomes a game of "wash as many things as you possibly can in 5 mins" while someone plays peak-a-boo with the shower curtain...
It means having a 3 year old alarm clock who will without fail wake you up at 6:00am when your actual alarm clock is set for 7:30...
and never leaving the house for work without some gooey hand print on your once clean black slacks.
It means watching some Disney movie 29 times a day.. every single day... for a month.. until they find the next movie to watch 29 times a day.. every single day... for the next month...
and it means buying action figured instead of designer shoes...
But like tonight it also means Me, him, Mr. Bear, Curious George, Puppy and his Tiger all sharing a toddler bed so we can snuggle, read a book for the 1000th time.. say our prayers.. and laugh hysterically while making the dumbest faces in the world at each other.
It means Eskimo kisses and tickle fights..
It means loving so hard you think your heart may burst.
Having my little guy was obviously not planned.. but there isn't a day that he doesn't give me a new reason to love.. and to smile.
I was wrapping his Christmas presents today.. listening to Christmas music and it just hit me how grateful I am. How perfect he is.
He has the biggest heart.. I wish I had a heart the size of his.
It's crazy how something so unplanned and so scary could turn into your whole world. I love you monkey :)
It means having a 3 year old alarm clock who will without fail wake you up at 6:00am when your actual alarm clock is set for 7:30...
and never leaving the house for work without some gooey hand print on your once clean black slacks.
It means watching some Disney movie 29 times a day.. every single day... for a month.. until they find the next movie to watch 29 times a day.. every single day... for the next month...
and it means buying action figured instead of designer shoes...
But like tonight it also means Me, him, Mr. Bear, Curious George, Puppy and his Tiger all sharing a toddler bed so we can snuggle, read a book for the 1000th time.. say our prayers.. and laugh hysterically while making the dumbest faces in the world at each other.
It means Eskimo kisses and tickle fights..
It means loving so hard you think your heart may burst.
Having my little guy was obviously not planned.. but there isn't a day that he doesn't give me a new reason to love.. and to smile.
I was wrapping his Christmas presents today.. listening to Christmas music and it just hit me how grateful I am. How perfect he is.
He has the biggest heart.. I wish I had a heart the size of his.
It's crazy how something so unplanned and so scary could turn into your whole world. I love you monkey :)
Monday, December 19, 2011
"he's nuts..... he's duuuuummmb"
I love the things that I shouldn't.. and fall for the things I can't have...
When you find something that you want but that isn't yours.. everything else seems so mundane. It's like putting candy in front of a 3 years old and telling them not to eat it. I am the 3 year old in this situation.
Isn't it a funny feeling.. knowing you can get almost anything you want.. except the thing that you want the most? And knowing that everything else is going to fall short.. so why bother?
I've been on date after date. With boys.. men.. and everything in between. There is always something missing. Always. Actually, 99% of the time there's a lot missing.
I'm so tired of just going through the motions. That's all it is.. going through the motions.
Maybe I'm too picky? Maybe I give up to easy? Or I'm just too hard to please?
After being drug through the mud I know my tolerance level is non-existent. The funny thing is that I'm in no rush to have a relationship.. but at the same time I so badly want to give someone the world.. and for once in my life to feel safe with someone.
I don't have to have it all figured out tomorrow.. but It's kind of getting hard doing it all by myself. I've done it all by myself for so long.
It's going to take one amazing man to trample all of my fears. I don't think it's impossible.. I just have to find someone that wont give up on me.
......
It's the week before Christmas.. I have so much to still get done. I thought I was a lot farther along with it all than I am so now I'm scrambling a little bit. It hit me today it's less than a week away and I still have shopping.. baking.. all the wrapping. It's going to be a busy, busy week.
My heart is also so humbled today. I have a friend who lost their beautiful little baby girl a couple of years ago to a horrible disease. They lost her right before Christmas. My thoughts and prayers go out to them and their entire family right now. I know that this is not an easy thing for you all. I know that there will always be a missing piece to your Christmas ad to your hearts. I wish you knew how much I love and care about you and think about you constantly.
Hold on and cherish your family during the holidays. The presents.. all of it doesn't matter if you don't have them. <3
When you find something that you want but that isn't yours.. everything else seems so mundane. It's like putting candy in front of a 3 years old and telling them not to eat it. I am the 3 year old in this situation.
Isn't it a funny feeling.. knowing you can get almost anything you want.. except the thing that you want the most? And knowing that everything else is going to fall short.. so why bother?
I've been on date after date. With boys.. men.. and everything in between. There is always something missing. Always. Actually, 99% of the time there's a lot missing.
I'm so tired of just going through the motions. That's all it is.. going through the motions.
Maybe I'm too picky? Maybe I give up to easy? Or I'm just too hard to please?
After being drug through the mud I know my tolerance level is non-existent. The funny thing is that I'm in no rush to have a relationship.. but at the same time I so badly want to give someone the world.. and for once in my life to feel safe with someone.
I don't have to have it all figured out tomorrow.. but It's kind of getting hard doing it all by myself. I've done it all by myself for so long.
It's going to take one amazing man to trample all of my fears. I don't think it's impossible.. I just have to find someone that wont give up on me.
......
It's the week before Christmas.. I have so much to still get done. I thought I was a lot farther along with it all than I am so now I'm scrambling a little bit. It hit me today it's less than a week away and I still have shopping.. baking.. all the wrapping. It's going to be a busy, busy week.
My heart is also so humbled today. I have a friend who lost their beautiful little baby girl a couple of years ago to a horrible disease. They lost her right before Christmas. My thoughts and prayers go out to them and their entire family right now. I know that this is not an easy thing for you all. I know that there will always be a missing piece to your Christmas ad to your hearts. I wish you knew how much I love and care about you and think about you constantly.
Hold on and cherish your family during the holidays. The presents.. all of it doesn't matter if you don't have them. <3
Friday, December 16, 2011
I never met a cookie I didn't like
Before there was Xanax.. before there was Prozac.. Women had their cooking. Their cooking and their alcohol...
When nothing else in the world is going right.. you can put ingredients together and make something amazing. Having a bad day? I recommend making bread. The old fashioned way. I never hit dough while imagining someones face that didn't make me feel at least a little better.
Might sound dumb but.. you throw on an apron, some music, and forget the world.. your day is bound to improve, even if you only make it to the cookie dough.
I guess being raised by a southern woman.. loving food, and loving to cook are just inbred in me. I love it. In a southern woman's kitchen.. you never go hungry, because there is always another meal being prepared before the last one is finished.
In a southern woman's kitchen.. there's breakfast.. brunch.. snack.. lunch.. supper.. dinner.. dessert.. midnight snack. If you go hungry, it's your own damn fault.. and in a southern woman's kitchen.. she'll let you know... it's your Own. Damn. Fault.
You will always find butter in a southern woman's kitchen. If there isn't at least a pound of it in the fridge at all times.. she is not a southern woman.
In a southern woman's kitchen.. don't touch it until it is ready.. but don't stop eating it once it's in front of you. I learned that from the 4'9'' southern woman that raised the southern woman that raised me.
........
