A Baby Changes Everything

Out of all of the things in my life I'm so insanely blessed with and grateful for, my baby is my greatest blessing.. and greatest accomplishment. 

I know that everyone says they have the most incredible kid(s) in the world... maybe it's because we're already pre-designed as parents to think that our children are perfection, but I'm truly so blessed to have the son I do. 

He means more to me than I could ever put into words, or express.

It's funny I never really wrote about my labor and delivery because it was such an overwhelmingly emotional experience. Bringing him into this world. 

I didn't really go about it the "traditional" way. In fact.. being honest.. there was a lot of people who were mad. A lot of people who looked down on me for my "mistake." Who judged me. 

But what most of "them" didn't know... was that this "mistake" I made would end up saving my life. That my "mistake" would end up being my whole entire world. 

It's never been easy. From day 1. In fact it's been incredibly hard, and at times incredibly lonely. 

I never went to any birthing classes.. I didn't read any books. I didn't spend my nights looking up symptoms on Web MD... or any of it really. 

I didn't want to sit in a class by myself. Watching all these husbands and wives go through it together. Since day 1 it's just been me and my little guy.. so I figured we'd just figure it out together. Whatever that meant. 

Actually.... the only thing I ever read... or held on to for whatever reason was that when you deliver, you want to hear your baby cry. That it meant he was getting air and breathing on his own. 

I remember that's all I could think about. The second I had him.. with all the chaos, it's like everything around us fell quiet and I just thought "Cry. Please just cry.... please."

It's funny... after months and months and months of wishing tears would just go away... I was praying with everything inside of me.... with everything I had, to hear that little boy just cry. 

They handed him to me and... I don't know. I guess if you've never been through it there's not a great way to explain that emotion. It's like...... I had spent months knowing that this was going to change my entire life... but holding him changed me. 

I cut his umbilical cord.. they took him to clean him up and I just remember I just wanted him back. I just wanted to hold him. 

It's strange. I've never been more at peace... ever than I was in that moment. He was here. We did it. We did it together. Me and him. 

That's how it's always been. Me and him. 

He's only 4 but he's my hero. 

There's been so many times that I thought it was all falling apart, and without even knowing it, he's kept it all together. 

He could put a smile on even the worst of broken hearts. And he has a heart that I only wish I could have. 

I don't know how I ended up with him... but I know I'll spend every day thanking God that he's mine.