So I took the night to cry my eyes out. A lot of tears. I don't think I even knew I had that many tears left in me. Eventually you'd think you'd just run out of tears. You don't.
I stayed up most of the night. I ruined my pillow case crying into it. Beat myself up... a lot.... Threw a good old fashioned pity party. I Looked tragic. Let myself feel tragic... and experienced first hand being a complete train wreck.
This morning was interesting. It was one of those morning where you just want to lay in bed. Not get up. Watch lame movies all day as long as it means staying snuggled up in your blankets. My little guy was having a rough morning himself. Everything was a mini meltdown. From brushing his teeth to eating his pancakes. I couldn't even be mad. After all.. I felt just as crappy, and if it weren't for being sick and missing work already this week.. I probably would have just given up and thrown my temper tantrum on the floor right next to him. I didn't feel good. Again.
All I wanted on the way to work was hot chocolate. I knew it would inevitably just make my stomach hurt worse but I figured it was a small price to pay for that peppermint deliciousness.. So.. I stopped at Mcdonalds. By the time I got to work, (a block away) I was wearing my hot chocolate. To be honest I don't even know where it went so wrong.. just know I was happy I had avoided the 2nd degree burns on the inside of my thighs THIS time. And thankful for my unused gym bag in the back seat of my car.. and having a towel to clean up what i should have already assumed would turn into a huge mess.
The funny thing is.. I think the complete irony of not being able to just drink 1 cup of hot chocolate without wearing it, dropping it, spilling it.. made me snap out of it.
Truth is, when God closes a door.. he opens a window. That may sound sort of cliche I guess. Well.. it does but this is my blog so get over it. I kept thinking about what someone said to me last night.. about the only thing to fear is fear itself. I think that's true. Truth is I'm not scared to move forward.. I'm scared of being disappointed. Of being let down. Being hurt. I don't know if my heart could take much more hurt right now... but there's definitely something beautiful about the uncertainty of life.
I realized something.. and maybe it makes me sound dumb for even mentioning it (I will warn you this is the part where I turn into a complete girl) but i realized this morning that it's all still unwritten. Life. It's all still a blank slate. There's something exciting about not knowing what's coming. Not knowing where your life is headed. I've been so focused on being hurt that I didn't realize.. that there's someone out there that is completely new. Someone that's never hurt me.. never made me feel bad about myself. I get to learn about his life. His dreams. His goals. His ambitions. His family. His bad habits. His favorite t-shirt..his favorite football team.. and he get's the good part of me. The part that isn't hurt. The part that isn't damaged, or self conscious. I can smile and be anything because there's no past. There's no room to judge my mistakes.. my tears... only possibility. I don't have to be scared because he's never dissapointed me. I don't know anything about him but I want to know everything about him.
It's funny how taking a step back and getting a little perspective can change.. everything. I got some other good news today, that I don't want to talk about quite yet because I want to make sure it's all real first before I do.. but I feel blessed. I feel like everything is going to be ok. I'm not going to say I'm never going to fall apart ever again.. lord knows I do a good job of doing things the hard way.
I don't know if I say it too much but thanks to my friends and family for being my everything. Mostly my strength. I wish you all knew how much I love you. I hope I tell you enough..
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