Today was a long day. Hard to say the least. So I thought I'd come home and make some fancy schmancy little cookies.. and I thought maybe I'd throw the recipe up on here if anyone is interested in what's goin' on in my kitchen...
I threw on my pink apron.. a little Sinatra.. and I think we came up with something pretty amazing.
I've included some pics because.. unless the recipe is made up on my own, I never make anything that doesn't have a picture included. I hope you like :)
********Liz's Lemon Cuts ********
Cookie Ingredients:
2 1/2 Cups flour
1/2 tsp salt
1 cup unsalted butter (room temp)
3/4 Cups sugar
2-3 Tbsp finely grated fresh lemon zest
1 tsp vanilla extract
4 Large egg yolks
Frosting Ingredients:
1 1/2 Cups Powdered Sugar
2 Tbsp fresh lemon juice
1/2 tsp vanilla
food coloring (optional)
sanding sugar (optional)
Directions:
*Whisk together flour and salt
*With an electric mixer beat butter, sugar, lemon zest, and vanilla in a large bowl until light and fluffy.
*Add egg yolks. Beat just to blend.
*Add flour/salt mixture just to blend
*Divide dough in half.
*Roll each half into a 10'' long by approx 1 3/4'' diameter roll. Wrap in plastic and chill about 1 hour (until firm) *** Don't worry if your rolls aren't perfect, once they chill you can re-shape them a little
*Preheat oven to 350*. Line 2 baking sheets with parchment paper. Using a sharp, lightly floured knife, cut log into 1/4'' thick rounds. Put on cookie sheet.
*Bake until cookies are firm and lightly brown around edges. (14-16 mins)(Do not let these burn!!!) Let cool for 1 min and transfer to wire cooling racks. Let cool completely.
Frosting directions:
*Whisk Sugar and lemon juice.. add additional lemon juice if too thick. (Add food coloring if desired, decorate as desired) *** additional powdered sugar if too thin
Just a side note.. the frosting is yummy but very tart.. so I wouldn't use a lot of it.
Sorry the pictures loaded backwards... I couldn't get them to flip around so sorry about that. This will at least give you some idea. I was going for a candy cane look.. didn't really turn out that was but they are delicious just them same :)
When nothing else in the world is going right.. you can put ingredients together and make something amazing. Having a bad day? I recommend making bread. The old fashioned way. I never hit dough while imagining someones face that didn't make me feel at least a little better.
Might sound dumb but.. you throw on an apron, some music, and forget the world.. your day is bound to improve, even if you only make it to the cookie dough.
I guess being raised by a southern woman.. loving food, and loving to cook are just inbred in me. I love it. In a southern woman's kitchen.. you never go hungry, because there is always another meal being prepared before the last one is finished.
In a southern woman's kitchen.. there's breakfast.. brunch.. snack.. lunch.. supper.. dinner.. dessert.. midnight snack. If you go hungry, it's your own damn fault.. and in a southern woman's kitchen.. she'll let you know... it's your Own. Damn. Fault.
You will always find butter in a southern woman's kitchen. If there isn't at least a pound of it in the fridge at all times.. she is not a southern woman.
In a southern woman's kitchen.. don't touch it until it is ready.. but don't stop eating it once it's in front of you. I learned that from the 4'9'' southern woman that raised the southern woman that raised me.
........
Today was a long day. Hard to say the least. So I thought I'd come home and make some fancy schmancy little cookies.. and I thought maybe I'd throw the recipe up on here if anyone is interested in what's goin' on in my kitchen...
I threw on my pink apron.. a little Sinatra.. and I think we came up with something pretty amazing.
I've included some pics because.. unless the recipe is made up on my own, I never make anything that doesn't have a picture included. I hope you like :)
********Liz's Lemon Cuts ********
Cookie Ingredients:
2 1/2 Cups flour
1/2 tsp salt
1 cup unsalted butter (room temp)
3/4 Cups sugar
2-3 Tbsp finely grated fresh lemon zest
1 tsp vanilla extract
4 Large egg yolks
Frosting Ingredients:
1 1/2 Cups Powdered Sugar
2 Tbsp fresh lemon juice
1/2 tsp vanilla
food coloring (optional)
sanding sugar (optional)
Directions:
*Whisk together flour and salt
*With an electric mixer beat butter, sugar, lemon zest, and vanilla in a large bowl until light and fluffy.
*Add egg yolks. Beat just to blend.
*Add flour/salt mixture just to blend
*Divide dough in half.
*Roll each half into a 10'' long by approx 1 3/4'' diameter roll. Wrap in plastic and chill about 1 hour (until firm) *** Don't worry if your rolls aren't perfect, once they chill you can re-shape them a little
*Preheat oven to 350*. Line 2 baking sheets with parchment paper. Using a sharp, lightly floured knife, cut log into 1/4'' thick rounds. Put on cookie sheet.
*Bake until cookies are firm and lightly brown around edges. (14-16 mins)(Do not let these burn!!!) Let cool for 1 min and transfer to wire cooling racks. Let cool completely.
Frosting directions:
*Whisk Sugar and lemon juice.. add additional lemon juice if too thick. (Add food coloring if desired, decorate as desired) *** additional powdered sugar if too thin
Just a side note.. the frosting is yummy but very tart.. so I wouldn't use a lot of it.
Sorry the pictures loaded backwards... I couldn't get them to flip around so sorry about that. This will at least give you some idea. I was going for a candy cane look.. didn't really turn out that was but they are delicious just them same :)Thursday, December 15, 2011
To kill the beast, you have to cut it off at the head..
I did it. I confronted it today. My fear.. and all of my pain. I said the things I had to say. I guess there will never be enough words to say it all. Maybe on some level this was the first step to the forgiveness I so desperately need to find. Maybe it only gave me peace of mind for today.. but I guess today is all that matters, right?
I went and saw "My Week With Marilyn" today with my Sessie. This is officially the 2nd time I've tried to see it with her because the last time we went it wasn't playing yet.. anxious much? Lol. I loved it. I loved everything about it. Maybe it's just because I'm a Marilyn Monroe freak but I thought it was amazing. It was clever, and charming and.. sexy (but not explicit) and honest. I'd go and watch it again right now if I could. They're only playing it at Broadway, but if you get the chance go see it.
I just got done recording "Stupid Boy" And am getting ready to throw it up on Youtube. I didn't turn out exactly like I'd hoped. I was so nervous to sing it for some reason. I'm not very good at this whole guitar thing yet. I'm trying.. I guess if nothing else it's conquering a fear of mine. It's not easy for me to put myself out there. It isn't easy for me to put myself in a place to be judged or to feel vulnerable. So this is a huge step for me. I tend to take in negative reactions and hold on to them... and just be hurt by them rather than learning from them.. Like me singing a song badly is the end of the world. Well.. shield off, it's on Youtube for the whole world to see lol. If you get the chance check it out.. and be gentle :)
I hope you all have an amazing night.. and a safe weekend. Happy Holidays!!
