I thought today would be a perfect morning to get my butt to the gym. After a weekend of (baking) and eating everything bad in sight.. along with starting the morning off particularly stressed the eff out... I thought I would go and run off all of my extra anxiety.
I walked into the gym... welcomed by the beautiful smell of man sweat and the sound of people running on treadmills.... and that's when it happened...
That's when I saw...... him.
The meat head stalker himself. Standing between me and the stair climber..
As though the universe had set me up for this.
Hoping he wouldn't recognize me with the brown hair, I immediately headed straight for the machines and was greeted with an "oh God, it's YOU again" look.
That awkward moment when I realized he was staring RIGHT at me, and not only did he recognize me.. he was taking EVERY available second to judge me.
So, I did what any self respecting girl would do.. sucked in, stood up pin straight.. and asked him if he had "been taking a break from working out lately... I've never seen you look this.........small....
well.... here's to YOU getting back at it ;)"
I gave myself a mental pat on the back as I watched him walk away, staring at his biceps, arms stretched out in front, fists closed, flexing for himself.
He even took a small, but very noticeable break at the mirror next to the water fountain feeling his own arms up.
I turned on the Stair Climber and thought "oh lord... I'M the one who's been taking the break.."
But, I couldn't let HIM see that.........
so I up'd the levels a little bit.
I guess it's good motivation, because while he was busy groping his own arms, I was KILLING myself to keep up the pace I had set. (for myself mind you.... I actually made a CONSCIOUS decision to be RUNNING up the stair climber.)
I waited until the very last available second after he walked into the free weight room to stop the machine before my heart literally burst out of my chest.... or my legs fell out from under me. I guess either of those happening would have been completely worth it in that moment, because lord knows I wouldn't have had it any other way.
I went out to the parking lot and puked.
BUT If I know him.. and I think I do.... he's probably upping the juice.... right now.
Me: 2 Meathead: 0
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Sunday, May 27, 2012
You haven't jumped... yet.
Your heart is racing... your knees are buckling...
Your palms are sweaty... there's a ringing in your ears.
The room is spinning... and time stands still...
but you haven't jumped.
you haven't jumped....... yet.
You don't want to let go... it's like you'd hold on forever but you can't stop a freight train. You can stand on the tracks but you can't stop it from coming.
And the only sound you hear is your heart trying to beat out of your chest.
You think you're strong but you don't feel strong. In fact, you've never felt this weak.
Everything you do is a compilation of who you are.
If you think about it..... everything you've done up to this moment makes up the person standing there. The person standing there...
the person falling apart.
Tomorrow isn't written so you have to lean on everything you've been up to this point... but were you honest? With yourself?
There's church bells in the background. You want to soak it up. You want to soak up every second... knowing that you have so little time, but you're so distracted.
Holding the tears in...keeping them from falling down your face has taken over every other function.
You weren't supposed to be this upset... because it wasn't supposed to be this hard.
You know you have to pull it together. You have to move forward. You have to be brave.
Your palms are sweaty... there's a ringing in your ears.
The room is spinning... and time stands still...
but you haven't jumped.
you haven't jumped....... yet.
You don't want to let go... it's like you'd hold on forever but you can't stop a freight train. You can stand on the tracks but you can't stop it from coming.
And the only sound you hear is your heart trying to beat out of your chest.
You think you're strong but you don't feel strong. In fact, you've never felt this weak.
Everything you do is a compilation of who you are.
If you think about it..... everything you've done up to this moment makes up the person standing there. The person standing there...
the person falling apart.
Tomorrow isn't written so you have to lean on everything you've been up to this point... but were you honest? With yourself?
There's church bells in the background. You want to soak it up. You want to soak up every second... knowing that you have so little time, but you're so distracted.
Holding the tears in...keeping them from falling down your face has taken over every other function.
You weren't supposed to be this upset... because it wasn't supposed to be this hard.
You know you have to pull it together. You have to move forward. You have to be brave.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
"Goodbye's are like a roulette wheel"
"Goodbye's are like a Roulette wheel, you never know where they're going to land"
I understand the reason why God brings people into our lives... it's when he takes them out of our lives that I don't fully understand.
