Raw

Today was such a weird.. emotional day.

I had someone say some of the meanest things to me this morning. Normally.. I can brush them off, laugh about it.. move on.

I guess on an already sort of self conscious day it just kind of stuck.

It's funny.. I feel like for the first time in years I'm on the way back to myself. That I actually feel like myself again. Then someone says it's wrong and it left me upset and so confused.

If who I was before wasn't good enough, and being this person isn't either.. then who am I supposed to be?

I don't want to apologize for who I am. I know that I'm not perfect. I know that I don't have it all together. I know that I say dumb things and make an idiot out of myself all the time.

I say things that I shouldn't maybe.. and I need to work on my filter system because to be completely honest I just don't have one. I don't mean to hurt people by saying the things that I do. I don't say things to be harsh... just to be open and honest and communicate what I'm feeling. I guess I'd rather let people know exactly where I stand then ever have to wonder the way I feel about something.

I'm in such a weird transitional period. Ahhg.

I feel a little lost today to be honest. There are so many things going on in my life that are at a crossroads I guess. And I don't know which path to choose.

I am mortified to make the wrong decision because I've done that so many times before.. and I feel like I simply don't have the time or energy for that anymore.

Weird.

Ready to leave my past behind.. but scared to move forward. Stuck. Not scared because I don't want something new...scared because it terrifies me to not be in the place that I'm supposed to be anymore. To pick the wrong road.

Also this new gluten free lifestyle has the potential to kill my soul. I hate not being in control. I hate not knowing. I like things ... well just the way I like them. And I hate when that changes. I hate reading labels. I hate having to look at the back of every box I pick up. I hate not knowing what things are. I know that I'll get there. I know that one day it's just going to be second nature and I won't even have to think about it.. but I wish that was now. I'm so frustrated.

I feel better. My stomach has been a lot less angry at me this last week.. which is amazing. You wouldn't think that having stomach problems would be such a big deal... but it seriously puts your life on hold... it's just a mess. I'm still getting hives. I want them to go away.. and I sort of thought that once I stopped eating gluten I would finally be able to kick these few extra pounds that have made their way into my life... but I haven't. What am I doing wrong?

I decided that because I was having such a hard day that it was the perfect day for me and Aiden to go and start our shopping for Primary Children's hospital. That helped. Seeing how excited he was to be buying things for sick little kids. He told the cashier that he was going to make all the sick kids smile. So we loaded up the car with Hotwheels cars and stuffed animals.

The one things that remains the same... he's my little hero. There's more strength in that little 3 year old soul that in anyone I've ever met. I'm learning those are the things you hold onto. When nothing else in the world makes sense (especially food labels) you always have that.