I went and saw "My Week With Marilyn" today with my Sessie. This is officially the 2nd time I've tried to see it with her because the last time we went it wasn't playing yet.. anxious much? Lol. I loved it. I loved everything about it. Maybe it's just because I'm a Marilyn Monroe freak but I thought it was amazing. It was clever, and charming and.. sexy (but not explicit) and honest. I'd go and watch it again right now if I could. They're only playing it at Broadway, but if you get the chance go see it.
I just got done recording "Stupid Boy" And am getting ready to throw it up on Youtube. I didn't turn out exactly like I'd hoped. I was so nervous to sing it for some reason. I'm not very good at this whole guitar thing yet. I'm trying.. I guess if nothing else it's conquering a fear of mine. It's not easy for me to put myself out there. It isn't easy for me to put myself in a place to be judged or to feel vulnerable. So this is a huge step for me. I tend to take in negative reactions and hold on to them... and just be hurt by them rather than learning from them.. Like me singing a song badly is the end of the world. Well.. shield off, it's on Youtube for the whole world to see lol. If you get the chance check it out.. and be gentle :)
I hope you all have an amazing night.. and a safe weekend. Happy Holidays!!
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
"Mr. Play it safe, was afraid to fly..."
Falling apart is easy. Giving up.. playing the victim. All easy. It's easy to cry.. it's easy to give into the sadness. It's easy to let yourself hurt.
The hard part is the picking yourself back up. The moving forward. The being strong after it all falls apart. When it all crashes down.. putting it all back together.
I'm not saying this to be some saint. I'm saying it because I need it... So much more than I could ever explain tonight. The being strong. Figuring out how to be strong. I'm well aware that sometimes you just have to let the pain take it's course.. and I promise I'm not saying it's not ok to cry.
I got hit with the past this morning. With a very painful past. Isn't life funny? Just when you start to get it all put back together, it seems like that's the moment that it all just falls apart again. I wasn't ready for this today. I wasn't ready for it to come back into my life today. I wasn't ready to wake up to the texts or emails. I wasn't prepared.
I read something recently that said "When you blame others, you are essentially saying that you are powerless over your own life." I have a lot of hurt and a lot of blame in my heart. I want to get rid of it.. but loving your enemy is by far the hardest thing I've ever been faced with... even harder.. forgiving them.
It takes so much time and energy to hate someone.
When you can't forgive the things that have been done to you, or find understanding in the reason those things happened.. you're not able to move on with your life.
How do you find that forgiveness?? I thought I was on the road to forgiveness. To not caring. To using the past and the pain to grow. I thought I was becoming a stronger person.. and now today I feel like I'm right back where I was. A lot of questions.. and no answers. Do the answers even matter?? If I had the answers would it actually make me feel better?? Or am I just in search of something I'm never going to have?
Someone called me bitter last night. I immediately said "I am.. about this, you're damn right I am. I'm bitter." Then today I realized how sad that is. That it's still so strongly affecting so much of my life. Part of me is mad at people that don't understand.. at people who tell me to just get over it. I wish you knew.. I wish I could just leave this hurt behind. I know it's easier to be sad and to let it run my life.. I know that. I get it. I do. But part of me wants you to understand the hell I went through.
Believe me.. I know that you can't allow someone else's shortcomings to define you. You can't change people.. you can't make someone be a good person.. and sometimes you put your heart out there when you shouldn't... and you get burned.
The other dumb thing is that there's only one person in the whole world that I really want to talk to right now, and I can't. Doesn't matter how much I want to.. I can't. Doesn't life have funny timing?
I'm ready to move on with my life... so why is life making it so difficult to just let that happen?
The hard part is the picking yourself back up. The moving forward. The being strong after it all falls apart. When it all crashes down.. putting it all back together.
I'm not saying this to be some saint. I'm saying it because I need it... So much more than I could ever explain tonight. The being strong. Figuring out how to be strong. I'm well aware that sometimes you just have to let the pain take it's course.. and I promise I'm not saying it's not ok to cry.
I got hit with the past this morning. With a very painful past. Isn't life funny? Just when you start to get it all put back together, it seems like that's the moment that it all just falls apart again. I wasn't ready for this today. I wasn't ready for it to come back into my life today. I wasn't ready to wake up to the texts or emails. I wasn't prepared.
I read something recently that said "When you blame others, you are essentially saying that you are powerless over your own life." I have a lot of hurt and a lot of blame in my heart. I want to get rid of it.. but loving your enemy is by far the hardest thing I've ever been faced with... even harder.. forgiving them.
It takes so much time and energy to hate someone.
When you can't forgive the things that have been done to you, or find understanding in the reason those things happened.. you're not able to move on with your life.
How do you find that forgiveness?? I thought I was on the road to forgiveness. To not caring. To using the past and the pain to grow. I thought I was becoming a stronger person.. and now today I feel like I'm right back where I was. A lot of questions.. and no answers. Do the answers even matter?? If I had the answers would it actually make me feel better?? Or am I just in search of something I'm never going to have?
Someone called me bitter last night. I immediately said "I am.. about this, you're damn right I am. I'm bitter." Then today I realized how sad that is. That it's still so strongly affecting so much of my life. Part of me is mad at people that don't understand.. at people who tell me to just get over it. I wish you knew.. I wish I could just leave this hurt behind. I know it's easier to be sad and to let it run my life.. I know that. I get it. I do. But part of me wants you to understand the hell I went through.
Believe me.. I know that you can't allow someone else's shortcomings to define you. You can't change people.. you can't make someone be a good person.. and sometimes you put your heart out there when you shouldn't... and you get burned.
The other dumb thing is that there's only one person in the whole world that I really want to talk to right now, and I can't. Doesn't matter how much I want to.. I can't. Doesn't life have funny timing?
I'm ready to move on with my life... so why is life making it so difficult to just let that happen?
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
It died with that suit in 1973
I am irritated.
Grrr.. and sure that writing this blog may be the end for me.. the end to me ever getting a date again, let alone a boyfriend.. or a fiance... and probably a husband. No worries, I didn't get that far with that the last time so there isn't much to lose..but..
What is with men?? I mean really. What the hell happened to them??
I go walking into the store today. Ironically in the pursuit of finding something for Christmas for one of my best (male) friends. Don't stress boys.. just a friend. You know, the kind that might as well be my brother because I can't even begin to start to rattle off the list of disgusting things I've witnessed from him.. the kind of things that would only be acceptable say.. 7 years into a marriage?? He is on all levels.. minus the blood relation.. a brother. A big brother. Anyway..
I go walking into the store, a little distracted by my phone.. carrying my purse, an Italian soda... my hands are full.
This tall.. rather average.. average looking, average dressed (by my standards) man is walking only.. a couple of steps in front of me. He opens the door to the store and walks in.
Me.. thinking that the obvious thing for him to do here is to kindly hold the door open for me (which in this scenario was obviously my first mistake) gets smacked right in the Italian soda.. With. The. Door. . I only mention his average-ness... because you would expect this kind of behavior from say a well put together, gorgeous.. for lack of a better word .. dick head.
No. I guess the word is out and now all average Joe's are jumping on this a-hole band wagon.
So surprised by this I actually look up to see him chuckle a little as I'm inspecting my clothes.. just knowing that I am now wearing said Italian soda. Shock of the day.. I was not.