Sometimes I think there's good in goodbye. Sometimes... I think that moving on with your life is when you give yourself the most clear and authentic opportunity to grow. Generally, I don't think it's the journey that brings certainty. I think it's hindsight..
I think looking back on the struggles, even the smiles... that's when you can truly see yourself...
but what if you're not ready for goodbye? Or it isn't a bad situation? Or you didn't have enough time yet??
What if you saw it all standing right in front of you, and it's taken away?
I guess one of the tragic and beautiful things about life is that it can all change on a dime. You have to make a conscious effort to soak up the moments and memories because it can all suddenly be taken away. That's a hard, hard lesson to learn... and normally it's one that you don't learn unless you've been forced to.
I was faced with my morality at the age of 20... and still I find myself asking questions I should already have the answers to... but I do know without that experience I would have looked past a lot of the joy I've had in the last 5 years also.
I don't know what to do really...
Do you fight for something that's leaving, knowing that you probably can't stop it even if you want to? Do you bow out gracefully? Do you send it away, praying that something will bring it back? Do you chalk it up for what it was... good memories... good laughs.. and watch it walk away?
There's a lot of things I believe strongly in... but this I don't have an answer to. How are you supposed to know? How do you know what to fight for and what to let go of?
I pray but I feel like I get turned in circles. I meditate... work out... and still I don't know what screams louder... my head or my heart. And which one is right? Which one am I supposed to listen to? Logic or emotion?
What do you think?
I understand the reason why God brings people into our lives... it's when he takes them out of our lives that I don't fully understand.
Sometimes I think there's good in goodbye. Sometimes... I think that moving on with your life is when you give yourself the most clear and authentic opportunity to grow. Generally, I don't think it's the journey that brings certainty. I think it's hindsight..
I think looking back on the struggles, even the smiles... that's when you can truly see yourself...
but what if you're not ready for goodbye? Or it isn't a bad situation? Or you didn't have enough time yet??
What if you saw it all standing right in front of you, and it's taken away?
I guess one of the tragic and beautiful things about life is that it can all change on a dime. You have to make a conscious effort to soak up the moments and memories because it can all suddenly be taken away. That's a hard, hard lesson to learn... and normally it's one that you don't learn unless you've been forced to.
I was faced with my morality at the age of 20... and still I find myself asking questions I should already have the answers to... but I do know without that experience I would have looked past a lot of the joy I've had in the last 5 years also.
I don't know what to do really...
Do you fight for something that's leaving, knowing that you probably can't stop it even if you want to? Do you bow out gracefully? Do you send it away, praying that something will bring it back? Do you chalk it up for what it was... good memories... good laughs.. and watch it walk away?
There's a lot of things I believe strongly in... but this I don't have an answer to. How are you supposed to know? How do you know what to fight for and what to let go of?
I pray but I feel like I get turned in circles. I meditate... work out... and still I don't know what screams louder... my head or my heart. And which one is right? Which one am I supposed to listen to? Logic or emotion?
What do you think?
Thursday, May 17, 2012
12:30.9
12:30.9
It has been a hard few months... Actually, it feels like my "hard few months" is coming up on a year. Most of you, who are close to me have been there through it all.. and know why it's been a long hard road.
Tonight I decided to throw on my running shoes... which by the way, a strong word of advice... don't take your good (dusty) running shoes to Moab and think that the next time you go running you won't be running in sand.
It's like a work out, AND foot exfoliation.
This week I will be buying myself new running shoes.
Because of my health.. I have been a stranger to working out lately ..
So insanely discouraged about a lot of things today, a good friend of mine gave me some amazing and well needed advice..
"You know your body better than any doctor ever will.. you know your strengths, and you make your own limitations."
Well I'm going to be honest, running a 12:30.9 street mile tonight wasn't exactly what I had hoped for. I made the mistake of timing myself... knowing that you can't just hop back on the band wagon after taking such a long break... I didn't think that it wouldn't be quite THAT bad.. but, it also gives me a starting point for getting back to where I need to be again.. and where I feel comfortable again.
Also... I need new ear phones. There's nothing more irritating in this world than trying to run with ear buds that just won't stay in your damn ears!! And I dropped my good set in the bath tub. I wish there was some better story for that... but there's just not.
