2011. It has been such a hard year. I wont say it's the worst that I've ever had.. because to be honest, I think I've learned more about myself in this last year than I ever have in my whole life. I guess it's true what they say.. you have to hit the bottom to find yourself. That when you find the bottom, the only direction you have left to go is up.
I can't believe that it's already December. I don't want to wish away the holidays, but I want this year to be over. I want a new start. I want to find my life again. Every time I think I'm taking a step forward.. I feel like I take 3 back. The pain hits again. The fear hits again. The weakness hits again.
I don't like change. I don't like being unsure. I read something recently that said that "when you fear change, you fear everything." I don't want to be like that. I know it's true. So, so true. You can't be scared of life just because it's moving forward. Life doesn't stop. Time doesn't stand still... it's only you that doesn't progress. Life doesn't wait for anyone.. even if you want it to.
I would never pretend to have more struggles than anyone else. In fact, I know that there are several people in my immediate life that are going through hardships so much worse than mine. My heart is with them always, and it makes me feel selfish for thinking that the problems that I have are even problems. I wish I knew how to separate myself from it and be strong. I envy people that are strong. That let it all roll off... and then there's me. Replaying it all over and over in my head. Trying to let go of it all.
I got asked to do a runway bridal fashion show today. I'm truly flattered.. it's not the first time that I've done any modeling.. but it is the first time that I've been asked to do any runway since I was about 18. Lol.. when you're barely 5'4'' it's not really runway material. I guess they figure that with 5'' heels on and a dress to cover it up I'll be just fine. I don't know if I can do it. I want to but it just seems so soon with everything that happened. I don't want to wear wedding dresses. It brought up a lot of pain. Don't get me wrong.. I'm happy about where I am in my life. Not getting married was not the end of the world. In fact I would have been stepping into a huge lie and an awful situation, but it doesn't stop the hurt from coming back to the surface. I'm a girl.. I'm programmed to want the big day right?? I can't pretend that the idea of it all doesn't freak me out a little bit... and the other part of me wants to just be brave. Get the hell over it. Stop wasting good opportunities because of my damn fear. Fear is such an ugly little emotion.
This week has kind of been hard. I haven't felt that great this week.. and I've noticed that when I'm not feeling good, and my stomach is a mess, my other emotions get the best of me. When you feel crappy it's sort of hard to put a smile on just to save face. Plus new to the list of aillments.. hives. What the eff are hives even for? They're awful. I wish I could rip the first layer of my skin off.. and to be honest, if I itch much longer I probably will.
Do you ever feel like people just don't get you? Like there's no one that really truly understands? I want to believe that there's good people out there. I know that there are, my faith and trust in people has just been so damaged. It's sad to admit but it's scary to believe in people.. even scarier when someone is actually genuine. Like I can't believe that it's true.. or that I really deserve it. I hate that... and I don't want to ruin anything that's real because I'm scared that it's a lie... I'm lucky, I have amazing friends in my life. Thank you all for being so patient with me.
Anywho.. I just realized how depressing my first blog was getting.. and I want people to actually read it lol. I promise they wont all be like this ;) Thanks for reading. Much love.
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