He doesn't even open the door to see if I'm ok or offer an apology. Apparently the "thud" wasn't loud enough for him to show any real concern. In fact.. I'm sure there is one lonely cargo short wearing douche out there.. right now at some bar.. relaying to his buddies how funny it was to see "that chick walk right into the door!"
Where did chivalry go?? I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to help some of my male acquaintances get re-acquainted with some appropriate behavior.
1: When you see a girl carrying something heavy, offer to carry it for her.. regardless of whether you know her or not. It's just the nice thing to do!!!
2: Speak in a respectful manner in front of a girl. Ok.. ok.. ok.. don't get me wrong. I can have a potty mouth. I've been known to get frustrated and cuss a little.. but boys.. I don't want to hear all that boy talk. Save it for your locker room buddies. Boys will be boys.. Girls will be girls.. there's things we say that you don't want to hear either.. but we keep it to ourselves for say...pedicure time. Say it over a beer.. not in front of me or my girlfriends.
3:Refrain from staring, commenting or whistling at girls. I hate to break it to you boys.. but whistling does nothing for us. Nothing. We don't like it.. it makes you look incompetent.. and sort of makes it seem like you couldn't come up with anything intelligent to say.. so a whistle was what??? The next best thing.. ?
4:Open doors for girls. This is not hard. It does not take any effort. It wont slow down your day. it wont inconvenience you. In fact.. true story.. my father after 39 years of marriage STILL opens every single door for my mother.. and for his daughters.
5: Pay for the damn date!! If you can't afford to pay for it.. you should probably be working instead of taking me.. or ANY of my girlfriends out.
6: Be attentive. Whether you're a friend.. or on a date.. or.. just the guy in front of me at the best buy.. pay attention... and not just to whistle at me.
7:If chivalry isn't dead.. manners shouldn't be either. Learn some.
8:Walk curb-side. I mention this because not only is it proper etiquette but I think not something men think about. You should always be walking by the road. And.. when passing a stranger you should ALWAYS take the side between her and the stranger. BE A MAN. Show me that if someone wants to rip my bag out of my hand.. you're between me and him.
9:Gestures. I'm not saying you have to buy us flowers.. or anything. We just want to know that you care. We want to know that we're not the last thing on your mind. That you think about us. That's it. It's not hard. It's not complicated. We're girls. We just want to feel like we actually matter. I know. It's strange but it's true. We just want to feel wanted. Simple.
And Finally #10:This rule applies mostly to men in relationships. Don't behave or act in any way away from your significant other that you wouldn't act with them standing right next to you. I know.. seems a little difficult, right?? I mention this mostly because I've been victim to thinking someone was one person.. but the second anything else with legs and brunette hair walked through the door they became someone else. Just some food for thought.. if you can't be proud that you're with the person you're with.. it's probably just best you not be with them.
I could keep going but I think that covers the basics.. as always.. much love.
Grrr.. and sure that writing this blog may be the end for me.. the end to me ever getting a date again, let alone a boyfriend.. or a fiance... and probably a husband. No worries, I didn't get that far with that the last time so there isn't much to lose..but..
What is with men?? I mean really. What the hell happened to them??
I go walking into the store today. Ironically in the pursuit of finding something for Christmas for one of my best (male) friends. Don't stress boys.. just a friend. You know, the kind that might as well be my brother because I can't even begin to start to rattle off the list of disgusting things I've witnessed from him.. the kind of things that would only be acceptable say.. 7 years into a marriage?? He is on all levels.. minus the blood relation.. a brother. A big brother. Anyway..
I go walking into the store, a little distracted by my phone.. carrying my purse, an Italian soda... my hands are full.
This tall.. rather average.. average looking, average dressed (by my standards) man is walking only.. a couple of steps in front of me. He opens the door to the store and walks in.
Me.. thinking that the obvious thing for him to do here is to kindly hold the door open for me (which in this scenario was obviously my first mistake) gets smacked right in the Italian soda.. With. The. Door. . I only mention his average-ness... because you would expect this kind of behavior from say a well put together, gorgeous.. for lack of a better word .. dick head.
No. I guess the word is out and now all average Joe's are jumping on this a-hole band wagon.
So surprised by this I actually look up to see him chuckle a little as I'm inspecting my clothes.. just knowing that I am now wearing said Italian soda. Shock of the day.. I was not.
He doesn't even open the door to see if I'm ok or offer an apology. Apparently the "thud" wasn't loud enough for him to show any real concern. In fact.. I'm sure there is one lonely cargo short wearing douche out there.. right now at some bar.. relaying to his buddies how funny it was to see "that chick walk right into the door!"
Where did chivalry go?? I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to help some of my male acquaintances get re-acquainted with some appropriate behavior.
1: When you see a girl carrying something heavy, offer to carry it for her.. regardless of whether you know her or not. It's just the nice thing to do!!!
2: Speak in a respectful manner in front of a girl. Ok.. ok.. ok.. don't get me wrong. I can have a potty mouth. I've been known to get frustrated and cuss a little.. but boys.. I don't want to hear all that boy talk. Save it for your locker room buddies. Boys will be boys.. Girls will be girls.. there's things we say that you don't want to hear either.. but we keep it to ourselves for say...pedicure time. Say it over a beer.. not in front of me or my girlfriends.
3:Refrain from staring, commenting or whistling at girls. I hate to break it to you boys.. but whistling does nothing for us. Nothing. We don't like it.. it makes you look incompetent.. and sort of makes it seem like you couldn't come up with anything intelligent to say.. so a whistle was what??? The next best thing.. ?
4:Open doors for girls. This is not hard. It does not take any effort. It wont slow down your day. it wont inconvenience you. In fact.. true story.. my father after 39 years of marriage STILL opens every single door for my mother.. and for his daughters.
5: Pay for the damn date!! If you can't afford to pay for it.. you should probably be working instead of taking me.. or ANY of my girlfriends out.
6: Be attentive. Whether you're a friend.. or on a date.. or.. just the guy in front of me at the best buy.. pay attention... and not just to whistle at me.
7:If chivalry isn't dead.. manners shouldn't be either. Learn some.
8:Walk curb-side. I mention this because not only is it proper etiquette but I think not something men think about. You should always be walking by the road. And.. when passing a stranger you should ALWAYS take the side between her and the stranger. BE A MAN. Show me that if someone wants to rip my bag out of my hand.. you're between me and him.
9:Gestures. I'm not saying you have to buy us flowers.. or anything. We just want to know that you care. We want to know that we're not the last thing on your mind. That you think about us. That's it. It's not hard. It's not complicated. We're girls. We just want to feel like we actually matter. I know. It's strange but it's true. We just want to feel wanted. Simple.
And Finally #10:This rule applies mostly to men in relationships. Don't behave or act in any way away from your significant other that you wouldn't act with them standing right next to you. I know.. seems a little difficult, right?? I mention this mostly because I've been victim to thinking someone was one person.. but the second anything else with legs and brunette hair walked through the door they became someone else. Just some food for thought.. if you can't be proud that you're with the person you're with.. it's probably just best you not be with them.
I could keep going but I think that covers the basics.. as always.. much love.