P.S. have you ever been running in the dark and been violently molested by a cobweb?
It's actually the worst experience EVER...
EVER!!
You're all sweaty, so that fine, stringy web shit just sticks to your unexpecting face like a c h a m p i o n.
Running.... running... running..... BAM!! Sheer horror.
I probably added 30 seconds to my run time jumping up and down whimpering like a little girl.. trying to figure out how to get my sports bra up far enough to wipe off my damn face. I'm sure my neighbors LOVED the crazy girl on the street, jumping in circles, clawing at her own face.... swearing at a tree... fence... tree... lol (but I guess it is glendale ;) )
Anyway... I've felt intimidated lately. So, so self conscious. Discouraged. Tired.
But, my friend is right. I can't let some doctor(s) set my limitations. I have to do it for myself.
Thank you to everyone who has been by my side. The ones who have never given up on me. Who love me and support me... even through the tears. Even through the extra pounds lol.
It has been a hard few months... Actually, it feels like my "hard few months" is coming up on a year. Most of you, who are close to me have been there through it all.. and know why it's been a long hard road.
Tonight I decided to throw on my running shoes... which by the way, a strong word of advice... don't take your good (dusty) running shoes to Moab and think that the next time you go running you won't be running in sand.
It's like a work out, AND foot exfoliation.
This week I will be buying myself new running shoes.
Because of my health.. I have been a stranger to working out lately ..
So insanely discouraged about a lot of things today, a good friend of mine gave me some amazing and well needed advice..
"You know your body better than any doctor ever will.. you know your strengths, and you make your own limitations."
Well I'm going to be honest, running a 12:30.9 street mile tonight wasn't exactly what I had hoped for. I made the mistake of timing myself... knowing that you can't just hop back on the band wagon after taking such a long break... I didn't think that it wouldn't be quite THAT bad.. but, it also gives me a starting point for getting back to where I need to be again.. and where I feel comfortable again.
Also... I need new ear phones. There's nothing more irritating in this world than trying to run with ear buds that just won't stay in your damn ears!! And I dropped my good set in the bath tub. I wish there was some better story for that... but there's just not.
P.S. have you ever been running in the dark and been violently molested by a cobweb?
It's actually the worst experience EVER...
EVER!!
You're all sweaty, so that fine, stringy web shit just sticks to your unexpecting face like a c h a m p i o n.
Running.... running... running..... BAM!! Sheer horror.
I probably added 30 seconds to my run time jumping up and down whimpering like a little girl.. trying to figure out how to get my sports bra up far enough to wipe off my damn face. I'm sure my neighbors LOVED the crazy girl on the street, jumping in circles, clawing at her own face.... swearing at a tree... fence... tree... lol (but I guess it is glendale ;) )
Anyway... I've felt intimidated lately. So, so self conscious. Discouraged. Tired.
But, my friend is right. I can't let some doctor(s) set my limitations. I have to do it for myself.
Thank you to everyone who has been by my side. The ones who have never given up on me. Who love me and support me... even through the tears. Even through the extra pounds lol.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
When life gives you lemons, say f*** you lemons!
Today was a completely terrible day.. it seemed like it didn't matter where I looked, or what I did.. the universe was just simply out to hate me today.
Isn't it funny though how something as dumb as a text from an amazing friend at 12:20 in the morning when you're on the verge of completely falling apart can turn it all around? I don't know why you text me, its been a million years since I last talked to you... but I'm so, so grateful that you did.
It's been a long time since I've blogged.. (notice no one's been complaining about missing it?? hahaha) but since my mind is running a million miles a minute I thought I would catch up on some things going on.. since I know the last thing that's going to happen right now is sleep.
First of all.. my hair is brown.
Against my will.
Thank you to a tiny Asian woman I trusted with my eyebrows and some "tint".
Remember that reference I recently made to me and Courtney Love.....
Well let's just say with jet black eyebrows, there was nothing left to separate the two.
The lesson I learned???
When a little asian woman goes..
"ahhhhhh.... I tink too dhaaark, too dhaaark...... oooh toooo daark"
immediately start crying.
