Raw

Do you ever just want to run?? To the middle of no where? Just run.. and run.. no where to even go.. no direction... just run and run and not stop? Not ever stop??

You don't know what's ahead.. you don't know what you're even running towards but you just don't want to stand still? Because it hurts to just stand still?

Someone asked me today what the "real" story behind a few things in my recent past was. I didn't want to tell them really.. but to be honest it kind of felt nice that someone asked. That someone wanted to know my side. Wanted to hear what I had to say. .. By the end though they didn't believe it. Like I had made up the stories. Like I could actually gain something from lying about it... and it made me so hurt and shut down. This is the reason that I keep my big fat mouth shut. This is the reason I don't talk. This is the reason it hurts to trust... because the truth???? ... you don't believe.

What!?!?! Because I was quiet about it before?? Because I didn't say it while it was happening now I'm just making it up?? No wonder I don't say the things I've said!!

This same person said I was acting weak. That I was letting it all get to me...

I have been a single mom for 3 1/2 years. From every diaper.. and every cold.. every nightmare.. every birthday.. every haircut.. every Dr. appt.. every bath.. every sleepless night.. I have been a single mom. Does that make me a saint? No. Just alone.

I haven't had a boyfriend/fiance (whatever) in over 3 years that lived in the same state as me. Most holidays have been spent all alone.. or with my 3 year old. You hear an "I love you" through a telephone.. or Skype if you both have the time. If you're lucky flowers show up on your birthday.. and forget going on a "double date" or a double.. anything. You get an actual date.. a couple times a year??

You don't know what I went through.. you have NO idea about the lies, the hurt.. the pain. As God is my witness you couldn't possibly.. and what's worse is you ask and you don't believe.

Maybe that makes me weak.. I don't know.. maybe this all sounds just like a pity party.. and you know what? Maybe it is. But how can you judge something you know nothing about?

I say that I'm tired of being alone and you tell me that I'm too co-dependent on someone. But I haven't actually had someone.. in years. So how can I be co-dependent on that?

Why is it so easy to judge me and so hard to just be my friend? Why is it not OK to see me cry if you've never seen me cry before? Did you never stop to think that maybe I just need a friend? That maybe I don't have it all together? And maybe.. just maybe there's more to it than you think?