Monday, December 12, 2011
I flipped my underwear inside-out
Alarm clock. Shower. Make-up. Hair.. Bad hair.
Clothes a little wrinkled... running out the door 10 minutes late after hitting the snooze button 4.. yes 4 times... meant 20 minutes late to work after sitting in the drive through at Starbucks... and breakfast in the form of a chai.. Make that a Venti 8 pump Chai.
Purse. Scarf. Chai. Book. and Phone... I went running across the parking lot through the blissful 20 degree weather only to realize I had forgotten that magical little key card that gets me into the fortress...
Debating between just sitting there in hopes that some key card fairy would arrive and save the day.. or run back through the parking lot in hopes I'd find that stupid little piece of plastic in the console or on the seat of my car.. I finally made it in after convincing some lonely little electric sales new-hire to let me through the door.. apparently there was some question to whether or not I actually worked there.
Wondering why the hell I'd be showing up to RC Willey that early in the morning with a book.. a little bed head.. and an obvious well needed Chai if I did not work there?? Me too. I ought to junk punch that dude.
I tried to sneak in under the radar... I never do ANYTHING under the radar.. my disapproving boss looked at me.. his watch.. and gave me those obvious.. "I'm irritated at you, but I know saying anything to you means I'm going to have to hear some lame excuse for why you're late, AND deal with you".. awesome.
Today was actually an asolutely amazing Monday. Work was pretty slow an uneventful but I'd be lying if I said I didn't have the biggest, dumbest grin on my face all day long. Just one of those days I guess. Twitterpated maybe?? I don't know. Just simply happy.
Aiden had his very first dentist appointment tonight. I can't believe how big he's getting.. and I hate it. He was so proud of himself. No cavities.. No sugar bugs.. and of course getting a new toothbrush and floss was the coolest thing EVER. Mommy buys it for him.. not cool. Dr. Warr gives it to him.. coolest thing ever.
I need to get my little butt to the gym tonight. The most action my gym bag has had all week was when I spilled hot chocolate all over my car and used my gym towel to clean up the mess. I've been lazy, and I feel lazy because of it. Time to go have a little date with the stair climber.
I hope everyone had an amazing monday. Much love -
Clothes a little wrinkled... running out the door 10 minutes late after hitting the snooze button 4.. yes 4 times... meant 20 minutes late to work after sitting in the drive through at Starbucks... and breakfast in the form of a chai.. Make that a Venti 8 pump Chai.
Purse. Scarf. Chai. Book. and Phone... I went running across the parking lot through the blissful 20 degree weather only to realize I had forgotten that magical little key card that gets me into the fortress...
Debating between just sitting there in hopes that some key card fairy would arrive and save the day.. or run back through the parking lot in hopes I'd find that stupid little piece of plastic in the console or on the seat of my car.. I finally made it in after convincing some lonely little electric sales new-hire to let me through the door.. apparently there was some question to whether or not I actually worked there.
Wondering why the hell I'd be showing up to RC Willey that early in the morning with a book.. a little bed head.. and an obvious well needed Chai if I did not work there?? Me too. I ought to junk punch that dude.
I tried to sneak in under the radar... I never do ANYTHING under the radar.. my disapproving boss looked at me.. his watch.. and gave me those obvious.. "I'm irritated at you, but I know saying anything to you means I'm going to have to hear some lame excuse for why you're late, AND deal with you".. awesome.
Today was actually an asolutely amazing Monday. Work was pretty slow an uneventful but I'd be lying if I said I didn't have the biggest, dumbest grin on my face all day long. Just one of those days I guess. Twitterpated maybe?? I don't know. Just simply happy.
Aiden had his very first dentist appointment tonight. I can't believe how big he's getting.. and I hate it. He was so proud of himself. No cavities.. No sugar bugs.. and of course getting a new toothbrush and floss was the coolest thing EVER. Mommy buys it for him.. not cool. Dr. Warr gives it to him.. coolest thing ever.
I need to get my little butt to the gym tonight. The most action my gym bag has had all week was when I spilled hot chocolate all over my car and used my gym towel to clean up the mess. I've been lazy, and I feel lazy because of it. Time to go have a little date with the stair climber.
I hope everyone had an amazing monday. Much love -
Sunday, December 11, 2011
I believe in..
I BELIEVE IN:
Kisses on the forehead, roses on a bad day... and dancing in the rain.
Holding hands, loving with everything, and saying you're sorry... even when it hurts.
I BELIEVE IN:
Butterflies in your stomach, fairytales.. and throwing pennies into a pool...
Giving 110% when you only have 80, learning from your mistakes... and perspective in everything.
I BELIEVE IN:
Jumping in puddles.. singing in your car...and trying everything once, even if you're really no good at it.
I BELIEVE IN:
Dancing like nobody is watching, soaking in every moment and making a complete fool of yourself every chance you get.. as long as you can still smile.
I BELIEVE IN:
Falling in love, falling out of love.. and learning that everyone has to know how to cry.
I BELIEVE:
Time heals everything, nothing in life is a sure thing... and if you never jump, you never know where you could have landed.
Most of all I believe in God.
Kisses on the forehead, roses on a bad day... and dancing in the rain.
Holding hands, loving with everything, and saying you're sorry... even when it hurts.
I BELIEVE IN:
Butterflies in your stomach, fairytales.. and throwing pennies into a pool...
Giving 110% when you only have 80, learning from your mistakes... and perspective in everything.
I BELIEVE IN:
Jumping in puddles.. singing in your car...and trying everything once, even if you're really no good at it.
I BELIEVE IN:
Dancing like nobody is watching, soaking in every moment and making a complete fool of yourself every chance you get.. as long as you can still smile.
I BELIEVE IN:
Falling in love, falling out of love.. and learning that everyone has to know how to cry.
I BELIEVE:
Time heals everything, nothing in life is a sure thing... and if you never jump, you never know where you could have landed.
Most of all I believe in God.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
"You smell like pine needles and have a face like sunshine"
Every night before we go to bed.. I get Aiden all snuggled up in his blankets after we brush the sugar bugs off our teeth and we say our nightly prayer. I NEVER get to say the prayer. These prayers are always the perfect ending to any day. Some days they're more detailed than others.. but every night they melt my heart, and make everything in the world seem so trivial. Tonight's prayer went like this:
"Heavenly Father, thank you for this day. Thank you for Kiwi going to heaven. (Kiwi being our other dog who passed away in March) Thank you for grandma and grandpa staying here. Thank you for my mommy staying here. Please bless Duke (our Great Dane) that he will protect the house from all of the monsters we don't want to kill us. Please bless grandma will let me pretend to shoot bad guys tomorrow. Just pretend. Not real bad guys. Please bless duke doesn't get a sick tummy and go to heaven with Jesus. Please bless us to sleep well so we can get big and strong and grow tall and play football and baseball like Go Utah, tomorrow on Sunday. Please bless mommy that she will let me go outside to play Go Utah. Please bless mommy that she will take me to the zoo tomorrow on Sunday. Please bless us to have good dreams. Thank you for grandma to put up the Christmas tree so Santa will bring us presents. Name of Jesus Christ, Amen."
