Falling apart is easy. Giving up.. playing the victim. All easy. It's easy to cry.. it's easy to give into the sadness. It's easy to let yourself hurt.
The hard part is the picking yourself back up. The moving forward. The being strong after it all falls apart. When it all crashes down.. putting it all back together.
I'm not saying this to be some saint. I'm saying it because I need it... So much more than I could ever explain tonight. The being strong. Figuring out how to be strong. I'm well aware that sometimes you just have to let the pain take it's course.. and I promise I'm not saying it's not ok to cry.
I got hit with the past this morning. With a very painful past. Isn't life funny? Just when you start to get it all put back together, it seems like that's the moment that it all just falls apart again. I wasn't ready for this today. I wasn't ready for it to come back into my life today. I wasn't ready to wake up to the texts or emails. I wasn't prepared.
I read something recently that said "When you blame others, you are essentially saying that you are powerless over your own life." I have a lot of hurt and a lot of blame in my heart. I want to get rid of it.. but loving your enemy is by far the hardest thing I've ever been faced with... even harder.. forgiving them.
It takes so much time and energy to hate someone.
When you can't forgive the things that have been done to you, or find understanding in the reason those things happened.. you're not able to move on with your life.
How do you find that forgiveness?? I thought I was on the road to forgiveness. To not caring. To using the past and the pain to grow. I thought I was becoming a stronger person.. and now today I feel like I'm right back where I was. A lot of questions.. and no answers. Do the answers even matter?? If I had the answers would it actually make me feel better?? Or am I just in search of something I'm never going to have?
Someone called me bitter last night. I immediately said "I am.. about this, you're damn right I am. I'm bitter." Then today I realized how sad that is. That it's still so strongly affecting so much of my life. Part of me is mad at people that don't understand.. at people who tell me to just get over it. I wish you knew.. I wish I could just leave this hurt behind. I know it's easier to be sad and to let it run my life.. I know that. I get it. I do. But part of me wants you to understand the hell I went through.
Believe me.. I know that you can't allow someone else's shortcomings to define you. You can't change people.. you can't make someone be a good person.. and sometimes you put your heart out there when you shouldn't... and you get burned.
The other dumb thing is that there's only one person in the whole world that I really want to talk to right now, and I can't. Doesn't matter how much I want to.. I can't. Doesn't life have funny timing?
I'm ready to move on with my life... so why is life making it so difficult to just let that happen?
No comments:
Post a Comment