Chocolate Covered Lies

I used to think that the hardest thing ever was someone ... "him" not loving me the way I wanted. It turns out... it's someone loving me exactly the way I always wanted "him" to.

There was some point today that I realized letting go of the past meant I had to take a step forward... or a step at all. I haven't done that in awhile. I've been so stagnant. Actually... I didn't even mean to take a step forward. I absolutely without a doubt launched myself into it... I just did it.. and I can honestly say I don't think I've ever been so terrified in my whole entire life. It just happened. AND if I told you what it was that was such a HUGE step.. you'd be embarrassed and confused for me. SO just know I did something I haven't done... in a very, very long time. I can't even remember how long.. and I meant it. I whole heartedly meant it. That's what's absolutely crazy.

I like my comfortable little bubble. I like the things inside of it. I like them the same. I don't like them to change. I feel safe that way. I feel safe knowing that the things and people around me are there and will stay there. I guess that's why I never saw much sense in having a million friends... or winning some popularity contest. At the end of the day it's the people you can cry with that stay. The people you can tell your secrets to. The ones that see you on the bad days... ya know??

In fact. I've never met a person who thought I was perfect, who stayed around long enough to find out that I wasn't.... or who bothered to stay around very long after they figured it out.

I'm so abrasive. Is that the right word? I don't know. I don't like sugar coating things because what is a chocolate covered lie??? It hurts worse when you realize you were fooled into it all looking pretty.

Anyway does that sound like useless mumbo jumbo?? I promise it's not. In fact I have several people in my life very close to me who are going through (for lack of a better generic word) breakups. And without grave details... not very pleasant ones.

I found myself today texting.. talking.. calling.. all of them. Like word vomit. Like I'm some great expert on "relationship advice." Like the unemotionally available girl can talk someone through a heartbreak. I found myself saying all the things that I HATED when people used to say to me...

The "It will be okays"... the "You're better off without her"... the "I know this sucks now, I've been there too.."

Does that really help anyone?? I don't know. Hopefully it's not the lack of words that I had but that I honestly, truly, sincerely care about these people. I've honestly been there. I've cried. Screamed. Yelled. All of it. Don't you just wish you could shake it out of them...? Lord don't I just wish someone could have just shaken it out of me SO much sooner. I guess everyone comes to it in their own time. I just hate knowing the pain they're in and not being able to do a damn thing about it except tell them that it won't hurt forever.

Here's the thing though, It won't. As dumb and cliche and ... hypocritical as that sounds. It doesn't last forever. I know... because one day there will be someone... who changes your whole life. Who takes every bad day away, and makes you smile again. Who... scares the hell out of you because for the first time... you remember what it's like to be scared you were going to lose something you don't ever want to let go of.

Soon the wounds will be scars. You won't forget them.. they'll only help you grow, and rather than building walls to keep them out.. you'll pray to God they knock them down.