He's perfection all wrapped up in a 3 year old. Isn't it funny how someone so tiny can hold your entire world in their hands?? Heros come in all shapes and sizes. He's mine.
I've been having a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit this year. I want to.. I want to be happy that it's the holidays but I've honestly been so excited for this year to just be finally over. It seems like Christmas has just become so commercialized that what's the point?? There was literally Christmas stuff out in stores before even Halloween this year. Is that what it's become?? A way for corporate America to make another dime?? It's turned into Black Friday and Online Monday... It should be about spending time with family and about giving to people who don't have the opportunities we have. It should be about cooking and laughing and cherishing. For those out there who are religious it's supposed to be a holiday about the birth of Christ, and about remembering that. Where did that go?? Where did the joy and hope of Christmas go??
I was a little shocked going to the mall this week. It seems like people aren't happy. They're in such a hurry. They drive crazy, they're mean to other people. All in a hustle. For what?? I think I've been honked at more on the road this week that ever in my life. What does cutting me off in traffic, or tapping your foot in line and huffing do?? It must be an imposition to be buying the things you are because I can't even count the number of times you've groaned behind me that the cashier wasn't fast enough.. that they need to get another.
It must be awful to go to your families house for that Christmas dinner ... but did you ever think that there's someone out there who doesn't have a family?? Who wont have a Christmas dinner at all?? Don't get me wrong.. my attitude has been a bit complacent to say the least. I've been struggling to get into the mode myself, and feel a little selfish for wanting to wish it away... I guess that's the thing my son taught me tonight. He wishes and prays for the simplest things... and we as adults only groan that we have to be apart of them.
I got to talk to someone today I've been missing like crazy lately. I think I've had the biggest smile on my face since then. Something so simple made my day... incredible. Also, my amazing Sessie brought me and Naomi dinner tonight at work. We were starving and like a little angel she braved the freezing cold and brought us food!!! Thank you Sessie you are amazing.. and saved me from eating Hershey kisses until 9:00 to stop the hunger... I love you!! (And not just because you brought me dinner ;) )
I hope everyone had an amazing week.. if not, tomorrow is Sunday.. the beginning of a brand new one. Make it amazing. Much love.
"Heavenly Father, thank you for this day. Thank you for Kiwi going to heaven. (Kiwi being our other dog who passed away in March) Thank you for grandma and grandpa staying here. Thank you for my mommy staying here. Please bless Duke (our Great Dane) that he will protect the house from all of the monsters we don't want to kill us. Please bless grandma will let me pretend to shoot bad guys tomorrow. Just pretend. Not real bad guys. Please bless duke doesn't get a sick tummy and go to heaven with Jesus. Please bless us to sleep well so we can get big and strong and grow tall and play football and baseball like Go Utah, tomorrow on Sunday. Please bless mommy that she will let me go outside to play Go Utah. Please bless mommy that she will take me to the zoo tomorrow on Sunday. Please bless us to have good dreams. Thank you for grandma to put up the Christmas tree so Santa will bring us presents. Name of Jesus Christ, Amen."
He's perfection all wrapped up in a 3 year old. Isn't it funny how someone so tiny can hold your entire world in their hands?? Heros come in all shapes and sizes. He's mine.
I've been having a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit this year. I want to.. I want to be happy that it's the holidays but I've honestly been so excited for this year to just be finally over. It seems like Christmas has just become so commercialized that what's the point?? There was literally Christmas stuff out in stores before even Halloween this year. Is that what it's become?? A way for corporate America to make another dime?? It's turned into Black Friday and Online Monday... It should be about spending time with family and about giving to people who don't have the opportunities we have. It should be about cooking and laughing and cherishing. For those out there who are religious it's supposed to be a holiday about the birth of Christ, and about remembering that. Where did that go?? Where did the joy and hope of Christmas go??
I was a little shocked going to the mall this week. It seems like people aren't happy. They're in such a hurry. They drive crazy, they're mean to other people. All in a hustle. For what?? I think I've been honked at more on the road this week that ever in my life. What does cutting me off in traffic, or tapping your foot in line and huffing do?? It must be an imposition to be buying the things you are because I can't even count the number of times you've groaned behind me that the cashier wasn't fast enough.. that they need to get another.
It must be awful to go to your families house for that Christmas dinner ... but did you ever think that there's someone out there who doesn't have a family?? Who wont have a Christmas dinner at all?? Don't get me wrong.. my attitude has been a bit complacent to say the least. I've been struggling to get into the mode myself, and feel a little selfish for wanting to wish it away... I guess that's the thing my son taught me tonight. He wishes and prays for the simplest things... and we as adults only groan that we have to be apart of them.
I got to talk to someone today I've been missing like crazy lately. I think I've had the biggest smile on my face since then. Something so simple made my day... incredible. Also, my amazing Sessie brought me and Naomi dinner tonight at work. We were starving and like a little angel she braved the freezing cold and brought us food!!! Thank you Sessie you are amazing.. and saved me from eating Hershey kisses until 9:00 to stop the hunger... I love you!! (And not just because you brought me dinner ;) )
I hope everyone had an amazing week.. if not, tomorrow is Sunday.. the beginning of a brand new one. Make it amazing. Much love.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Mother Pucker
I just got done eating one of the most incredible.. and most expensive meals I think I'll ever eat in my whole entire life.
You know how typically when you go to some ridiculously expensive restaurant.. you order something you think is just going to amaze you.. because they used 27 big impressive words to describe a steak...only to find out you're paying 50.00 for a slab of meat you could have thrown on a BBQ in your backyard and been more impressed with?? You get all dressed up and shave your legs to be blow away.. and instead end up paying triple what you'd pay anywhere else for the ambiance of a half lit room, a waiter named Franco with an accent you can't understand and the pleasure of using 3 forks instead of 1??
Well, I have a new love... it's Christopher's steak house on Pierpont Ave. If you've never eaten there... I suggest you find someone with a lot of money just burning a hole in their pocket to take you. You will NOT be disappointed. This place was incredible. I might even go as far to say that's it's my new favorite.. and I should know, I think between all of us we ordered half the menu. There wasn't a single thing I tried that I didn't love. I don't think I'll have to eat for 2 days. Everything was delicious. Like a mini party in your mouth delicious ;)
In other news... a girlfriend of mine had me go out on a little mission.. she wants me to start a fashion blog but I don't know about getting into all that.. so I just decided that if you're interested in that kind of thing, you can catch up on the latest thing we're up to on here.
The mission: Find an outfit, for under $100.00 that can be worn to the office/workplace, and easily transformed into something that wears well at dinner/drinks also.
This obviously did not hurt my feelings. Going shopping.. spending some time at the mall.. trying on some amazing clothes.. right up my alley.
Here are my Fashion finds.. I think you'll really love it.
(Yes this pic was taken in the dressing room at H&M.. no cameras allowed? ;) lol) H&M Grey Lace skirt ($34.95) H&M White tailored button up ($19.95) H&M Black Sparkle clutch ($17.95)
You know how typically when you go to some ridiculously expensive restaurant.. you order something you think is just going to amaze you.. because they used 27 big impressive words to describe a steak...only to find out you're paying 50.00 for a slab of meat you could have thrown on a BBQ in your backyard and been more impressed with?? You get all dressed up and shave your legs to be blow away.. and instead end up paying triple what you'd pay anywhere else for the ambiance of a half lit room, a waiter named Franco with an accent you can't understand and the pleasure of using 3 forks instead of 1??