The good news is, everyone else seems to like it... I'm simply scared bleaching it will make all my hair fall out.
I went skydiving a few weeks ago. I'm actually surprised I haven't blogged about it yet because I had been waiting for months to go, and with all the hype I allowed my little heart to create about how much I was going to love it, it did not disappoint. It was honestly one of the most incredible things I've ever done, and I highly recommend it to anyone who isn't afraid of putting their entire life into someone else's hands for a couple of minutes. Plus, Moab is incredible. I don't think there's a single thing about that place that I don't absolutely love. There's something so majestic about it to me. Well probably not just to me, I'm sure a lot of people feel that way... but falling out of an airplane over it ain't bad either.
Aiden turned 4 on Friday. As proud as I am of him, it's still so heartbreaking to me that he's already that big. I was thinking about this tonight.. my best friend is currently in labor and getting ready to have her baby boy today. Speaking from experience I know that Mother's Day is the best day ever to have a baby. You cannot ask for a gift more amazing than that. I'm still a little blown away that we both will have popped them out on Mommy's day. (Sorry for the word usage daddy) What are the odds of that?!?
4 Years ago I was in the hospital getting ready to welcome the little guy who would instantly steal my heart, and change my entire world. Up to the moment he came I was absolutely terrified... and the second I saw him I knew I'd never be the same again. Isn't it crazy how you can immediately love something you've never looked at?? THAT is where "love at first sight" came from. The fairy tales have it all wrong. That little boy has had me tied around his finger ever since. Just me and him. It's no exaggeration to say that he's the love of my life.
Anyway I'm going to keep this short.. Happy Mother's Day to all the amazing mothers I know.
Isn't it funny though how something as dumb as a text from an amazing friend at 12:20 in the morning when you're on the verge of completely falling apart can turn it all around? I don't know why you text me, its been a million years since I last talked to you... but I'm so, so grateful that you did.
It's been a long time since I've blogged.. (notice no one's been complaining about missing it?? hahaha) but since my mind is running a million miles a minute I thought I would catch up on some things going on.. since I know the last thing that's going to happen right now is sleep.
First of all.. my hair is brown.
Against my will.
Thank you to a tiny Asian woman I trusted with my eyebrows and some "tint".
Remember that reference I recently made to me and Courtney Love.....
Well let's just say with jet black eyebrows, there was nothing left to separate the two.
The lesson I learned???
When a little asian woman goes..
"ahhhhhh.... I tink too dhaaark, too dhaaark...... oooh toooo daark"
immediately start crying.
The good news is, everyone else seems to like it... I'm simply scared bleaching it will make all my hair fall out.
I went skydiving a few weeks ago. I'm actually surprised I haven't blogged about it yet because I had been waiting for months to go, and with all the hype I allowed my little heart to create about how much I was going to love it, it did not disappoint. It was honestly one of the most incredible things I've ever done, and I highly recommend it to anyone who isn't afraid of putting their entire life into someone else's hands for a couple of minutes. Plus, Moab is incredible. I don't think there's a single thing about that place that I don't absolutely love. There's something so majestic about it to me. Well probably not just to me, I'm sure a lot of people feel that way... but falling out of an airplane over it ain't bad either.
Aiden turned 4 on Friday. As proud as I am of him, it's still so heartbreaking to me that he's already that big. I was thinking about this tonight.. my best friend is currently in labor and getting ready to have her baby boy today. Speaking from experience I know that Mother's Day is the best day ever to have a baby. You cannot ask for a gift more amazing than that. I'm still a little blown away that we both will have popped them out on Mommy's day. (Sorry for the word usage daddy) What are the odds of that?!?
4 Years ago I was in the hospital getting ready to welcome the little guy who would instantly steal my heart, and change my entire world. Up to the moment he came I was absolutely terrified... and the second I saw him I knew I'd never be the same again. Isn't it crazy how you can immediately love something you've never looked at?? THAT is where "love at first sight" came from. The fairy tales have it all wrong. That little boy has had me tied around his finger ever since. Just me and him. It's no exaggeration to say that he's the love of my life.
Anyway I'm going to keep this short.. Happy Mother's Day to all the amazing mothers I know.
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