"Fly away my little bird.. go and tell the world"'

There's very few moments in life that change the course of ourselves... I mean actually really change you. Those pivotal moments that stop you, shake you, that make you question everything you are. Those moments that take your breath way, but not the incredible "wow" moments.. I mean the heart wrenching, train sitting on your chest.. "God, just please let me breath!!!" moments.

Sometimes, when you sit really quiet.. and all that's left is the own discouraging thoughts in your head you find that you aren't as strong as everyone thinks you are. You aren't as put together, polished.

No...

Damn it. In fact you're a complete. Freaking. Mess.

I feel like these moments should be few and far between, but I'm not talking about the "I'd rather sit in my sweats all day and Pinterest my entire life into a beautiful board that makes me look crafty.. I mean the ones that break your heart so deeply that you aren't sure you'll ever be the same.

 They make you so aware of everything. Every person, every crack... every wrinkle. They show you pain and intolerance. They show you tears... but not those stupid fake tears you let fall for some guy who "broke your heart" once .. I'm talking about the ones so heavy that no one could ever possibly understand that they carry the weight of the whole entire world in them.

The ones that break only when they hit the floor after falling into your eyes, across your cheek... onto your arm. The ones that fall down your nose and onto your chest and just sit there like they're waiting to be brushed away just like you are.

Normally, these tears are mine. And mine alone. Tonight however, sitting in my parents kitchen.. crying with my dad about things we cannot change I realized how desperately we were crying the same tears.

There's something life altering about your hero crying that way. I felt every tear of his rolling down my back while his broken words told me how sorry he was that he couldn't take away my pain or give me a body that wanted to just be strong... and I don't want to be a burden, not to him.

A few years ago, while I was lying in a hospital bed my dad broke down and he started yelling for me to get up.. to just get up and walk. That I had to get up and walk because if I didn't I was going to die in that bed. I remember the fear and the pain in his eyes knowing that I couldn't. That it didn't matter. That no amount of yelling at me.. or my body.. or a doctor was going to make a damn difference.. and I felt that tonight.

He apologized for not being strong enough to know how to make it better.. just tears.

I don't know what to do with the weight of the world right now.. If I could tie it all to a string and sit in a Cherry Tree I would. I'd let it dangle in the sun. And I'd fly away.

Dear Jon,

This has been the strangest week for me..

One of the saddest and happiest weeks I've ever experienced. My Tawni babes is getting married today to the love of her life and I could not be happier for her, but you went away and I'm still trying to figure out how to say goodbye.

Spending the last little while with you taught me so many things about life and love and family and friendship. It brought me back to a really.. scary and humble place in my heart that I haven't visited for a long time.

You taught me hope. You also taught me to get my damn life back into perspective. There was once a time when I knew all about the place that you were. Being in a hospital, trying to hold hope but knowing maybe that didn't make sense.

Thank you for the last few months. I will forever hold in my heart you telling me that you weren't scared.. because I was. You never stopped smiling.

Right before you left the whole world was so peaceful. You were peaceful. Someone came and cleansed the room, and us, and shortly after everything went quiet and you left us.

Thank you for the last hug you gave me. Thank you for all of it. For every minute I would never trade for anything.

I saw Shauna this morning, she looked beautiful... like she always does, everything about her is beautiful, most of all her heart.

I thought I was doing ok today.. and then I cut up a cucumber this morning and I fell apart. Completely apart. The water works.. all of it. I was holding a knife so I set that down, you and I both know that cucumbers shouldn't make anyone cry. Ever.

I've had this internal struggle for days now about not being able to be there for you today, and for Shauna. Life has funny timing sometimes. I want you to know that even though I can't be there for your party.... I'm thinking about you and love and miss you so damn much.

I didn't know what to do.. but I think you and I had our goodbyes. It's a really beautiful thing that the last thing you said to me was "I love you so much Liz".. and I got to say it back. I think that was a really incredible memory to leave behind for both of us.

I have to give Tawni away today... funny thing is I don't think I'm ready for that either.. but I hope you understand. Please know I would give the world to be with you today.. and really I am. She just needs a lot of love today too, and I don't want to miss holding her hand when it matters either... I hope I held your hand when it mattered the most to you.

High five God for me today... or something crazy. Just no rap songs in heaven ;)

I love you, forever and always Jon
Walk with God.

Bruises

When I was little.... cuts and bruises were a sign of adolescence, of our ignorance... of freedom. We might have feared something, but we'd never let each other know that. Cuts were cool... but most importantly, the bruises got the boys ;)

In my early 20's (how painful it is that I can refer to them as the "early 20's") bruises came from the hands of a man who used fear to use me. Bruises became.... cliche... covered up by clothes, covered up by make-up.... covered up by lies. Bruises became a sign of my weakness. Something I used to wear as a badge of honor when I was young... even when I was a teenager had turned into silence. I lived with bruises in quiet.

I didn't boast.

I didn't show them off.

As much time as I spent hiding them from everyone, I spent hiding them from myself.

When I became a mommy of a little guy.. bruises became a way of life. Bruises turned into hugs, and kisses on scrapped knees...

Today I realized the impact of bruises on the heart.

I guess it's hard to explain that... and if I tried, for all the many reasons I'm feeling this way, this blog would be a novel.

I sat there today... staring at my phone. I literally watched the time count down to the moment I could get my little guy. I don't think I've ever been so determined to see him in my life.

I went plowing through the day care like a bull in a china shop...... the second I saw him, tears pouring down his face.

I wanted to be strong. I wanted to pretend that my heart didn't hurt... that I was ok. Instead a million bad decisions just ran down my face. I realized my whole entire world was hurting, and I couldn't hold it back. No matter how I wanted to.

Part of me just wanted to tell him it was going to be ok.. but I didn't even have the words to lie. I realized how insane I must have looked standing in the middle of legos.... crying.

I need some inspiration.