Well, I have a new love... it's Christopher's steak house on Pierpont Ave. If you've never eaten there... I suggest you find someone with a lot of money just burning a hole in their pocket to take you. You will NOT be disappointed. This place was incredible. I might even go as far to say that's it's my new favorite.. and I should know, I think between all of us we ordered half the menu. There wasn't a single thing I tried that I didn't love. I don't think I'll have to eat for 2 days. Everything was delicious. Like a mini party in your mouth delicious ;)
In other news... a girlfriend of mine had me go out on a little mission.. she wants me to start a fashion blog but I don't know about getting into all that.. so I just decided that if you're interested in that kind of thing, you can catch up on the latest thing we're up to on here.
The mission: Find an outfit, for under $100.00 that can be worn to the office/workplace, and easily transformed into something that wears well at dinner/drinks also.
This obviously did not hurt my feelings. Going shopping.. spending some time at the mall.. trying on some amazing clothes.. right up my alley.
Here are my Fashion finds.. I think you'll really love it.
(Yes this pic was taken in the dressing room at H&M.. no cameras allowed? ;) lol) H&M Grey Lace skirt ($34.95) H&M White tailored button up ($19.95) H&M Black Sparkle clutch ($17.95)
Obviously the clutch falls into the dinner drinks portion of this but I figured since it was there.. I was there, I'd give it a little photo op.
Throw on a H&M classic black (or white) tailored tube ($19.95) under your white button up and you get:
I paired this with some really simply, elegant jewelry. A Pandora bracelet that added just a small touch of color, a really simply diamond cocktail ring, and an Alan Friedman pendant. I would keep the jewelry very classic. You don't want to overpower the texture in the skirt and even though this picture doesn't highlight it too well.. the lines and structure in the top.
Success.. I think if we add that up it's 92.80.. and so simple. What do you think??
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Crying over Spilt milk
So I took the night to cry my eyes out. A lot of tears. I don't think I even knew I had that many tears left in me. Eventually you'd think you'd just run out of tears. You don't.
I stayed up most of the night. I ruined my pillow case crying into it. Beat myself up... a lot.... Threw a good old fashioned pity party. I Looked tragic. Let myself feel tragic... and experienced first hand being a complete train wreck.
This morning was interesting. It was one of those morning where you just want to lay in bed. Not get up. Watch lame movies all day as long as it means staying snuggled up in your blankets. My little guy was having a rough morning himself. Everything was a mini meltdown. From brushing his teeth to eating his pancakes. I couldn't even be mad. After all.. I felt just as crappy, and if it weren't for being sick and missing work already this week.. I probably would have just given up and thrown my temper tantrum on the floor right next to him. I didn't feel good. Again.
All I wanted on the way to work was hot chocolate. I knew it would inevitably just make my stomach hurt worse but I figured it was a small price to pay for that peppermint deliciousness.. So.. I stopped at Mcdonalds. By the time I got to work, (a block away) I was wearing my hot chocolate. To be honest I don't even know where it went so wrong.. just know I was happy I had avoided the 2nd degree burns on the inside of my thighs THIS time. And thankful for my unused gym bag in the back seat of my car.. and having a towel to clean up what i should have already assumed would turn into a huge mess.
The funny thing is.. I think the complete irony of not being able to just drink 1 cup of hot chocolate without wearing it, dropping it, spilling it.. made me snap out of it.
Truth is, when God closes a door.. he opens a window. That may sound sort of cliche I guess. Well.. it does but this is my blog so get over it. I kept thinking about what someone said to me last night.. about the only thing to fear is fear itself. I think that's true. Truth is I'm not scared to move forward.. I'm scared of being disappointed. Of being let down. Being hurt. I don't know if my heart could take much more hurt right now... but there's definitely something beautiful about the uncertainty of life.
I realized something.. and maybe it makes me sound dumb for even mentioning it (I will warn you this is the part where I turn into a complete girl) but i realized this morning that it's all still unwritten. Life. It's all still a blank slate. There's something exciting about not knowing what's coming. Not knowing where your life is headed. I've been so focused on being hurt that I didn't realize.. that there's someone out there that is completely new. Someone that's never hurt me.. never made me feel bad about myself. I get to learn about his life. His dreams. His goals. His ambitions. His family. His bad habits. His favorite t-shirt..his favorite football team.. and he get's the good part of me. The part that isn't hurt. The part that isn't damaged, or self conscious. I can smile and be anything because there's no past. There's no room to judge my mistakes.. my tears... only possibility. I don't have to be scared because he's never dissapointed me. I don't know anything about him but I want to know everything about him.
It's funny how taking a step back and getting a little perspective can change.. everything. I got some other good news today, that I don't want to talk about quite yet because I want to make sure it's all real first before I do.. but I feel blessed. I feel like everything is going to be ok. I'm not going to say I'm never going to fall apart ever again.. lord knows I do a good job of doing things the hard way.
I don't know if I say it too much but thanks to my friends and family for being my everything. Mostly my strength. I wish you all knew how much I love you. I hope I tell you enough..
I stayed up most of the night. I ruined my pillow case crying into it. Beat myself up... a lot.... Threw a good old fashioned pity party. I Looked tragic. Let myself feel tragic... and experienced first hand being a complete train wreck.
This morning was interesting. It was one of those morning where you just want to lay in bed. Not get up. Watch lame movies all day as long as it means staying snuggled up in your blankets. My little guy was having a rough morning himself. Everything was a mini meltdown. From brushing his teeth to eating his pancakes. I couldn't even be mad. After all.. I felt just as crappy, and if it weren't for being sick and missing work already this week.. I probably would have just given up and thrown my temper tantrum on the floor right next to him. I didn't feel good. Again.
All I wanted on the way to work was hot chocolate. I knew it would inevitably just make my stomach hurt worse but I figured it was a small price to pay for that peppermint deliciousness.. So.. I stopped at Mcdonalds. By the time I got to work, (a block away) I was wearing my hot chocolate. To be honest I don't even know where it went so wrong.. just know I was happy I had avoided the 2nd degree burns on the inside of my thighs THIS time. And thankful for my unused gym bag in the back seat of my car.. and having a towel to clean up what i should have already assumed would turn into a huge mess.
The funny thing is.. I think the complete irony of not being able to just drink 1 cup of hot chocolate without wearing it, dropping it, spilling it.. made me snap out of it.
Truth is, when God closes a door.. he opens a window. That may sound sort of cliche I guess. Well.. it does but this is my blog so get over it. I kept thinking about what someone said to me last night.. about the only thing to fear is fear itself. I think that's true. Truth is I'm not scared to move forward.. I'm scared of being disappointed. Of being let down. Being hurt. I don't know if my heart could take much more hurt right now... but there's definitely something beautiful about the uncertainty of life.
I realized something.. and maybe it makes me sound dumb for even mentioning it (I will warn you this is the part where I turn into a complete girl) but i realized this morning that it's all still unwritten. Life. It's all still a blank slate. There's something exciting about not knowing what's coming. Not knowing where your life is headed. I've been so focused on being hurt that I didn't realize.. that there's someone out there that is completely new. Someone that's never hurt me.. never made me feel bad about myself. I get to learn about his life. His dreams. His goals. His ambitions. His family. His bad habits. His favorite t-shirt..his favorite football team.. and he get's the good part of me. The part that isn't hurt. The part that isn't damaged, or self conscious. I can smile and be anything because there's no past. There's no room to judge my mistakes.. my tears... only possibility. I don't have to be scared because he's never dissapointed me. I don't know anything about him but I want to know everything about him.
It's funny how taking a step back and getting a little perspective can change.. everything. I got some other good news today, that I don't want to talk about quite yet because I want to make sure it's all real first before I do.. but I feel blessed. I feel like everything is going to be ok. I'm not going to say I'm never going to fall apart ever again.. lord knows I do a good job of doing things the hard way.
I don't know if I say it too much but thanks to my friends and family for being my everything. Mostly my strength. I wish you all knew how much I love you. I hope I tell you enough..
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
In bed with the enemy
2011. It has been such a hard year. I wont say it's the worst that I've ever had.. because to be honest, I think I've learned more about myself in this last year than I ever have in my whole life. I guess it's true what they say.. you have to hit the bottom to find yourself. That when you find the bottom, the only direction you have left to go is up.
I can't believe that it's already December. I don't want to wish away the holidays, but I want this year to be over. I want a new start. I want to find my life again. Every time I think I'm taking a step forward.. I feel like I take 3 back. The pain hits again. The fear hits again. The weakness hits again.
I don't like change. I don't like being unsure. I read something recently that said that "when you fear change, you fear everything." I don't want to be like that. I know it's true. So, so true. You can't be scared of life just because it's moving forward. Life doesn't stop. Time doesn't stand still... it's only you that doesn't progress. Life doesn't wait for anyone.. even if you want it to.
I would never pretend to have more struggles than anyone else. In fact, I know that there are several people in my immediate life that are going through hardships so much worse than mine. My heart is with them always, and it makes me feel selfish for thinking that the problems that I have are even problems. I wish I knew how to separate myself from it and be strong. I envy people that are strong. That let it all roll off... and then there's me. Replaying it all over and over in my head. Trying to let go of it all.
I got asked to do a runway bridal fashion show today. I'm truly flattered.. it's not the first time that I've done any modeling.. but it is the first time that I've been asked to do any runway since I was about 18. Lol.. when you're barely 5'4'' it's not really runway material. I guess they figure that with 5'' heels on and a dress to cover it up I'll be just fine. I don't know if I can do it. I want to but it just seems so soon with everything that happened. I don't want to wear wedding dresses. It brought up a lot of pain. Don't get me wrong.. I'm happy about where I am in my life. Not getting married was not the end of the world. In fact I would have been stepping into a huge lie and an awful situation, but it doesn't stop the hurt from coming back to the surface. I'm a girl.. I'm programmed to want the big day right?? I can't pretend that the idea of it all doesn't freak me out a little bit... and the other part of me wants to just be brave. Get the hell over it. Stop wasting good opportunities because of my damn fear. Fear is such an ugly little emotion.
This week has kind of been hard. I haven't felt that great this week.. and I've noticed that when I'm not feeling good, and my stomach is a mess, my other emotions get the best of me. When you feel crappy it's sort of hard to put a smile on just to save face. Plus new to the list of aillments.. hives. What the eff are hives even for? They're awful. I wish I could rip the first layer of my skin off.. and to be honest, if I itch much longer I probably will.
Do you ever feel like people just don't get you? Like there's no one that really truly understands? I want to believe that there's good people out there. I know that there are, my faith and trust in people has just been so damaged. It's sad to admit but it's scary to believe in people.. even scarier when someone is actually genuine. Like I can't believe that it's true.. or that I really deserve it. I hate that... and I don't want to ruin anything that's real because I'm scared that it's a lie... I'm lucky, I have amazing friends in my life. Thank you all for being so patient with me.
Anywho.. I just realized how depressing my first blog was getting.. and I want people to actually read it lol. I promise they wont all be like this ;) Thanks for reading. Much love.
I can't believe that it's already December. I don't want to wish away the holidays, but I want this year to be over. I want a new start. I want to find my life again. Every time I think I'm taking a step forward.. I feel like I take 3 back. The pain hits again. The fear hits again. The weakness hits again.
I don't like change. I don't like being unsure. I read something recently that said that "when you fear change, you fear everything." I don't want to be like that. I know it's true. So, so true. You can't be scared of life just because it's moving forward. Life doesn't stop. Time doesn't stand still... it's only you that doesn't progress. Life doesn't wait for anyone.. even if you want it to.
I would never pretend to have more struggles than anyone else. In fact, I know that there are several people in my immediate life that are going through hardships so much worse than mine. My heart is with them always, and it makes me feel selfish for thinking that the problems that I have are even problems. I wish I knew how to separate myself from it and be strong. I envy people that are strong. That let it all roll off... and then there's me. Replaying it all over and over in my head. Trying to let go of it all.
I got asked to do a runway bridal fashion show today. I'm truly flattered.. it's not the first time that I've done any modeling.. but it is the first time that I've been asked to do any runway since I was about 18. Lol.. when you're barely 5'4'' it's not really runway material. I guess they figure that with 5'' heels on and a dress to cover it up I'll be just fine. I don't know if I can do it. I want to but it just seems so soon with everything that happened. I don't want to wear wedding dresses. It brought up a lot of pain. Don't get me wrong.. I'm happy about where I am in my life. Not getting married was not the end of the world. In fact I would have been stepping into a huge lie and an awful situation, but it doesn't stop the hurt from coming back to the surface. I'm a girl.. I'm programmed to want the big day right?? I can't pretend that the idea of it all doesn't freak me out a little bit... and the other part of me wants to just be brave. Get the hell over it. Stop wasting good opportunities because of my damn fear. Fear is such an ugly little emotion.
This week has kind of been hard. I haven't felt that great this week.. and I've noticed that when I'm not feeling good, and my stomach is a mess, my other emotions get the best of me. When you feel crappy it's sort of hard to put a smile on just to save face. Plus new to the list of aillments.. hives. What the eff are hives even for? They're awful. I wish I could rip the first layer of my skin off.. and to be honest, if I itch much longer I probably will.
Do you ever feel like people just don't get you? Like there's no one that really truly understands? I want to believe that there's good people out there. I know that there are, my faith and trust in people has just been so damaged. It's sad to admit but it's scary to believe in people.. even scarier when someone is actually genuine. Like I can't believe that it's true.. or that I really deserve it. I hate that... and I don't want to ruin anything that's real because I'm scared that it's a lie... I'm lucky, I have amazing friends in my life. Thank you all for being so patient with me.
Anywho.. I just realized how depressing my first blog was getting.. and I want people to actually read it lol. I promise they wont all be like this ;) Thanks for reading. Much love.
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